Thoughts About Anxiety

“I was told that my thoughts are leading to my anxiety, and that changing my thoughts would get rid of my anxiety, but it doesn’t seem to work. What are your thoughts on this?”

 That was one of the questions asked at our recent Let's Talk About Anxiety event at The Hague Natural Health Centre. 

 When I became a mother for the first time I was gripped by intense anxiety. Yes, the anxiety was partly triggered by negative thoughts about the safety of my baby. However, there was something much deeper that my body was feeling yet my mind could not understand. It was much later on when I engaged in therapy that I understood what it was: trauma.

 Your negative thoughts can lead you to experience anxiety, because our brain does not decipher between what is real and what is imagined. However, depending on your unique circumstances, being simply told to change your thoughts to get rid of your anxiety, as the attendee shared, is not helpful. In fact, on top of the anxiety you might feel like a total failure. 

 In addition, we are not always consciously aware of our thoughts, and anxiety can also be a response to not only our cognitive processes, but also to our Body which, as Bessel Van Der Kolk wrote, Keeps The Score. 

 The deeper question to ask is: why do some people have the tendency towards negative thoughts in the first place, or have the tendency to feel things more deeply than others?

 The answer lies in one’s personal history. Your life experiences shape who you are, and have an impact on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, as well as your capacity to handle the various types of stresses that life throws at you. 

 Imagine that you carry a container into which you dump the stress you come across from day to day. This container also has a tap from which you can occasionally empty some of that stress. Things that help you relieve the stress, or empty out your container, include exercise, mindful activities, talking to a friend or doing a hobby. If anything interferes with this regulation system of the container, for example an unexpected big life event which fills up your container with a sudden huge amount of stress, or a blockage to the tap due to, say, missing out on regular exercise, then your container will overflow. Some signs of overflow can be irritability, sleep disturbance, being withdrawn, or outbursts of strong emotions. The idea is to be self-aware and closely monitor your container and take action in order to avoid overflow.

Another thing to consider is that the capacity to hold stress differs from person to person. 

 What causes this difference? 

 The answer again lies in our personal history. If you have had a life filled with childhood traumas, losses and upsets, then your container size will be smaller due to the sediments that such life experiences cause, which take up space in your container. These sediments get dislodged when you face life challenges and interfere with the flow. Talking to a professional can help process these life experiences and break the sediments into much smaller pieces that can easily flow out of your container. Also, you may be carrying baggage that does not belong to you which also adds to the sediments in your container. Again, a therapist will help you identify what is yours and return what is not to the rightful owners. This creates space in your container.

 Someone whose life was devoid of drama will have a much bigger container with no sediments and therefore have a bigger capacity to handle stress. 

 So, if you have had a life filled with traumatic events then you become a person who is more likely to have negative thoughts, and is generally more vigilant and defensive. That is because your experience taught you that the environment is not safe, that people are not to be trusted. You have a heightened sensitivity to your environment, and thus a more anxious personality. You are in survival mode. You go through life preparing to fight, flee or freeze, as expressed by one client who said,

“I feel that my head is full, I can’t focus or think clearly. All I want to do is run.” 

Understanding that how she was feeling is normal considering the severe trauma she has been through, already brings a degree of calm. She is not crazy. She is emotionally wounded and has not been given the appropriate first aid treatment.

 The more you address and heal the wounds of your past, the calmer you become and the safer you feel. We underestimate how much past events impact our present. 

 Of course, challenging your negative thoughts and practicing positive thinking is great, provided you have done the deeper work. 

“𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨.”

“𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨.”

 The statement above is often shared by some of my international clients who are living and working in a different culture to their own. On the one hand those experiences can be an opportunity for growth. However, on the other hand, depending on your childhood, they can also feel like rubbing salt on an open wound. A repetition of what was endured before. 

 As a black child growing up in Lebanon, I looked different, not only from members of the society at large but also from members in my own nuclear family. I faced racism which further drove the message that I did not belong. No matter how hard I tried the message that I did not fit in persisted. 

 As an adult I ended up leading an international life and I took my inner need to belong everywhere I went. I found myself having to repeatedly adapt and try to fit in within groups in different countries and different cultures. My efforts and hard work to fit in and belong sometimes left me emotionally exhausted. Having to constantly adapt to those changing environments meant that I no longer knew who I was. The most painful was witnessing my children grappling with their own sense of belonging. 

 The reality can be further complicated if you find yourself in multicultural groups, whether in a family setting or at work. What are the rules around belonging in such systems, and who defines them?

