“𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨.”

“𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨.”

 The statement above is often shared by some of my international clients who are living and working in a different culture to their own. On the one hand those experiences can be an opportunity for growth. However, on the other hand, depending on your childhood, they can also feel like rubbing salt on an open wound. A repetition of what was endured before. 

 As a black child growing up in Lebanon, I looked different, not only from members of the society at large but also from members in my own nuclear family. I faced racism which further drove the message that I did not belong. No matter how hard I tried the message that I did not fit in persisted. 

 As an adult I ended up leading an international life and I took my inner need to belong everywhere I went. I found myself having to repeatedly adapt and try to fit in within groups in different countries and different cultures. My efforts and hard work to fit in and belong sometimes left me emotionally exhausted. Having to constantly adapt to those changing environments meant that I no longer knew who I was. The most painful was witnessing my children grappling with their own sense of belonging. 

 The reality can be further complicated if you find yourself in multicultural groups, whether in a family setting or at work. What are the rules around belonging in such systems, and who defines them?

 Our sense of belonging starts at birth in the families that we are born into. We unconsciously carry those early experiences within us and they impact the rest of our lives. The feeling of not belonging might be old and gets re-enforced by present day experiences where you are treated like an outsider; where you get the message, “That’s not how things are done here.”

 So, you adapt, perhaps even over-adapt, a pattern of behaviour that you learnt as a child, and in doing so you lose your authentic self in the process.

 In the past, experiences that left me feeling like an outsider, caused me a lot of pain. After my years of therapy and re-training to become a coach and counsellor, I gained amazing insights into my personal journey and integrated a wealth of knowledge that helped resolve those deep patterns and dynamics from my childhood. 

 My personal experience, combined with my learnings, creates a great resource. This allows me to be a coach and counsellor who can support my international clients to explore,  and become aware, of the connection between their painful childhood experiences, and the pain and lack of belonging they are experiencing in the present. Sometimes that awareness on its own can bring relief, and in some cases perhaps more deep work and healing might be necessary. 

 We can’t change what happened to us, however we can choose what to do with what happened. We can choose to sit in pain or turn pain into purpose. 

Speaking Fast And Slow

Are you a fast or slow speaker?  

Has the speed of your speech ever been an issue in your life?

I fall into the group of fast speakers. 

As a child and teenager I was ridiculed and laughed at repeatedly when I spoke. Often someone amongst the listeners would make a joke at my expense, and ask me through fits of laughter to, “please rewind and play it again.” 

I am sure the kids did not mean to be unkind, however the kid at the receiving end, me, felt shamed and hurt. Sometimes even adults in my environment imitated me and made fun of how I spoke. 

In time and out of awareness I formed a limiting decision that grew into a limiting belief. 

I am not good at public speaking and never will be. 

“It is important to see that whatever seems determined in your life has been determined by you unconsciously. You have written your own software. Depending on the way you have written your software, that is the way you think, that is the way you feel, that is the way you act, and that is what you invite into your life.”

- SADHGURU, a yogi, a mystic & founder of Isha Humanitarian Foundation

As I grew older this limiting belief turned into a strong fear of public speaking. I did everything I could to avoid speaking in public like it was the plague. 

On the occasions that I managed to avoid it, I felt relief mixed with shame and disappointment. I was disappointed because of the missed opportunity of sharing what I felt was of value. I felt shame at my inability to express my thoughts and opinions. 

On the occasions when I could not escape from it, I suffered tremendous anxiety and stress leading up to the main event. During the event itself I would shake like a leaf, have a dry mouth and struggle to concentrate, as all I could focus on was the need to get myself off that visible stage as soon as possible. At the end I would feel relief that it was over plus disappointment and shame with my performance. It was a vicious cycle.

I tried different things to help me overcome my fear of public speaking, like for example joining Toastmasters (an international non-for-profit organisation that helps people develop communication, public speaking, and leadership skills). They helped a little, however my real transformation came when I embarked on my studies about human behaviour, and had therapy. It was only then that I unearthed the real underlying issues behind my fear of public speaking, and became aware of those past limiting decisions and beliefs that I have made as a child. I also became aware of deeper traumatic experiences that added to my fear of speaking publicly, of being centre of attention and of being visible. 

For each vow and limiting belief that I reprogram and reframe, I get another layer of freedom.”

- Katische Haberfield, author.

Awareness was key because you can’t change what you are not aware actually exists. Once aware then the healing and recovery can start followed by taking actions to make new empowering decisions and beliefs to replace the old ones.

Today I wouldn’t say that I am totally free of fear surrounding my public speaking, however, because I have had the awareness and healing work, I am able to use that knowledge and awareness to energise me instead of paralyse me. Added to this is my passion at sharing what I have learnt in order to support others.

I am perhaps still a fast speaker but this habit no longer evokes shame in me. I embrace it and take steps to remind myself to slow down so I can communicate effectively the message I want to share with my audience.

Why is it important to uncover limiting beliefs? 

Because they navigate our lives and they are essentially errors of judgement. By uncovering them we gain the ability to limit the damage they cause and increase our choices. 

How do you uncover the limiting beliefs that are holding you back from reaching your true potential?

• By taking time and space to reflect on your life, and discover the areas where you feel you have not gotten the results you want despite your efforts. The areas where you feel out of sync with what you really want to be, do or have.

• By paying close attention to what your body is trying to communicate to you. 

• By engaging the services of a coach, counsellor or therapist because they act as objective observers who are more likely to detect those errors of judgement that you confidently carried within you for so long. So do go ahead and treat yourself to a number of sessions to resolve these issues. You are worth it.

Does this resonate? Is this something you need support with?  

Let’s talk. 

Let's Bust The Myth

Let’s bust the myth.

 Being a coach, counsellor or therapist does not mean:

•  That you have all the answers.

•  That you can fix anything or anyone.

•  That your life is perfect and always together.

•  That you don’t experience bad days.

•  That you never doubt yourself or feel anxious or afraid.

 We are human after all. We are not perfect nor in possession of magical powers. 

 Let me demonstrate this through sharing a personal story. I am living up to the Arabic meaning of my name after all, the female storyteller.

 All the work I did in relation to mental and emotional well-being, provided me with insights into my childhood experiences and how they led me to have certain behavioural patterns as a result of those experiences. This is also often the case with most of us. The circumstances surrounding our childhood shape who we are as adults. The coping behavioural patterns we develop as a result were helpful then as children, however prove to be ineffective strategies when we are adults. One of the things I became aware of are the issues surrounding abandonment, feeling unloved and unaccepted as I am. It drove me to try hard to people please, to adopt a perfectionist attitude and to suppress my authentic emotions. Gaining that self-awareness was transformational on a personal as well as a professional level. 

 I quit working as a pharmacist after many years in the profession and retrained to become a coach and a counsellor. 

 In my existing professional role I do experience periods where I am busy with clients, inspired to write blogs and social media posts, interacting with other professionals in the field, and attending webinars and workshops as a form of continuing learning and education. 

 And there are also the periods when I am less busy, have fewer or no clients, feel uninspired, experience fewer interactions and sit in a kind of stagnation. 

 I noticed that those quieter periods make me feel uncomfortable, and I observed that I seem to fall back onto the old out-dated childhood strategies of trying too hard to be and do what I feel is expected of me, in order to escape this discomfort. This was mostly evident to me during the COVID lockdown years when the world felt like it came to a standstill.

 “How interesting”, I thought to myself, on noticing my discomfort. “I wonder what is happening here?” I questioned myself.

 So I decided to consciously take a different approach during those quiet periods. Instead of getting busy ‘doing’ I chose ‘being’, to instead sit quietly with that discomfort and discover its source. I remembered Dr Susan David’s famous quote, which I love, 

 “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.”

