To Let Go Of The Past, You Need To Stop Avoiding It.
I remember a particular period in my early thirties when I became a mother often revisiting and talking about unhappy aspects of my childhood.
On one occasion someone close to me said this:
“Why are you talking about the past? It’s done. Just move on.”
Sounds logical, right?
I hear that statement often from many people in both my personal and professional circles. They believe the same. “Why dredge up the past?” They say, “It’s done and dusted.”
Yet I consistently observe in those very people how their avoidance from learning about the past continues to determine their actions in the present.
It is true that the past is done. However simply closing the door on the unintegrated and unresolved past does not mean that it stops impacting your present. Not to mention the loss of access to valuable resources that the past often offers. As long as the past is left unresolved, it will continue to impact your present because the impact is unconscious. You are living in the past without realising it and are continuing to react to past events as if they were in the present.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
- C.G. Jung, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst.
The past reappears every time:
You go into an inexplicable rage and direct it at someone in the present who ultimately is not responsible for the wrongs you have experienced in your past.
You are terrified from things that terrify no one else because your body is responding to danger messages carried from your past.
You sob uncontrollably for no valid reason because you are grieving for losses you had no opportunity to grieve for in your past.
You laugh in situations that are actually distressing because it is easier to discount their significance instead of acknowledging the pain they carry for you from your past.
Basically anytime when you find that your emotions and actions don’t fit the current situation. In that moment you have unconsciously time travelled to the past.
Moving on, as logical as it sounds, is not that simple. To move on you need to first look back and make peace with the past. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to do so.
I invite you to do the same. Take a fresh look at your past, integrate and resolve it, so you can finally stop it from charging or contaminating your present, and affecting your current actions and experiences. This is how you can let it go once and for all. The result is less time travel and more grounding in the present.
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift…that’s why they call it present.”
- Kung Fu Panda, animated movie.
By becoming aware of the past and gaining the ability to live with it, you transform yourself from an unaware victim of the past into an empowered individual in the present.
You don’t have to do this alone. You can get the support of a professional if need be, so you can begin to enjoy fully the gift of the present.
Your Past Could Hold The Key To Unlock Your Future
Many of my clients tell me at some point during our intake session that they don’t want to look back at their past, that they just want to shut the door on the past and never look back. For whatever reason, they have a great fear with regards reflecting on their past.
“I just want to move on”, they often say to me.
However in some situations, just like driving a car, to move forward you need to glance backwards, to make sure that no obstacles are in the way.
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.“
Søren Kierkegaard, Philosopher
There is no denying that sometimes examining the past can be painful. However, sometimes the issues that we take to a coach, counsellor or therapist can be deep rooted in our past. Reflecting on the past, as painful as it might be, will most probably be less painful than suppressing it and pretending it’s not there.
“The past is never where you think you left it.”
Katherine Anne Porter, Writer
When we want to just shut the door on the past we might be in denial of the suffering that this past is causing us today and maybe by not processing it we may end up carrying that suffering into our future.
“We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.”
Rick Warren, Author
What I usually tell my clients is to have courage and to be brave. To dare to look back at the past, because this time, they will be looking at it from a grounded ‘here and now’ place. They will be looking at it with a new lens and a fresh perspective.
“Study the past if you would define the future.”
Confucius, Philisopher
This healthy way of reflecting on the past will allow them to gather knowledge and arm themselves with important lessons from their past.
By shutting the door on the past we are missing out on a wealth of resources that can help us navigate our present and in turn our future.
“We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place; we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.”
Pascal Mercier, Philosopher
By looking and learning from our past we can discover how to make the necessary changes so our past doesn’t necessarily equal our future.
Personally, it’s not the thought of looking at my past that I find scary, rather the idea of walking into my future without the back up knowledge and wisdom from my past.
“My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.”
Steve Goodier, Writer
I always invite my clients to let go of their fear of the past as it maybe holding them back from making the changes that they desire in their life. To let go of fear and experience true freedom.
“Everything has a past; everything; a person, an object, a word; everything. If you don’t know the past, you can’t understand the present and plan properly for the future.”
Chaim Potok, Author