 Our sense of belonging starts at birth in the families that we are born into. We unconsciously carry those early experiences within us and they impact the rest of our lives. The feeling of not belonging might be old and gets re-enforced by present day experiences where you are treated like an outsider; where you get the message, “That’s not how things are done here.”

 So, you adapt, perhaps even over-adapt, a pattern of behaviour that you learnt as a child, and in doing so you lose your authentic self in the process.

 In the past, experiences that left me feeling like an outsider, caused me a lot of pain. After my years of therapy and re-training to become a coach and counsellor, I gained amazing insights into my personal journey and integrated a wealth of knowledge that helped resolve those deep patterns and dynamics from my childhood. 

 My personal experience, combined with my learnings, creates a great resource. This allows me to be a coach and counsellor who can support my international clients to explore,  and become aware, of the connection between their painful childhood experiences, and the pain and lack of belonging they are experiencing in the present. Sometimes that awareness on its own can bring relief, and in some cases perhaps more deep work and healing might be necessary. 

 We can’t change what happened to us, however we can choose what to do with what happened. We can choose to sit in pain or turn pain into purpose. 

𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦?

𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦? 

This month marks 5 years since my divorce was finalised.

As a counsellor, I have supported international clients who were going through divorce. The added difficulty here was that they were going through this difficult process away from their home country & the support of their extended family. In some cases their whole existence here in the Netherlands was tied to their spouse’s career, which added to their vulnerability. 

Divorce, although painful, can lead to enormous personal growth. It can initiate a healing journey during which you can reconnect with yourself, become unlocked and find your voice. 

These are some of the things that have come up in my sessions with clients: 

𝘋𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩. 𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮, 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘰𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮. 

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘈 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘷𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘴. 

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘮𝘦, 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴. 𝘏𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦, 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘮. 

At the same time, it is important to acknowledge that divorce is a death experience; the death of a relationship, of dreams, & a future that you had imagined. Allow yourself time to grieve the losses, and come to terms with those endings. Only then can you start to focus and engage in the new beginning with less anxiety & more energy. 

There are resources available to you in the community & networks around you such as working with a counsellor or attending support groups. 

If you would like to learn more about the counselling services I offer, or to take advantage of a 15-minute intake call with me free of charge, please get in touch via DM or my website: 𝘸𝘸𝘸.𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘦𝘴4𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦.𝘤𝘰𝘮

Speaking Fast And Slow

Are you a fast or slow speaker?  

Has the speed of your speech ever been an issue in your life?

I fall into the group of fast speakers. 

As a child and teenager I was ridiculed and laughed at repeatedly when I spoke. Often someone amongst the listeners would make a joke at my expense, and ask me through fits of laughter to, “please rewind and play it again.” 

I am sure the kids did not mean to be unkind, however the kid at the receiving end, me, felt shamed and hurt. Sometimes even adults in my environment imitated me and made fun of how I spoke. 

In time and out of awareness I formed a limiting decision that grew into a limiting belief. 

I am not good at public speaking and never will be. 

“It is important to see that whatever seems determined in your life has been determined by you unconsciously. You have written your own software. Depending on the way you have written your software, that is the way you think, that is the way you feel, that is the way you act, and that is what you invite into your life.”

- SADHGURU, a yogi, a mystic & founder of Isha Humanitarian Foundation

As I grew older this limiting belief turned into a strong fear of public speaking. I did everything I could to avoid speaking in public like it was the plague. 

On the occasions that I managed to avoid it, I felt relief mixed with shame and disappointment. I was disappointed because of the missed opportunity of sharing what I felt was of value. I felt shame at my inability to express my thoughts and opinions. 

On the occasions when I could not escape from it, I suffered tremendous anxiety and stress leading up to the main event. During the event itself I would shake like a leaf, have a dry mouth and struggle to concentrate, as all I could focus on was the need to get myself off that visible stage as soon as possible. At the end I would feel relief that it was over plus disappointment and shame with my performance. It was a vicious cycle.

I tried different things to help me overcome my fear of public speaking, like for example joining Toastmasters (an international non-for-profit organisation that helps people develop communication, public speaking, and leadership skills). They helped a little, however my real transformation came when I embarked on my studies about human behaviour, and had therapy. It was only then that I unearthed the real underlying issues behind my fear of public speaking, and became aware of those past limiting decisions and beliefs that I have made as a child. I also became aware of deeper traumatic experiences that added to my fear of speaking publicly, of being centre of attention and of being visible. 

For each vow and limiting belief that I reprogram and reframe, I get another layer of freedom.”