- Susan David, psychologist, speaker and author.

 It’s not surprising that I did gain some meaningful information through withstanding this discomfort. I discovered that the source of this discomfort was connected to my past abandonment issues and feeling unloved and unaccepted. The discomfort I experienced in those quiet periods was due to me connecting to my Inner Child’s old fear of being abandoned, forgotten and left behind. 

 That insightful moment was so helpful and healing. It meant that nowadays when I do experience quieter and less productive periods in my profession, I do not feel that uncomfortable anxiety anymore. I let myself be and trust the process. I embrace this time of quiet and enjoy the valuable reflections it brings me that ultimately are so helpful in the work I do with clients. I see them as periods of enrichment. 

 Being coaches, counsellors and therapists simply means that we have the knowledge about psychological models, and having experienced them during our own therapeutic and supervision sessions, we know their value in assisting others, as well as ourselves, to resolve emotional and mental issues. We know how to implement them to support others without judgement and with much empathy and compassion. 

 The solution to ease our suffering lies within us. In the same way I was able to support myself in easing my discomfort I support my clients in finding the answers within them to ease their own discomforts. 

 I am curious what other professionals in this field think? 

 Please share in the comments. 

How Intimate Are You In Your Relationships?

Opening up to someone needs courage because this act carries risks and rewards. The risk has to do with not knowing how they will respond to seeing your naked soul, to witnessing you at your most vulnerable. By choosing to avoid the risk you also avoid the pain associated with disappointment and perhaps rejection. However in playing it safe and avoiding pain you also might perhaps miss out on the rewards of love and acceptance, on the chance of experiencing a true connection and developing a meaningful and intimate relationship with another. 

How quickly or slowly we are willing to open up to another is impacted by our old as well as recent personal history. How safe and trusting our first ever attachments were when we were children and at our most vulnerable stage in life. More recently by whether we have experienced a painful betrayal of some kind. 

However no matter your history, healing and change is possible and you can learn to trust and open up again. You only can decide how, when and to whom to open up. You only can decide whether the rewards are worth the risks. 

The topic of daring to open up and show your true self to another often comes up in sessions with clients. Many find it difficult to show their vulnerability or be authentically themselves even with close friends and family members. They mask their fear, swallow their sadness and bottle their anger. I can relate as I too have experienced difficulties in the past with being authentic with others and myself.

The habit of suppressing parts of ourselves starts in childhood where we forgo authenticity in favour of attachment. This reminds me of a piece of theory from Transactional Analysis called Time Structuring, which I do share with my clients. It allows us to explore how intensely we spend time with others and ourselves. 

Time Structuring proposes that as humans we have a need to structure our time and relationships. We do that by moving through six modes: Withdrawal, Rituals, Pastimes, Activities, Psychological Games, and Intimacy. 

In Withdrawal we spend time isolated and out of contact with others and this may be physically, emotionally or both. We might be present physically but absent emotionally. We all need a degree of time to ourselves to get grounded and re-charged so some withdrawal time is necessary. Having a balance is important as too much withdrawal can lead to depression and anxiety. On the other hand a total absence of time to oneself can also negatively impact mental health, as connection to oneself is as important as connection to others. 

In Rituals we go through a familiar, safe and predictable pattern of interacting like shaking hands and saying “Hello, how are you?” Rituals provide comfort, a sense of belonging, and a way in into more intense conversations. They are culturally and trans-generationally based.

Pastimes is where we engage in polite and superficial conversations about safe topics such as the weather, food, jobs or hobbies. They happen typically at parties, social gatherings or in the waiting time before a formal group meeting. You certainly wouldn’t talk about personal stuff at this stage however Pastimes do form the basis for the selection of acquaintances, and are a tentative way of exploring greater closeness with others. 

Activities can sometimes be combined with Pastimes and are usually goal directed such as attending meetings or playing hockey. It is time spent doing things together be it at home or at work. It can be fun and possibly a way of avoiding intimate contact.

Psychological Games, in brief, are a series of interactions with others with a concealed motivation, and which end up with both parties experiencing familiar bad feelings. Here there is a social level interaction with an underlying and hidden psychological level interaction. 

Games are re-plays of childhood strategies that are no longer appropriate when grown up. Games can be seen as a failed attempt to be intimate with another person, as both parties do not take the full risk of being open and authentic with each other. The result is a repetitive pattern of interacting from set roles.

Intimacy is when we have an authentic encounter with another, a moment of shared openness, trust and honesty. In intimacy there are no hidden messages as the social and psychological level interactions are congruent. Intimacy means emotionally intimate, not necessarily sexually intimate. It also doesn’t necessarily mean nice and peaceful. An intimate interaction can involve an angry argument. The difference is that both parties are open and respectful and able to articulate their thoughts and feelings respectfully. Each person accepts his or her own responsibility for the outcome instead of blaming the other. In Intimacy we experience the highest level of emotional intensity as well as taking the greatest risks as we do face the possibility of being rejected or ridiculed. 

In a lot of our relationships it’s the moments of emotional intimacy that may be missing and which are so important to us all. Intimacy is an exchange of authentic wants and feelings and the offering of our authentic selves in relationships is a way to connection. All modes of time structuring can be viewed as a route into greater connection as we have observed during the COVID lockdowns when we were forced to withdraw and as a consequence we longed to connect through any and every aspect of time structuring.

So it is clear that as we move from one mode to another, the risks are higher and so are the rewards.

Again how much time we stay in each mode and how quickly we move from one mode to the next is related to our personal history. Working with a practitioner can help you unpack your personal history and become more self-aware of how you structure your time at home and at work, and how this is impacting your relationships. Perhaps with this awareness you might like to make some changes. This kind of self-awareness can lead you to have a healthy connection with self so you can access your inner resources and creativity, and in turn develop more intimate relationships with others. 

What Out-dated Story Are You Still Living By Today?

What out-dated story are you still living by today?

 Are you aware of it, and it’s impacts on your life? 

 Would you like to bring it to your awareness? 

 After all, you can’t change what you are not aware exists in the first place. 

 “It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”

- Patrick Rothfuss, American author.

 Those who know me might also know that I am mixed. My mum was from Ghana and my dad from Lebanon. I was the intersection between an African and an Arab, a Catholic and a Muslim. I was baptised as a baby then when a toddler was raised in a Muslim household.

 My parents divorced before I was two years old. The circumstances then meant that I was shuffled around between carers and homes until I arrived, in the sixties, at the doorsteps of my Lebanese grandmother in Tripoli, Lebanon. 

 Not many people looked like me in those days. I was one of two black pupils in the whole school. The result was being subjected to discrimination and racism during the most impressionable years of my life. My brown skin became a reason to dislike me, reject me, call me names, poke fun at me, ignore me, or treat me with total inconsideration.

 It is no wonder that the combination of the unsettled early years and having to face those biases led me to make the decision that I was not good enough, and that I needed to try hard to earn people’s love.  

 When you tell yourself a story long enough, you believe it and it impacts all your life choices. 

 That was the story that I lived by for most of my teen and young adult years and it did negatively impact my personal and professional life. I experienced a crisis in my thirties, had a breakdown, and got myself some much needed help in the form of coaching and counselling. That was the moment when things started to change. 

 It was only then, in those therapeutic sessions, that I started to bring aspects of this old, out-dated story into my awareness. I started challenging its truth, and questioned its validity. Only then life began to slowly change, and I started first to love myself and then allow the love of others to flow into my life. Only then I began to experience joy and fulfilment, which spread around me and engulfed everyone in my world. 

 “There is a surrendering to your story and then a knowing that you don’t have to stay in your story.”