- Katische Haberfield, author.

Awareness was key because you can’t change what you are not aware actually exists. Once aware then the healing and recovery can start followed by taking actions to make new empowering decisions and beliefs to replace the old ones.

Today I wouldn’t say that I am totally free of fear surrounding my public speaking, however, because I have had the awareness and healing work, I am able to use that knowledge and awareness to energise me instead of paralyse me. Added to this is my passion at sharing what I have learnt in order to support others.

I am perhaps still a fast speaker but this habit no longer evokes shame in me. I embrace it and take steps to remind myself to slow down so I can communicate effectively the message I want to share with my audience.

Why is it important to uncover limiting beliefs? 

Because they navigate our lives and they are essentially errors of judgement. By uncovering them we gain the ability to limit the damage they cause and increase our choices. 

How do you uncover the limiting beliefs that are holding you back from reaching your true potential?

• By taking time and space to reflect on your life, and discover the areas where you feel you have not gotten the results you want despite your efforts. The areas where you feel out of sync with what you really want to be, do or have.

• By paying close attention to what your body is trying to communicate to you. 

• By engaging the services of a coach, counsellor or therapist because they act as objective observers who are more likely to detect those errors of judgement that you confidently carried within you for so long. So do go ahead and treat yourself to a number of sessions to resolve these issues. You are worth it.

Does this resonate? Is this something you need support with?  

Let’s talk. 

Let's Bust The Myth

Let’s bust the myth.

 Being a coach, counsellor or therapist does not mean:

•  That you have all the answers.

•  That you can fix anything or anyone.

•  That your life is perfect and always together.

•  That you don’t experience bad days.

•  That you never doubt yourself or feel anxious or afraid.

 We are human after all. We are not perfect nor in possession of magical powers. 

 Let me demonstrate this through sharing a personal story. I am living up to the Arabic meaning of my name after all, the female storyteller.

 All the work I did in relation to mental and emotional well-being, provided me with insights into my childhood experiences and how they led me to have certain behavioural patterns as a result of those experiences. This is also often the case with most of us. The circumstances surrounding our childhood shape who we are as adults. The coping behavioural patterns we develop as a result were helpful then as children, however prove to be ineffective strategies when we are adults. One of the things I became aware of are the issues surrounding abandonment, feeling unloved and unaccepted as I am. It drove me to try hard to people please, to adopt a perfectionist attitude and to suppress my authentic emotions. Gaining that self-awareness was transformational on a personal as well as a professional level. 

 I quit working as a pharmacist after many years in the profession and retrained to become a coach and a counsellor. 

 In my existing professional role I do experience periods where I am busy with clients, inspired to write blogs and social media posts, interacting with other professionals in the field, and attending webinars and workshops as a form of continuing learning and education. 

 And there are also the periods when I am less busy, have fewer or no clients, feel uninspired, experience fewer interactions and sit in a kind of stagnation. 

 I noticed that those quieter periods make me feel uncomfortable, and I observed that I seem to fall back onto the old out-dated childhood strategies of trying too hard to be and do what I feel is expected of me, in order to escape this discomfort. This was mostly evident to me during the COVID lockdown years when the world felt like it came to a standstill.

 “How interesting”, I thought to myself, on noticing my discomfort. “I wonder what is happening here?” I questioned myself.

 So I decided to consciously take a different approach during those quiet periods. Instead of getting busy ‘doing’ I chose ‘being’, to instead sit quietly with that discomfort and discover its source. I remembered Dr Susan David’s famous quote, which I love, 

 “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.”

- Susan David, psychologist, speaker and author.

 It’s not surprising that I did gain some meaningful information through withstanding this discomfort. I discovered that the source of this discomfort was connected to my past abandonment issues and feeling unloved and unaccepted. The discomfort I experienced in those quiet periods was due to me connecting to my Inner Child’s old fear of being abandoned, forgotten and left behind. 

 That insightful moment was so helpful and healing. It meant that nowadays when I do experience quieter and less productive periods in my profession, I do not feel that uncomfortable anxiety anymore. I let myself be and trust the process. I embrace this time of quiet and enjoy the valuable reflections it brings me that ultimately are so helpful in the work I do with clients. I see them as periods of enrichment. 

 Being coaches, counsellors and therapists simply means that we have the knowledge about psychological models, and having experienced them during our own therapeutic and supervision sessions, we know their value in assisting others, as well as ourselves, to resolve emotional and mental issues. We know how to implement them to support others without judgement and with much empathy and compassion. 