- Colette Baron-Reid, Intuitive Counsellor

 I observe a similar, yet unique experience, in my clients. I see how many of them are also still living according to an old, out-dated story. I witness how they carry heavily within them the limiting decisions and beliefs that they formed decades ago. The story that brought some comfort years ago is now the cause of so much discomfort because it is thwarting their chances of a happy and successful life. 

 The out-dated story could be stopping you from going after that promotion, or acing that interview, from speaking up and sharing your ideas during work meetings, or starting a relationship. It could be the reason you focus on the needs of others and neglect your own. The reason you can’t say no and try hard to meet the demands of others. The reason you are afraid to show your emotions and your vulnerability. The reason you strive for perfection and fear making mistakes. 

 My clients and I work together so they can become fully aware of the old story. This allows them to re-examine those decisions, and choose when and how to let this old story go, make new choices and live according to a changed and more authentic story. 

 What about you? 

 Are you still holding on to an out-dated story? 

 Would you like to bring it to your awareness? 

 Let’s talk.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Should I stay or should I go?

Have you ever been in a situation where you repeatedly asked yourself the above question? 

I have, in both my personal and professional life. 

I have also worked with some clients who found themselves at some point facing such a dilemma. 

Although being in this in-between stuck situation feels uncomfortable, the experience, with the guidance of a professional, might present opportunities for growth and self-discovery. It can offer a space for personal development.

As a coach and counsellor I of course do not have the answer to my clients’ question. It is not my place to tell them whether they should stay or indeed go. My role is to work with them and explore together, from the here and now, the best way forward for them. 

We explore together what aspects of their personal history are impacting the present situation. Together we decontaminate the present moment from past out-dated beliefs, prejudices and fantasies so the client can gain clarity and expand their capacities for an appropriate response in the here and now. 

 I do that by applying a model called the Ego State model from transactional analysis. This model proposes that we have three distinct parts to our personality: Parent, Adult and Child. Each of these parts has its own set of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that interact differently with the world. 

When we are in Parent ego state we interact with the world like a Parent figure from our childhood. We embody their beliefs and prejudices about the world and way of thinking, feeling and behaving. 

 When we are in Child ego state we interact with the world the way we did as children, emotional, spontaneous, creative and uninhibited. 

 When we are in Adult we interact with the world from the here and now moment using all the information and data available to us in the moment. 

 We reach a dilemma because we are trying to negotiate between Child needs and Parent demands. 

 Together with my client I explore the following:

 What are the past childhood needs that the client is trying to meet today?

 What past parental beliefs and prejudices are still forming an obstacle today?

 And in their quest to meet those needs and uphold those beliefs and prejudices are they losing their authenticity? 

 Being in a space and time when we are asking the question “Should I stay or should I go?” means that we are in a space between stories. The old past story and a possible new story. 

 The above curious exploration allows for discovery that in turn leads to recovery. The aim is to strengthen the client’s Adult so they can think for themselves and give themselves the permission to hold on or let go of what no longer feels harmonious to their authentic being. 

 This added clarity allows the client to take the right actions in the moment from their Adult ego state. 

 So if you find yourself like me, once upon a time, or like some of my clients, facing the kind of dilemmas where you are asking yourself the question above, then working with a coach or counsellor can help you arrive at making the appropriate decision. An outcome that is reached with awareness and is devoid of unwanted influences from your past. 

 Is this something you need support with? 

 Get in touch. 

Do You Unknowingly Carry Unconscious Bias?

At the junior school that I attended in Lebanon there was a small kiosk where students could order something to eat during lunch break. Students could make their orders through a small window and were served by two ladies. There was no such thing as a queue system. The only way to purchase something during the break was to push your way through dozens of other students doing the same until you reached the front and then got the attention of one of the ladies and asked for what you needed, paid, got your change and then fought your way out again.  

 On one such occasion I fought my way in, bought myself a sandwich then fought my way back out, only to find out that the lady who served me gave me the wrong change. She gave me back too much money. I had more on me than when I started. 

 “Oh no!” I thought to myself, because I knew that annoyingly I was going to have to fight my way back in again to return the extra cash that did not belong to me. Those were the values that my grandma brought me up with. She taught me to never steal or keep something that does not belong to me. 

 So I went back, before I even ate my sandwich, fought my way back to the front of the window then tried to shout louder than the other kids to get the attention of the lady who served me. When I got her attention I handed her the money back and told her that she gave me too much by mistake. She was shocked! She literally stood there with her mouth open in disbelief. Not at making a mistake but at the fact that I, the black girl who has been experiencing racism and discrimination at school and, no good were ever expected of her, voluntarily returned what was not hers to keep. The lady finally thanked me quietly once she recovered.

 Since that time and on every single occasion I fought my way to buy something from the kiosk, that lady would attend to my needs as soon as she saw my face emerge through the crowd of students, which was easy to spot as I was one of two black kids in the whole school. She would make a point of ignoring everyone’s screaming orders and look at me and ask me what I needed. It was her way of showing me appreciation for my action. 

"Systems do not maintain themselves; even our lack of intervention is an act of maintenance. Every structure in every society is upheld by the active and passive assistance of other human beings.”

- Sonya Renee Taylor, author and activist

 At the time I was struck by how my genuine behaviour caused a shift in this lady’s preconceived notion of black people. However now and with everything I have learnt over time about human behaviour and societal issues I realise what an unfair burden was put on that child that was me, to have felt that I needed to prove my worthiness as a black person by being a good little girl; that as a black person it is too risky for me to make mistakes. A similar message, that many black people experience in the US, UK and elsewhere. A message that was reinforced when I worked in the UK and was told by a well meaning line manager that as a black person I needed to work twice as hard as a white person to get the same recognition. 

 I hope this story makes you stop and think. Perhaps reflect on whether you unknowingly carry any unconscious biases and decide to confront those biases and change. One way to explore this is through working with a coach, counsellor or therapist.

Never Give Up!

NEVER GIVE UP!

 How often have you been told to never give up growing up? 

 How often do you repeat the same message to your children or other people in your community?

 We are so programmed to never give up that we persist and struggle in situations that are detrimental to our physical and mental well-being because we are made to feel like failures if we give up. 

 “Giving up is always an option, but not always a failure.”

- Cameron Conaway, Author

Many end up feeling anxious, depressed and in some extreme situations even contemplating suicide. 

 It’s great to be encouraged to never give up on your dreams, on your relationship, on the job/career. But what if you realise that the dream you have been fighting for was never yours in the first place, that the relationship is toxic and abusive, that the job and work place are leading you towards burnout?

 We are taught that to

Never give up = Resilience

 How true is that? 

 If I think back on my life, and when I reflect on the life stories that some of my clients share, I observe how much distress and unhappiness this seemingly positive message causes. I ended up persisting in situations where giving up would have been the healthier approach. Clients share similar insights. 

“Sometimes it’s better to end something and try to start something new than imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible.”

- Karen Slmansohn, Author

Certainly challenging ourselves, and learning to overcome those challenges does contribute positively to our resilience. However giving up, quitting or letting go is not always negative. Sometimes, and especially if you find yourself in a toxic and manipulative personal or professional environment that is not contributing to your growth and development, giving up and getting out is a sign of emotional health. As the saying goes, not everything is worth fighting for and we need to be selective about choosing our battles. Taking the right action whether it may be giving up, quitting or letting go, to safeguard our mental and emotional well-being, is a sign of resilience. It means that we are brave and mature enough to make a choice about the kind of situation or world we are choosing to live (or work) in.

 Deciding to give up, quit or let go is a sign that you are gaining self-awareness about what you want to retain and what you no longer want in your life. It is what emotionally healthy people do. 

 “It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”

- Paulo Coelho, Novelist

What are your thoughts? Please share in the comments. 

To Let Go Of The Past, You Need To Stop Avoiding It.

I remember a particular period in my early thirties when I became a mother often revisiting and talking about unhappy aspects of my childhood. 

On one occasion someone close to me said this:

“Why are you talking about the past? It’s done. Just move on.”

Sounds logical, right? 

I hear that statement often from many people in both my personal and professional circles. They believe the same. “Why dredge up the past?” They say, “It’s done and dusted.”

Yet I consistently observe in those very people how their avoidance from learning about the past continues to determine their actions in the present. 

It is true that the past is done. However simply closing the door on the unintegrated and unresolved past does not mean that it stops impacting your present. Not to mention the loss of access to valuable resources that the past often offers. As long as the past is left unresolved, it will continue to impact your present because the impact is unconscious. You are living in the past without realising it and are continuing to react to past events as if they were in the present.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

- C.G. Jung, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst.

The past reappears every time:

• You go into an inexplicable rage and direct it at someone in the present who ultimately is not responsible for the wrongs you have experienced in your past.

• You are terrified from things that terrify no one else because your body is responding to danger messages carried from your past.

• You sob uncontrollably for no valid reason because you are grieving for losses you had no opportunity to grieve for in your past.

• You laugh in situations that are actually distressing because it is easier to discount their significance instead of acknowledging the pain they carry for you from your past. 

Basically anytime when you find that your emotions and actions don’t fit the current situation. In that moment you have unconsciously time travelled to the past.

Moving on, as logical as it sounds, is not that simple. To move on you need to first look back and make peace with the past. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to do so. 

I invite you to do the same. Take a fresh look at your past, integrate and resolve it, so you can finally stop it from charging or contaminating your present, and affecting your current actions and experiences. This is how you can let it go once and for all. The result is less time travel and more grounding in the present. 

 “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift…that’s why they call it present.”   

- Kung Fu Panda, animated movie.

By becoming aware of the past and gaining the ability to live with it, you transform yourself from an unaware victim of the past into an empowered individual in the present. 

You don’t have to do this alone. You can get the support of a professional if need be, so you can begin to enjoy fully the gift of the present.

Are you ready to let your authentic self back in?

I grew up in an environment that conveyed the message to me that born as I was, I am not good enough. 

 As a result I worked hard to be, and do, what was expected of me in order to become good enough and accepted. Through that I was not being authentic. According to Gabor Maté, when we are faced with a choice between authenticity and attachment we will always choose attachment.

“We stray from being authentic to seeking acceptance. We let go of authenticity in order to stay connected.”

- Gabor Maté, Canadian physician & author

 In time this lack of authenticity became exhausting and I no longer recognised who I was. I crashed. 

 I got some help in the form of coaching, counselling and trauma therapy. It was transformational and motivated me to study and qualify in the very psychological concepts that supported my change. The crash indirectly brought an ending to this inauthentic life and from the ashes emerged the authentic me. What looked like a negative experience lead to a positive outcome as I found my courage to re-connect with and bring to the world the real me. 

 Do you find yourself doing one or more of the following:

•  Trying hard to fit with others’ expectations of you?

•  Focusing on others’ needs and neglecting your own?

•  Hiding your true emotions under a mask that permanently says, “I am fine”?

•  Putting in enormous efforts to be the perfect person in every role you occupy in life? 

•  Hurrying up through life to reach an end that always seems to elude you? 

 If you are, then like me once upon a time, you have lost touch with your authentic self. 

 Are you ready to open the gate and let your authentic self back in?

 Let’s talk

What is your relationship with endings?

Endings are part of the many transitions we go through in life. Whether it’s a redundancy, a retirement, a job change, relocation, a marriage, a divorce, a war, political unrest, a birth or the death of a loved one. All of those experiences signal endings. 

I am writing this blog while on a visit with my daughter, with the knowledge that our special quality time together will shortly come to an end when I fly back home. 

Endings are sometimes big or small. No matter the size or significance, we rarely stop to explore our relationship with endings, or take a moment to pause and reflect on whether we want to change that relationship we have with endings. 

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”

-Paulo Coelho, a Brazilian lyricist & novelist.

On reflection I realised that my relationship with endings has changed over time. At first I was reacting from my past childhood family situation and the many abrupt endings that I have experienced growing up. I recollect that during that distant past the importance of endings was minimised. There was no time or space made available to reflect, process or learn. It was about survival and moving forward.

In contrast, nowadays I take my time with endings and recognise their importance. I sit with the pain and discomfort that sometimes comes with certain endings. I allow myself to grieve the loss so I can make space for what is to come, to say goodbye to the old so I can have the capacity to welcome and be present with the new. Embracing endings helps me saviour the present moment. 

How we end can impact how we begin. So spending sometime reflecting on how we cope with endings and becoming aware of the mind-set we carry in relation to endings can be helpful. Do you perhaps rush through endings, or linger on or avoid them altogether? Is that behaviour around endings something you recognise as a pattern from the environment in which you grew up? Is it an attitude that has been passed on from the previous generation? Most importantly do you want to continue to embrace this way of coping with endings or do you desire a change?

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”

-Ellen Goodman, an American journalist & syndicated columnist.

Are you struggling to come to terms with an ending? I invite you to give yourself the time and space to sit with the feelings that are coming up for you in relation to this ending. Give your emotions room to be expressed. While doing so ask yourself, “What is the story I am holding in my head about this ending? Is this story helpful? Can I possibly write a different and more helpful story that will allow me to move on?”

For additional support you can schedule a time to explore your situation with a coach or counsellor. 

Alternatively you can attend a workshop, such as the one I attended recently, which inspired this blog, given by Adrian Hall and Rebecca Gane entitled Rewriting Endings. Connect with them via LinkedIn to learn more.  

Embrace Your Fear. Don't Freeze It!

I believe fear must have been the first emotion that I have learnt to master. Growing up I feared many things. The first ever fear that I consciously remember experiencing was fear of taking the lift. I was stuck in a lift once as a child and found the experience extremely frightening and distressing. I refused to go into a lift after that and always took the stairs no matter how high I needed to go. It kept me fit but I hated the feeling of being afraid. At some point in my early teens I started to challenge myself and go in the lift for a short distance, a kind of exposure self-therapy and in time I managed to overcome it.

 The next fear on my list was fear of the deep. I was afraid of swimming at the deep end of a swimming pool or in the deep end in the sea. An incident when I was a teenager of jumping into the deep end of a pool by mistake and nearly drowning did not help matters. Movies about sharks that were popular in the eighties fuelled my imagination and only served to make this fear grow. My fear of the deep comes and goes depending on my level of exposure.

 Next was my fear of flying which is now a thing of the past. Neuro-Linguistic Programming concepts really helped me to overcome this particular fear because I became aware of the pictures and movies I was creating in my head that were contributing to my fear. Once I played around with those images my fear diminished considerably. Also reading and gathering knowledge about aviation risks helped me also realise the absurdity of that particular fear. 

 However my biggest fear to date I would say was or is fear of public speaking. So how have I learnt to manage this fear and speak in public? 

 Fear, like sadness, anger and joy is an important emotion. It signals danger and propels us to take action towards safety. However in some cases it can be experienced out of context and out of proportion to the situation. That is when it is important to delve into it and start exploring it. 

“Most of us experience fear as a kind of stop sign or flashing red light that warns: “Danger! Do not enter!” But we may need to decide that signal and consider what it’s trying to convey. What is the actual nature of the danger? Is it past or present, real or imagined? Are we feeling anxious because we are boldly charting new territory, or because we’re about to do something stupid?”