 The solution to ease our suffering lies within us. In the same way I was able to support myself in easing my discomfort I support my clients in finding the answers within them to ease their own discomforts. 

 I am curious what other professionals in this field think? 

 Please share in the comments. 

Do You Feel Like An In-betweener?

Do you feel like an in-betweener?

As mixed or multiracial human beings we sometimes feel like in-betweeners. Not necessarily because we choose to but because of how others perceive and treat us. We feel like we are in between different worlds and cultures, not fully embraced or belonging anywhere.

“I have been a queer mixture of the East and West, out of place everywhere, at home nowhere…I cannot be of the {West}. But in my own country, also, sometimes, I have an exile’s feeling.”

- Jawaharlal Nehru, anti-colonial nationalist & India’s first prime minister

In Lebanon as a mixed race child, I was always questioned about my origin. Being black with Afro hair was not synonymous with being Lebanese. 

Who am I and how do I fit in here? I was asked repeatedly. This happened even when I came across Lebanese people outside Lebanon. 

I remember an incident at university in Liverpool when my great uncle passed on my contact to the son of a Lebanese friend who also happened to live in the same city. This person gave me a call and after a brief chat we agreed to meet for a drink. I went along with a couple of other Lebanese friends of mine who were visiting at the time. Once I met him and introduced myself I could see how visibly shocked he was at my appearance. To him I sounded Lebanese on the phone, however I did not “look” Lebanese. He quickly lost interest to socialise with me and focused instead on my more ‘typically looking’ Lebanese friends.

Later on in my life when I was a parent living in Oman, I came across the restaurant chef at the club that we frequented. When I realised he was Lebanese I started having a polite chat with him in Arabic. His eyes widened with genuine surprise at hearing me speak with a Lebanese dialect. He stopped me mid-sentence and shouted loudly across to his wife, who happened to be there, to come over and listen to me speak, like I was some sort of an exhibit. 

In Ghana I hoped I’d fit in, yet I still experienced incidents that told me that I did not fully fit in here either. I remember a time walking in one of the villages and being followed by a bunch of young children pointing at me and chanting “Obroni”, which means white person.

I am reminded by another incident again while at university where I was asked by a couple of black African students in my year where I come from, and seeing the shock on their faces when I said Ghana.
“You are African!” They said, “Really? We would never have imagined so.”

I viewed those experiences often with a mixture of emotions. They did however make me feel like I did not belong anywhere. So unconsciously I believe I was looking for my tribe, for others who understood my experience and felt like me, in-betweeners. 

I did find them during my working years in London. I became part of a group of friends who between us encompassed many different countries and cultures: The French/Guadeloupean, the Ghanaian/ German, the Swiss/ Ghanaian, the Ghanaian/Dutch, and the British/Ghanaian, and in Oman the Namibian/German, and in the Netherlands the French/Togolese and so on. 

I gravitate and feel a kind of harmony with people who come from mixed cultural backgrounds. Other in-betweeners. I am curious to hear their stories. So when I ask you “Where are you from?” I don’t mean to exclude you from a country you affiliate with, but more out of an intuitive sense that, like me, you might be amongst cultures. 

It’s interesting that now as a coach and counsellor I do work with clients who feel like ‘in-betweeners’. They often share with me that having a mixed heritage was part of the reason they chose to work with me. They felt that I would be someone who would understand their lived experiences. Our work together includes issues relating to identity and belonging as well as other areas. 

It took some time for me to arrive at a familiar shore with regards my identity and sense of belonging. I carved and created my own. An identity that incorporates aspects from every culture that aligns with who I feel I am. It doesn’t matter what others think. It does not define me. Like the song ‘I Am Every Woman’, I feel that I am every culture I have experienced and came across, and every culture is in me. I found my way home, not in a physical sense but a spiritual one. 

“… home lies in the things you carry with you everywhere and not the ones that tie you down.”

-Pico Iyer, author

It is time we expand our perspective and let go of the idea that if you have a certain nationality then you must look a certain way. We are “global souls”, as Pico Iyer, writes in his book The Global Soul, and we only can find our own definition of home. 

What about you? What cultures are in you and where do you feel at home? 

How Intimate Are You In Your Relationships?

Opening up to someone needs courage because this act carries risks and rewards. The risk has to do with not knowing how they will respond to seeing your naked soul, to witnessing you at your most vulnerable. By choosing to avoid the risk you also avoid the pain associated with disappointment and perhaps rejection. However in playing it safe and avoiding pain you also might perhaps miss out on the rewards of love and acceptance, on the chance of experiencing a true connection and developing a meaningful and intimate relationship with another. 