     - Harriet Learner, Ph.D., The Dance Of Fear

 

Fear is a misunderstood emotion. Experiencing fear is unpleasant and so we rush to block it, suppress it, ignore it or avoid the situations that cause it to arise in us. In the right context it is important to take measures for safety, however when it is out of context then we need to pay more attention to fear instead of blocking or ignoring it. That is because fear carries important messages about our past experiences and clues to understanding our behaviours in the present.

 Dr Pippa Grange writes that there are two types of fear: the one that is appropriate in the right context of a crisis which she calls in-the-moment fear, and the other type of fear that is out of sync with the situation and rules our lives, affects our choices and leaves us unfulfilled. She refers to this type as the not-good-enough fear. She echoes what Harriet Lerner wrote and adds that the not-good-enough fear is mixed up with what happened in the past and what might happen in the future.  Something that was true with my fear of public speaking. 

 I realised I had a fear of public speaking in my early twenties when I started university in the UK. Not only did I discover that I was terrified to stand in front of an audience and speak, I was also ashamed about having such a fear and so did not want anyone to know about it. This added to my stress as it meant that in addition to fear of public speaking, I was afraid of being exposed as having fear of public speaking. I believed that I would be laughed at and ridiculed if others found out. It meant that every time I needed to stand up and speak before an audience I was using lots of energy to block and also disguise my fear. I can tell you that it was exhausting and left me drained and unable to enjoy the experience. 

 My way of managing this fear at first was to avoid speaking in public. However there were times when I couldn’t avoid it as my grades depended on it. In those situations I suffered tremendously before, during and after the event. 

 Yet at the same time I wanted to share important thoughts and ideas with people. I felt often that I had meaningful things to talk about that can make a positive difference in people’s lives and perhaps offer them clarity or alleviate their pain. This drove me to explore more deeply my fear by first allowing myself to be exposed to it, which meant doing the very thing I feared doing, stand in front of an audience and speak through joining clubs like Toastmasters of The Hague.

 More recently during my Transactional Analysis studies I explored further my fear using the tools and concepts the course offered and also during therapy and supervision. The most transforming thing that I learnt on this emotional journey was to withstand the discomfort that engulfed my being when I experienced the fear. To sit with the fear for a bit and listen to what was happening in my body and to the possible messages and information that this fear was trying to convey. 

 I discovered that my fear was associated with childhood traumas. The fear of public speaking was a disguise to a bigger fear. Fear of being abandoned, unloved and rejected. Fear of being shamed and humiliated. Although my mind could not pinpoint specific events, my body somehow remembered and kept the score. So whenever I was in a situation that put me at the centre of attention, like speaking in public, my body reacted and signalled to me that I was in danger. Gaining that self-awareness was extremely helpful in managing my fear. I realised that my fear was a thing from the past and did not belong to the present moment. I felt gratitude and compassion towards my body and it’s attempts to protect me from what it perceived as dangerous due to past traumatic experiences. I realised that the present is different and that I am no longer facing that danger. Furthermore it is okay to be afraid sometimes. There is no shame in that and no need to hide this fact. In fact in the first speech I gave at Toastmasters I started my talk by acknowledging my fear and anxiety. This resonated with many people who later came and shared their own fears with me. These insights were also helpful in my work as a coach and counsellor as many of my clients also struggle with fears and anxieties. 

 Have I stopped being afraid of public speaking? No. However nowadays it no longer silences my authentic voice. It no longer stops me from acting with compassion and courage. By embracing my fear I was able to manage it better.

 Dr Pippa Grange, a sports psychologist, writes in her book, Fear Less, that facing our fears is a kind of growing up and is about shedding our parents’, generational and social fears. She adds that facing our fears will free us to explore our true ambitions and allow us to look at the world with a new perspective. 

“The best thing we can do with fear is to befriend it. That is, we can learn to expect, allow, and accept fear, observe it, watch it rise and fall, attend to how it feels in the body, watch it mindfully, and understand that fear will always reappear. Fear is a physiological process that cavorts and careens through our bodies and makes us miserable. Eventually it subsides — only, of course to return. The real culprits are our knee-jerk responses to fear, and the ways we try to avoid fear, anxiety, and shame.”

- Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance Of Fear

I invite you to also embrace your fear rather than freeze it. Learn to sit with the discomfort for a bit and find out what you can learn. Perhaps you might find that befriending your fear yields better results than avoiding it.

The Secret To Happy Relationships

I have been preoccupied the past couple of weeks with the wedding of my daughter, who got married on the 4th of June. I took a break from all other activities in order to be fully present with her, close family members and friends, on this special occasion. We had a beautiful and joyful day. Luckily I had been practicing my ‘one leg’ dance (check previous posts) as we ended up performing it later that evening 😃. 

 In the run up to the wedding day my daughter asked me this question:

“What is the secret to a happy relationship?”

 My answer without any hesitation was:

 “The secret to a happy relationship with another, is to have a happy and healthy relationship with yourself first.”

 I truly believe in the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with others. I also believe that this applies not only to romantic relationships but all other relationships too. This is what my life experience has revealed to me and what I later learnt when I studied human behaviour and personality. 

 When you have a healthy relationship with yourself:

 ✔ You take responsibility for your own behaviours instead of carrying the blame for everyone else’s. 

 ✔ You do not entertain the fantasy that you can fix everything and everyone, and recognise that you can only manage and bring about change in yourself. This in turn will most probably lead to changes in your environment.

 ✔ You will not always neglect yourself and put others’ needs above your own, and then feel resentful because they do not follow suit. Instead you will recognise that to give to others you need to give to yourself first. 

 ✔ You will not say yes when you actually want to say no, then feel overwhelmed and have a sense of failure because ultimately you are unable to meet all those demands you have put on yourself. 

 ✔ You will not feel constantly anxious, agitated and on shaky ground, due to self-doubt, and instead feel secure, confident and grounded with your sense of self-worth.

 ✔ You will speak to and treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you show others. 

 ✔ Having a healthy relationship with yourself means that when you disagree with another you manage the situation with the ability to still show love, kindness and respect.

 ✔ When you have a healthy relationship with yourself you will know that you are good enough. 

 From this vantage point every other relationship you form, will be healthier and happier, and if it is not, then you will spot the signs early on, and have the awareness and self-worth to intervene early on, and take steps to exit a toxic relationship or set boundaries that protect you from harm. 

 “every time I meet more of myself 

i can know and love more of you”

- Yung Pueblo, poet and philosopher

 What do you think is the secret to healthy and happy relationships? Please share your insights in the comments. 

5 Questions That Will Support Your Journey Of Change

Many of us, in our quest for self-development, personal growth and change, embark on courses, coaching packages, counseling sessions, therapy and more. However we all know that change can be difficult and as we are creatures of habit, acquiring new habits and new healthier patterns of behaviour can be challenging. When it comes to our journey of change, we may resist, self-sabotage, distract from or give up altogether on our attempts at transforming ourselves.

 What can we do to support our work towards self-development? How can we ensure that we follow through and stay on the path towards growth and change? What can keep us motivated when the going gets tough? How can we prevent ourselves from throwing in the towel and giving up on ourselves?

 Below are some questions to ask yourself and reflect upon that may be helpful. Answering those questions forms a contract, not with another, but a contract with yourself that you can adhere to and honour. I was introduced to this concept of making a contract, during my Transactional Analysis studies and I found it extremely helpful.  

 Let me share it with you.

 Get a piece of paper or a notebook and answer the following five questions as honestly as you can. Do this exercise, when you are about to embark on a programme or any kind of work that is towards your self-development, and that will involve you making profound changes in your life. Take time to reflect after each question and then write your answers down.