How quickly or slowly we are willing to open up to another is impacted by our old as well as recent personal history. How safe and trusting our first ever attachments were when we were children and at our most vulnerable stage in life. More recently by whether we have experienced a painful betrayal of some kind. 

However no matter your history, healing and change is possible and you can learn to trust and open up again. You only can decide how, when and to whom to open up. You only can decide whether the rewards are worth the risks. 

The topic of daring to open up and show your true self to another often comes up in sessions with clients. Many find it difficult to show their vulnerability or be authentically themselves even with close friends and family members. They mask their fear, swallow their sadness and bottle their anger. I can relate as I too have experienced difficulties in the past with being authentic with others and myself.

The habit of suppressing parts of ourselves starts in childhood where we forgo authenticity in favour of attachment. This reminds me of a piece of theory from Transactional Analysis called Time Structuring, which I do share with my clients. It allows us to explore how intensely we spend time with others and ourselves. 

Time Structuring proposes that as humans we have a need to structure our time and relationships. We do that by moving through six modes: Withdrawal, Rituals, Pastimes, Activities, Psychological Games, and Intimacy. 

In Withdrawal we spend time isolated and out of contact with others and this may be physically, emotionally or both. We might be present physically but absent emotionally. We all need a degree of time to ourselves to get grounded and re-charged so some withdrawal time is necessary. Having a balance is important as too much withdrawal can lead to depression and anxiety. On the other hand a total absence of time to oneself can also negatively impact mental health, as connection to oneself is as important as connection to others. 

In Rituals we go through a familiar, safe and predictable pattern of interacting like shaking hands and saying “Hello, how are you?” Rituals provide comfort, a sense of belonging, and a way in into more intense conversations. They are culturally and trans-generationally based.

Pastimes is where we engage in polite and superficial conversations about safe topics such as the weather, food, jobs or hobbies. They happen typically at parties, social gatherings or in the waiting time before a formal group meeting. You certainly wouldn’t talk about personal stuff at this stage however Pastimes do form the basis for the selection of acquaintances, and are a tentative way of exploring greater closeness with others. 

Activities can sometimes be combined with Pastimes and are usually goal directed such as attending meetings or playing hockey. It is time spent doing things together be it at home or at work. It can be fun and possibly a way of avoiding intimate contact.

Psychological Games, in brief, are a series of interactions with others with a concealed motivation, and which end up with both parties experiencing familiar bad feelings. Here there is a social level interaction with an underlying and hidden psychological level interaction. 

Games are re-plays of childhood strategies that are no longer appropriate when grown up. Games can be seen as a failed attempt to be intimate with another person, as both parties do not take the full risk of being open and authentic with each other. The result is a repetitive pattern of interacting from set roles.

Intimacy is when we have an authentic encounter with another, a moment of shared openness, trust and honesty. In intimacy there are no hidden messages as the social and psychological level interactions are congruent. Intimacy means emotionally intimate, not necessarily sexually intimate. It also doesn’t necessarily mean nice and peaceful. An intimate interaction can involve an angry argument. The difference is that both parties are open and respectful and able to articulate their thoughts and feelings respectfully. Each person accepts his or her own responsibility for the outcome instead of blaming the other. In Intimacy we experience the highest level of emotional intensity as well as taking the greatest risks as we do face the possibility of being rejected or ridiculed. 

In a lot of our relationships it’s the moments of emotional intimacy that may be missing and which are so important to us all. Intimacy is an exchange of authentic wants and feelings and the offering of our authentic selves in relationships is a way to connection. All modes of time structuring can be viewed as a route into greater connection as we have observed during the COVID lockdowns when we were forced to withdraw and as a consequence we longed to connect through any and every aspect of time structuring.

So it is clear that as we move from one mode to another, the risks are higher and so are the rewards.

Again how much time we stay in each mode and how quickly we move from one mode to the next is related to our personal history. Working with a practitioner can help you unpack your personal history and become more self-aware of how you structure your time at home and at work, and how this is impacting your relationships. Perhaps with this awareness you might like to make some changes. This kind of self-awareness can lead you to have a healthy connection with self so you can access your inner resources and creativity, and in turn develop more intimate relationships with others. 

What Out-dated Story Are You Still Living By Today?

What out-dated story are you still living by today?

 Are you aware of it, and it’s impacts on your life? 

 Would you like to bring it to your awareness? 

 After all, you can’t change what you are not aware exists in the first place. 

 “It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”

- Patrick Rothfuss, American author.