 These are the 5 questions to ask yourself:

 1      What do I want to change for myself by doing this work or being on this programme and why?

Answering this question will help you identify your needs and wants and clarify the reasons or purpose that is igniting your need for change. It helps you to see the benefits clearly and fires up your passion and your feelings of excitement. You need to know what you want before you can seek it.

 2      What steps do I need to take to achieve this?

This helps you identify what you already have at your disposal and what you are lacking by way of skills, knowledge or support. Maybe you need to organize childcare in order to be available for certain course dates for example and set the right environment for you to focus. . It can also help break the task down into smaller more achievable bite size pieces and thus reduce overwhelm.

 3      How will I know when I’ve made this change? And how will others know?

This is an important question because if you don’t know how the change you are seeking will look like, sound like or feel like, then you will not know when you have achieved it. It also creates a momentum towards a vision of the future that you want. Is it about demonstrating a change of behaviour in certain situations, or about mastering a new way of communicating and relating, or perhaps about managing stress better?

 4      How will I sabotage myself and what steps can I put in place to prevent this?

This will bring into your awareness the negative patterns of thinking or behaving that you have engaged in in the past, that got in the way of achieving what you want. It can also alert you to any obstacles that might stand in your way. Once you identify these patterns or obstacles then you can notice them early when they creep up and have some preventative ways planned ahead of how to manage them.

 5      How will I celebrate the success of change and with whom?

We often neglect this last step, which is extremely important. We must allow time and space to celebrate our successes, however small, instead of brushing them off and rushing into our next project. Take a pause and enjoy the moment with those that love you and support you. Plan a date for a party or a few days away to mark the successful end.

 Once you are done with this exercise, I suggest that you keep this piece of writing somewhere safe and re-visit it every time you feel that your motivation is waning or when the going gets tough.

 If you would like to explore this sort of work further then do get in touch and take advantage of my 15 minutes free call.

What is the most important quality in a leader?

“Is being a leader a choice or a skill set?”

 A question posed by Alastair James during the latest Purpose Collective conversation I attended. During the breakout room discussion that followed, someone mentioned how at school some of us were told that you could either be a leader or a follower. It occurred to me in that moment that, as a young person, I never saw myself as a leader because I was way too emotionally reactive and had zero self-confidence.

 I grew up in an environment that discriminated against people who look like me. The rejection and the feeling of not belonging chipped at my sense of identity, and self-worth. I did not have the confidence to speak up or share my creative thoughts and ideas for fear of being ridiculed. In addition, my need to belong and feel accepted meant that my focus was on meeting the needs of others and neglecting my own. This environment did not offer me safety to be me or to make mistakes. I bottled up my emotions and tried hard to adapt to the expectations of others around me and in that process I temporarily lost myself.

“Sometimes, it is only in the getting lost that we can find our way back home.” 

-Jeanette LeBlanc, speaker, coach & mentor 

When you grow up in a challenging environment you instinctively develop patterns of thinking and behaving to survive that harsh environment. You carry those behaviours unconsciously into adulthood and they become part of your skill set and character traits. However what served you so well as a child can become an obstacle in your adult life. For example in my case, caring for others is great, however not so great when it is at the expense of neglecting my own self-care.

 To be able to meet the needs of others I developed great powers of observation and an ability to read people and anticipate what they might do next. That ensured my safety and protection in the past. By being discriminated against and ‘othered' , I became someone who can empathise, show compassion and understanding towards people who have been viewed or treated as intrinsically different. Instead of being angry and bitter, I was curious about people’s behaviours including my own. In my curiosity I often asked myself the question “How” instead of “Why”. How do we become the way we are? How do we develop certain ways of thinking, feeling and behaving? What are the factors in our environment that influence this? More importantly, is it possible for people to change, if so, then how? The fact that I survived childhood traumas also demonstrates a degree of resilience and perseverance. I was not fully aware that those qualities were my signature strengths when it comes to leadership. As a coach I observe a similar lack of awareness in some of the clients I work with. I make sure that our work together re-connects them with those forgotten inner strengths.

 Many years later when I started my career as a pharmacist, my hard work paid off and I got promoted. Promotion thrust me in leadership positions and my emotional and mental struggles made this role difficult. I inevitably made mistakes along the way, which, in some cases, deepened the wounds from childhood.

 In my thirties I finally got the coaching and counselling I so needed and desired, and that brought about a wonderful transformation within me and outside of me. The counselling addressed a lot of the distorted decisions I made about myself and others as a result of childhood trauma, and that positively impacted my role as a leader.

 ✨ My self-esteem and confidence grew.

✨ I became more responsive instead of being reactive.

✨ The care I gave to my emotional and mental well-being meant, that as a leader, I am also able to convey to members of the team this same important message.

✨ It meant caring for others without neglecting my own self-care.

✨ It meant being open and curious about what I can learn when mistakes are made, instead of being hard and unforgiving of myself.

✨ It meant having the ability to be honest without being hurtful, to listen to feedback without feeling shame and rejection, and to create a safe environment where we can all enjoy together the journey of learning and discovery.

 Most importantly I found my voice and dared to speak up and share my thoughts and ideas especially on the subject of emotional and mental health. My vulnerability became my strength. We can’t shine bright without acknowledging that we all do have a dark side that is in need of change. 

“I raise up my voice-not so I can shout but so that those without a voice can be heard...we cannot succeed when half of us are held back.”

―Malala Yousafzai, an activist for female education and a Nobel Peace Prize laureate

Taking care of my mental and emotional health was a game changer for me on the personal and professional front. Nowadays I find myself again in a leadership role in my work with ACCESS, alongside my coaching practice, at The Hague International Centre, where I lead a team of amazing, talented and skilled individuals, navigating their own personal challenges as well as supporting internationals to have a smooth transition into the Netherlands. We work well together as a team despite our cultural, religious, gender, and age differences. Perhaps that is what makes us so suited at providing a service to a similar diverse audience.  

 I think that we always have a choice when it comes to leadership. We can choose what kind of leader we want to be and, with that in mind, take the necessary steps to acquire the skills needed to be that leader.

 I believe that there is a leader in every one of us. We are influencing someone somewhere all of the time. This is not the case only at work but at home too. As a parent you are the shining example for your kids. What you say and do will form a big part of their life values. Therefore we all have the responsibility to personally develop ourselves so we become a healthy example to be followed. This may mean doing the work necessary to heal our wounds, understand how the past has impacted our personality and behaviour and learn the tools necessary to grow ourselves up again into leaders that can demonstrate the qualities that Alastair shared with us: care, courage, curiosity, collaboration, candour and consistency. To lead effectively it is paramount that you first take care of your emotional and mental health so you are leading through responding to the current reality and not to wounds and triggers from your past. 

 To lead when thrust in a leadership position might not be a conscious choice but how to lead is!

Are you feeling stuck?

Stuck in an unwanted job?

Stuck in a toxic relationship?

Stuck in a state of indecision?

“I feel stuck.” This is a common phrase that some clients say to me when they come to the sessions. 

“Stuckness” is often the result of an inner conflict between two parts inside us. The Parent part,  that took on all the parental messages from childhood about what we should or shouldn’t do, and the Child part in us, that wants to satisfy our needs and wants. Both of these parts are operating on information from our past personal history. To be able to resolve the conflict and get unstuck, we need to come back to the present moment and use the information available to us in the here and now. That is to access the Adult part in us, which focuses on current reality. 