 Those who know me might also know that I am mixed. My mum was from Ghana and my dad from Lebanon. I was the intersection between an African and an Arab, a Catholic and a Muslim. I was baptised as a baby then when a toddler was raised in a Muslim household.

 My parents divorced before I was two years old. The circumstances then meant that I was shuffled around between carers and homes until I arrived, in the sixties, at the doorsteps of my Lebanese grandmother in Tripoli, Lebanon. 

 Not many people looked like me in those days. I was one of two black pupils in the whole school. The result was being subjected to discrimination and racism during the most impressionable years of my life. My brown skin became a reason to dislike me, reject me, call me names, poke fun at me, ignore me, or treat me with total inconsideration.

 It is no wonder that the combination of the unsettled early years and having to face those biases led me to make the decision that I was not good enough, and that I needed to try hard to earn people’s love.  

 When you tell yourself a story long enough, you believe it and it impacts all your life choices. 

 That was the story that I lived by for most of my teen and young adult years and it did negatively impact my personal and professional life. I experienced a crisis in my thirties, had a breakdown, and got myself some much needed help in the form of coaching and counselling. That was the moment when things started to change. 

 It was only then, in those therapeutic sessions, that I started to bring aspects of this old, out-dated story into my awareness. I started challenging its truth, and questioned its validity. Only then life began to slowly change, and I started first to love myself and then allow the love of others to flow into my life. Only then I began to experience joy and fulfilment, which spread around me and engulfed everyone in my world. 

 “There is a surrendering to your story and then a knowing that you don’t have to stay in your story.”

- Colette Baron-Reid, Intuitive Counsellor

 I observe a similar, yet unique experience, in my clients. I see how many of them are also still living according to an old, out-dated story. I witness how they carry heavily within them the limiting decisions and beliefs that they formed decades ago. The story that brought some comfort years ago is now the cause of so much discomfort because it is thwarting their chances of a happy and successful life. 

 The out-dated story could be stopping you from going after that promotion, or acing that interview, from speaking up and sharing your ideas during work meetings, or starting a relationship. It could be the reason you focus on the needs of others and neglect your own. The reason you can’t say no and try hard to meet the demands of others. The reason you are afraid to show your emotions and your vulnerability. The reason you strive for perfection and fear making mistakes. 

 My clients and I work together so they can become fully aware of the old story. This allows them to re-examine those decisions, and choose when and how to let this old story go, make new choices and live according to a changed and more authentic story. 

 What about you? 

 Are you still holding on to an out-dated story? 

 Would you like to bring it to your awareness? 

 Let’s talk.

My Quest For Self-Esteem

Do you feel that you are not worthy of happiness?

 Do you feel the need to always prove yourself?

 Do you feel undeserving of love and destined to be hurt?

 Do you feel like you are an imposter?

 Do you feel the need to see others as inferior?

 Then you most probably are experiencing low self-esteem.

 Due to the circumstances surrounding my childhood I grew up with low self-esteem. 

 It was an obstacle that I fought to overcome throughout most of my teen and young adult life. It impacted all my decisions and choices in both my personal and professional life. 

 It was not surprising that when I became a mother, the one thing I intensely wished and hoped for, was for my children to have a healthy dose of self-esteem. I was willing to do everything in my power to give them that. I intuitively knew that it was something that will make them thrive instead of survive, like I had been doing most of my life. 

 Yet despite my intention and all my efforts I failed in this task as I observed signs of low self-esteem in my daughters during their early years. I was curious as to the reasons why. 

 I reflected and thought hard about this and read many books on the subject. It turns out that a lot of psychological problems are traceable, partly, to the problem of low self-esteem. One day I had a ‘eureka’ moment. In that moment I realised that I can’t teach something to another if I am not able to demonstrate it in myself. Children learn more from what we do than from what we say. To give my daughters the gift of higher self-esteem, I needed to gift it to me first. I needed to demonstrate this to them through my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I needed to be able to practice what I was preaching. 

 “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

- Mahatma Gandhi, Indian lawyer and anti-colonial nationalist.

 In my quest to learn, understand and raise my own self-esteem, I engaged in coaching, counselling and eventually trauma therapy. Seeing how positively this impacted my life, I followed up by studying the very psychological concepts that were personally transformational for me. 

 This kind of work naturally opened Pandora’s box. It was sometimes painful and challenging work, yet also very freeing and rewarding work. 

 In the midst of all this work something magical happened. 

 I observed that as my own self-esteem rose so did my children’s. I was paying it forward for generations to come because I was investing in my own personal development and my own mental and emotional well-being. I did not know then that this experience would later on lead me to my purpose and the work I am doing today. 