We also get stuck as a result of denying our reality. As long as we are in the denial loop we stay in the stuck loop. This happens when we live our lives according to old decisions we have made in the past. We are no longer aware of these decisions yet we are still following them automatically. The behaviours resulting from these decisions are no longer useful to us, yet we still defend those behaviours and carry on. The act of defending behaviours that are no longer useful in the present moment is called denial or discounting, in Transactional Analysis terminology. 

When we discount, we are denying our responsibility to act appropriately in relation to a current reality. We can discount on four different levels: 

🙈Discount that a problem exists - no problem. 

🙈Discount the seriousness of the problem - not serious.

🙈Discount the solvability of the problem - no solution.

🙈Discount our ability to find options to resolve the problem - no self capacity.

We can discount ourselves and others. 

When we think, feel and behave from one of these discounts then we feel stuck and powerless to change the situation. We can’t change the things that we continue to deny the existence of. 

The first step to getting unstuck and feeling empowered is to bring to awareness and explore on a deeper level those inner conflicts, the discounting patterns and past decisions that are still influencing our present life. 

Does this resonate? Would you like to explore your personal situation further? 

Get in touch. 

Burnout, a blessing or a curse?

I have worked with a few clients who have shared with me that they have experienced burnout several times in their lives, and they are afraid of experiencing it yet again.

 As always I do all that I can to fully understand my clients’ experience, be it taking on more courses, attending workshops, reading a book or tapping into my own personal experience. In this quest I came across a book written by Dr Dina Glouberman, entitled The Joy of Burnout. Yes you read correctly, Joy! As I read it and reflected, I was reminded of a very challenging time I went through just prior to starting my coaching practice.

 I set up my coaching practice, Recipes4change, almost 10 years ago. What I did not realise then, but fully comprehend now, was that the symptoms I have experienced just prior to setting it up were in fact burnout. I worked for many years as a pharmacist and enjoyed it. However what I really enjoyed about the job had nothing to do with pharmaceuticals and more to do with human connection and a desire to make a difference. In those times I remember that patients often talked to me about issues that were not directly related to their medicines. They felt comfortable, safe and had enough trust in me to share their troubles. What I observed was that often the fact that I took time to listen and acknowledge their issues was sometimes enough to make them feel better. I in turn also felt good after those interactions and wanted to give more of my time to this kind of work.  It took some more years for me to become aware of my true passion and even more years to envision it. Yet fear stood in the way. Burnout finally got me to face my fears, and was the final catalyst that spurred me into taking a series of actions that led to the work that I do today. I quit pharmacy work for good and put my focus on my coaching and counselling training and practice. In doing so I reaped the joys of my burnout. The book has many such personal stories.

 Dr Glouberman, a psychotherapist and formerly a Senior Lecturer in Psychology, and someone who experienced burnout herself, says, “when we burnout, it is our old personality that burns itself out. Then our soul fire begins to light our way and to bring us joy.”

 Her words resonate with me and seem in sync with an article I came across during my Transactional Analysis (TA) training. The article explores further, and from a TA perspective, a research carried out in 1975 by German- born American psychologist Herbert Freudenberger, who classified different personality types that are vulnerable to burnout. He found a link between the phenomenon of burnout and a person’s identity as a professional. He classified three personality types:

 1-The Dedicated & Committed:

Who work hard to meet the increasing demands made upon them and do not question those that make such demands. This person is not able to say no because of a belief system that the needs of others are more worthy than their own needs. They tend to feel good about themselves through the service to others. When their efforts meet with less success, they work even harder and get caught in a vicious cycle of hard work, frustration and become less efficient and ineffective.  This compounds feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Such personality types over- identify with the people they serve.

 2- The Overcommitted & Work Enmeshed: 

Who indeed are overcommitted with an unsatisfactory private life and work becomes their only source of meaning and worth. They have no real boundaries between their professional and personal lives. They become over involved in their work environment and spend more and more time at work. 

 3-The Authoritarian & Patronising:

Who need to be in control and believe that no one else can do the job as well they can. They believe that others are inadequate and incompetent and need micromanaging and controlling. 

 Do you see aspects of yourself in any of those personality types? I recognise behaviours that I used to exhibit in the past that fit in with the first type, the dedicated & committed. I used to always put others’ needs above my own and certainly struggled to say no.

 Dr Glouberman outlines also a typical burnout profile that shows some similarity to the above personality types. In her book she writes that those prone to burnout tend to be:

-       Ambitious, high achievers with high energy

-       Enthusiastic, work hard and do whatever is needed and at any cost

-       Perceive themselves as holding together situations that they perceive would fall apart without them

-       Think that they are unlimited in energy, superwomen or supermen

-       Generally driven and have a high need to be needed or approved of

-       Have a pattern of overdoing and over-giving without a regard for themselves

She says that all of these are patterns that may have begun way back in childhood when in our families we felt loved for what we achieved or gave, rather than for being who we are.

 If we read those above profiles and classifications, it is no surprise that when we give so much of ourselves, coupled with an environment that is not supportive, understanding or appreciative, we can sometimes burn out. My clients’ fears of re- experiencing burnout again is valid, because often it is not a one off event, and can recur again in different forms and different areas of our lives, including within intimate relationships, until we do the work necessary to address the underlying issues and process the messages that burnout is trying to convey to us. In this way burnout can lead to powerful transformations and challenge us to create a new way of life.

 We tend to experience burnout in the areas that are close to our heart and soul and where we invest our creativity. They are also the very same areas from which we draw our sense of identity and belonging. When things are going well and our efforts are met with appreciation or reward, we feel energised and vibrant and life seems positive and successful. It is when something upsets this picture that we become candidates to burnout. That was exactly my personal experience almost a decade ago.

 The general message of the book is that burnout, although a painful experience, can ultimately lead to positive results if we are open to its message of examining our personal and professional life and see if we are living the life we want and that our work reflects who we truly are. 

 Burnout is simply the body’s way to let us know that we have reached the end of a particular path, yet we are refusing to acknowledge this fact. By having burnout we are forced to slow down, sometimes, even stop for a while, reflect and re-assess. This can allow us to connect again to our true self and acknowledge that the way we have been leading our lives before is not working and we need to make a change going forward.

 I am glad that I had courage to do the work necessary, with the support of a professional, to understand my patterns and my needs, to gain awareness of how my personal history impacted my beliefs and behaviours and to work on my fears and to re- connect with my true self. The awareness I gained coupled with my willingness to change and follow a new path meant that I was finally able to be who I want to be and do what I want to do.

 I wish that too for all my clients and I will share what I know to support their growth.

 This book, alongside working with a professional, can be helpful to those who have experienced burnout, those going through it right now and to those who would like to learn how to recognise the signs early in order to prevent burnout. 

The One Thing You Can Do To Ensure Healthy Parenting

When I became a mother for the first time I remember being very anxious, over-protective and obsessively worrying about the safety of my daughter. I thought that it was part and parcel of motherhood. However I observed that not all parents around me were exhibiting the same behaviour. This made me curious. 

When my daughter was six months old, I remember being gripped with anxiety as I watched her happily playing with her toys on the living room floor. It struck me then that I was exactly that age when my mother left me and went on a scholarship abroad. This was the first realisation that slowly exposed the root cause of my anxiety and overly protective attitude. Unconsciously, my daughter at that age, was reminding me on a bodily level, of the emotions I went through when I was at her age. I was unaware that my own childhood experience was contaminating my parenting behaviour in that present moment. 

Parenting is by far the most important role we may encounter with probably the least amount of formal training and preparation. We tend to either parent the way we were parented or do the extreme opposite. 

However there is a more balanced way to be the best parent you can be. How? By investing in your own personal growth and development. By reflecting on your own childhood experience and upbringing so you can become more self-aware and learn healthy ways to stop passing on negative patterns from generation to generation. 