“Hope can be a powerful force. Maybe there’s no actual magic in it, but when you know what you hope for most and hold it like a light within you, you can make things happen, almost like magic.”

- Laini Taylor, American author.

 The above experience taught me that to raise an emotionally and mentally healthy next generation, something that was extremely important to me, I needed to start with myself, to work on my own emotional and mental well-being first. This way I ensure that I no longer unknowingly pass on to my children unhealthy beliefs and prejudices, unrealistic fantasies, and in general unhealthy patterns of thinking feeling and behaving. Instead I gain the ability to give my children the space to think for themselves, and give themselves the permission to be who they want to be, and do what they want to do in life. 

 I am grateful for having a curious mind that led me so many years ago to that ‘eureka’ moment of clarity. 

 I am grateful for having the courage to ask for help. 

 I am grateful for having the belief that things can change, and for realising that I have within me what it takes to make that change. 

 So to anyone out there who thinks that asking for help is a sign of weakness, I say to you that in fact it is a sign of strength.

 And to anyone who has doubts about investing in their personal growth and development, and in their mental and emotional well-being, I say stop hesitating and start engaging. It is the best gift you can give to yourself.

 You are worth it!

 If you are struggling with issues of self-esteem then do please get in touch. 

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Should I stay or should I go?

Have you ever been in a situation where you repeatedly asked yourself the above question? 

I have, in both my personal and professional life. 

I have also worked with some clients who found themselves at some point facing such a dilemma. 

Although being in this in-between stuck situation feels uncomfortable, the experience, with the guidance of a professional, might present opportunities for growth and self-discovery. It can offer a space for personal development.

As a coach and counsellor I of course do not have the answer to my clients’ question. It is not my place to tell them whether they should stay or indeed go. My role is to work with them and explore together, from the here and now, the best way forward for them. 

We explore together what aspects of their personal history are impacting the present situation. Together we decontaminate the present moment from past out-dated beliefs, prejudices and fantasies so the client can gain clarity and expand their capacities for an appropriate response in the here and now. 

 I do that by applying a model called the Ego State model from transactional analysis. This model proposes that we have three distinct parts to our personality: Parent, Adult and Child. Each of these parts has its own set of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that interact differently with the world. 

When we are in Parent ego state we interact with the world like a Parent figure from our childhood. We embody their beliefs and prejudices about the world and way of thinking, feeling and behaving. 

 When we are in Child ego state we interact with the world the way we did as children, emotional, spontaneous, creative and uninhibited. 

 When we are in Adult we interact with the world from the here and now moment using all the information and data available to us in the moment. 

 We reach a dilemma because we are trying to negotiate between Child needs and Parent demands. 

 Together with my client I explore the following:

 What are the past childhood needs that the client is trying to meet today?

 What past parental beliefs and prejudices are still forming an obstacle today?

 And in their quest to meet those needs and uphold those beliefs and prejudices are they losing their authenticity? 

 Being in a space and time when we are asking the question “Should I stay or should I go?” means that we are in a space between stories. The old past story and a possible new story. 

 The above curious exploration allows for discovery that in turn leads to recovery. The aim is to strengthen the client’s Adult so they can think for themselves and give themselves the permission to hold on or let go of what no longer feels harmonious to their authentic being. 

 This added clarity allows the client to take the right actions in the moment from their Adult ego state. 

 So if you find yourself like me, once upon a time, or like some of my clients, facing the kind of dilemmas where you are asking yourself the question above, then working with a coach or counsellor can help you arrive at making the appropriate decision. An outcome that is reached with awareness and is devoid of unwanted influences from your past. 

 Is this something you need support with? 

 Get in touch. 

Do You Unknowingly Carry Unconscious Bias?

At the junior school that I attended in Lebanon there was a small kiosk where students could order something to eat during lunch break. Students could make their orders through a small window and were served by two ladies. There was no such thing as a queue system. The only way to purchase something during the break was to push your way through dozens of other students doing the same until you reached the front and then got the attention of one of the ladies and asked for what you needed, paid, got your change and then fought your way out again.  

 On one such occasion I fought my way in, bought myself a sandwich then fought my way back out, only to find out that the lady who served me gave me the wrong change. She gave me back too much money. I had more on me than when I started. 

 “Oh no!” I thought to myself, because I knew that annoyingly I was going to have to fight my way back in again to return the extra cash that did not belong to me. Those were the values that my grandma brought me up with. She taught me to never steal or keep something that does not belong to me. 