My desire to be a better parent motivated me to invest in my own emotional and mental well-being and in my own personal growth and development. I was, thus, able to explore and reflect on my own upbringing so that I could identify and understand my own discomforts in the hope of not passing them on to my children. This supported me in learning healthy ways of relating to myself and others, most importantly to my children. This allowed me to process my inherited fear and anxiety so I could stop passing it on to my daughters. 

You also can make such an investment in yourself. It will help you reshape that parenting link that stretches way back to your ancestors and way forward to the next generations to come. This ensures that you pass on the good stuff from your own upbringing and hold back on the unhealthy aspects of it. 

If you had a healthy and happy childhood then this exercise of examining your childhood is unlikely to be painful. However for many of us that was not the case and therefore looking back on our childhood may bring emotional discomfort. However the rewards for the present and future far outweigh this discomfort.

As Philippa Perry, a renowned psychotherapist, writes in her book entitled, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, “It is necessary to become more self-aware around that discomfort so that we can become more mindful of ways to stop us passing it on. So much of what we have inherited sits just outside of our awareness. That makes it hard sometimes to know whether we are reacting in the here and now to our child’s behaviour or whether our responses are more rooted in our past.” 

It is not about being a perfect parent. I personally do not believe in such a thing. As Perry says, children need parents to be real and authentic , not perfect. It is about reflecting on your own childhood experience in order to understand how it may have an effect on your parenting. It is about accepting that you will make mistakes and how to learn from those mistakes. It is about letting go of judgment of yourself and others. It is about improving your chances of having a healthy relationship with your children so they in turn will be able to perpetuate that healthy relationship with their children. 

It is important as parents that we do not feel disheartened when inevitably we make mistakes that can be hurtful. Hurts and misunderstandings are common in intimate family relationships. What is important is that when we realise our mistakes we take steps to mend the hurt. 

Perry stresses that it is not the rupture that is important, it is the repair that matters. In other words mending the hurt. This can be achieved through working on changing the way we respond through recognising our triggers and using that awareness to behave differently as parents. My personal experience confirms this. Feel proud at noticing the issues and taking steps to bring about a positive change.

As parents we play a major role in our child’s environment, which in turn plays a big part in forming the unique person that our child will be. Healthy parenting starts with looking at you, how you feel about yourself and how much responsibility you are willing to take for your behaviour. If you are a parent or considering becoming one then I highly recommend reading Perry’s book. 

Contact me if you are interested to explore this further. 

Let's Talk About Fear And Anxiety

Anxiety was a constant companion throughout my childhood and young adult life. Growing up, I saw it demonstrated clearly by parental figures and society at large. A civil war, a coup d’état and a sudden death in the family only served to perpetuate this anxiety and add trauma to injury. 

Anxiety or fear has a purpose: to signal danger in life threatening situations and alert us to do one of three things: fight, flight or freeze. In our world today we mostly face non-life threatening events that build up and elicit a false fight-flight-freeze response. Since we can’t avoid these modern day stresses, such as paying the bills, giving a presentation, or getting a PCR test result in time for a flight, as they build up we can end up with a nervous system overload. Although this response is in tune with how your brain is programmed to respond, it is out of proportion with the actual danger of the situation. 

Anxiety comes in many different forms: chronic worrying, fears and phobias, performance anxiety, public-speaking anxiety, shyness, panic attacks, fear of stepping outside your home, obsessions and compulsions, post traumatic stress disorder, concerns about your appearance or worries about your health. No matter the type of anxiety or fear you are experiencing, there are elements in common to all anxieties: 

• They all involve negative patterns of thinking. Often when you feel anxious and afraid you are telling yourself that something terrible is about to happen. You conjure a negative scenario in your head, for example about taking a flight, standing in front of an audience or meeting someone new. The fear is as a result of the negative messages and scenarios you are playing in your head. 

• They all lead you to avoid the thing that you fear. Depending on what it is you fear, you go through life avoiding it. You avoid flying for example, or giving a speech, or taking the lift, or meeting new people. 

• They involve suppressing your authentic emotions. Perhaps you grew up in a culture where emotions were kept in. Perhaps the messages you got growing up were that it’s not okay to talk about your feelings. Therefore anxiety is a result of these unprocessed feelings surfacing in response to experiencing certain life changing events such as a new relationship, a breakup, a promotion, a relocation, having children or the death of a loved one. These events can arouse inner unresolved conflicts and trigger feelings of fear and anxiety. 

The symptoms of anxiety are not always obvious. They can manifest themselves in different ways such as talking too much and exhibiting endless energy or talking too little and being withdrawn. They can be mild but chronic, or severe and acute. Some ailments, such as headaches or digestive problems, can also be related to chronic anxiety. 

I went through a big part of my life not addressing my own anxiety and instead suppressing feelings of discomfort. Eventually, through my psychological studies and therapy I gained valuable awareness and understanding of my own anxiety related issues and in turn learnt resourceful ways to manage them.

It’s interesting that many of the clients that seek me as a coach also suffer from and want to relieve their fears and anxieties. My personal experience allows me to fully appreciate their struggle and my professional knowledge allows me to support them to discover helpful ways to alleviate their own anxiety. 

The reality is that life is stressful and certain events can lead us to be anxious and afraid. It’s not about leading a life devoid from anxiety but learning how to manage it so it is proportional to the event being experienced.

Here are four suggestions on how to manage your fears and anxieties:

1.     Anxiety = Fear
And Fear is an acronym for:
F - False
E - Evidence
A - Appearing
R - Real
One of the ways to manage anxiety and fear is to do a reality check. Essentially checking out the evidence. The brain does not distinguish between what is fantasy and what is reality. If you imagine a horror scenario your physiology will soon change in response to that imagined scenario. You will feel stressed, anxious and afraid, as if the scenario is happening in a real sense. In this emotional state you will feel disabled, even paralysed. You cannot access the creative part in your brain that can employ the resources you have at your disposal to find solutions, because in this state you will be blinded to them and will see little or no options. 

So why not use this amazing brain skill to your advantage? If you want to imagine, then imagine positive scenarios and outcomes. Make them as joyful and as vivid as you wish and enjoy the warm, fuzzy, and energised sensations that will flood your body as a consequence. In this positive emotional state you will be more joyful and therefore more resourceful, more empowered and more productive. 

Doing this helps to re-programme your brain to seek out positive scenarios. Remember that practice makes perfect. 

2.     Instead of suppressing your anxiety, try engaging with it instead. Often anxiety is trying to communicate something to us, something that needs our attention. Listen to it and try to understand what it is trying to tell you about your present life situation. Do you need to take action with regards a personal relationship or a work situation? Once the appropriate actions are taken the anxiety often subsides. 

3.     Anxiety typically is in relation to a future event. We can’t control the past or the future. We only can exercise some control over the present moment. A quick way to bring yourself to the present moment is to bring your attention to your breathing. Breathe in and then slowly breathe out. Repeat this for a few minutes and enjoy the effects. Again it is helpful if you incorporate such a meditative technique into your everyday life.

4.     Anxiety often leads us to regress to a past childhood experience where we needed to be comforted and reassured. Here is an exercise that I do that almost always works to calm me down.
Close your eyes and imagine your child self as a baby or toddler perhaps. Imagine this baby coming to you and is anxious and frightened. What do you normally do to comfort a frightened child? Yes, you hold that child close, whisper in their ears and tell them that you will keep them safe. That they are loved and taken care of. Hold your inner child and comfort them for as long as needed. Usually it only takes a minute or two and you will feel calm again. 

It’s important to address your anxiety and seek professional help if necessary, as in some serious cases it can lead to depression and even suicide.