 So I went back, before I even ate my sandwich, fought my way back to the front of the window then tried to shout louder than the other kids to get the attention of the lady who served me. When I got her attention I handed her the money back and told her that she gave me too much by mistake. She was shocked! She literally stood there with her mouth open in disbelief. Not at making a mistake but at the fact that I, the black girl who has been experiencing racism and discrimination at school and, no good were ever expected of her, voluntarily returned what was not hers to keep. The lady finally thanked me quietly once she recovered.

 Since that time and on every single occasion I fought my way to buy something from the kiosk, that lady would attend to my needs as soon as she saw my face emerge through the crowd of students, which was easy to spot as I was one of two black kids in the whole school. She would make a point of ignoring everyone’s screaming orders and look at me and ask me what I needed. It was her way of showing me appreciation for my action. 

"Systems do not maintain themselves; even our lack of intervention is an act of maintenance. Every structure in every society is upheld by the active and passive assistance of other human beings.”

- Sonya Renee Taylor, author and activist

 At the time I was struck by how my genuine behaviour caused a shift in this lady’s preconceived notion of black people. However now and with everything I have learnt over time about human behaviour and societal issues I realise what an unfair burden was put on that child that was me, to have felt that I needed to prove my worthiness as a black person by being a good little girl; that as a black person it is too risky for me to make mistakes. A similar message, that many black people experience in the US, UK and elsewhere. A message that was reinforced when I worked in the UK and was told by a well meaning line manager that as a black person I needed to work twice as hard as a white person to get the same recognition. 

 I hope this story makes you stop and think. Perhaps reflect on whether you unknowingly carry any unconscious biases and decide to confront those biases and change. One way to explore this is through working with a coach, counsellor or therapist.

Never Give Up!

NEVER GIVE UP!

 How often have you been told to never give up growing up? 

 How often do you repeat the same message to your children or other people in your community?

 We are so programmed to never give up that we persist and struggle in situations that are detrimental to our physical and mental well-being because we are made to feel like failures if we give up. 

 “Giving up is always an option, but not always a failure.”

- Cameron Conaway, Author

Many end up feeling anxious, depressed and in some extreme situations even contemplating suicide. 

 It’s great to be encouraged to never give up on your dreams, on your relationship, on the job/career. But what if you realise that the dream you have been fighting for was never yours in the first place, that the relationship is toxic and abusive, that the job and work place are leading you towards burnout?

 We are taught that to

Never give up = Resilience

 How true is that? 

 If I think back on my life, and when I reflect on the life stories that some of my clients share, I observe how much distress and unhappiness this seemingly positive message causes. I ended up persisting in situations where giving up would have been the healthier approach. Clients share similar insights. 

“Sometimes it’s better to end something and try to start something new than imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible.”

- Karen Slmansohn, Author

Certainly challenging ourselves, and learning to overcome those challenges does contribute positively to our resilience. However giving up, quitting or letting go is not always negative. Sometimes, and especially if you find yourself in a toxic and manipulative personal or professional environment that is not contributing to your growth and development, giving up and getting out is a sign of emotional health. As the saying goes, not everything is worth fighting for and we need to be selective about choosing our battles. Taking the right action whether it may be giving up, quitting or letting go, to safeguard our mental and emotional well-being, is a sign of resilience. It means that we are brave and mature enough to make a choice about the kind of situation or world we are choosing to live (or work) in.

 Deciding to give up, quit or let go is a sign that you are gaining self-awareness about what you want to retain and what you no longer want in your life. It is what emotionally healthy people do. 

 “It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”

- Paulo Coelho, Novelist

What are your thoughts? Please share in the comments. 

To Let Go Of The Past, You Need To Stop Avoiding It.

I remember a particular period in my early thirties when I became a mother often revisiting and talking about unhappy aspects of my childhood. 

On one occasion someone close to me said this:

“Why are you talking about the past? It’s done. Just move on.”

Sounds logical, right? 

I hear that statement often from many people in both my personal and professional circles. They believe the same. “Why dredge up the past?” They say, “It’s done and dusted.”

Yet I consistently observe in those very people how their avoidance from learning about the past continues to determine their actions in the present. 

It is true that the past is done. However simply closing the door on the unintegrated and unresolved past does not mean that it stops impacting your present. Not to mention the loss of access to valuable resources that the past often offers. As long as the past is left unresolved, it will continue to impact your present because the impact is unconscious. You are living in the past without realising it and are continuing to react to past events as if they were in the present.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

- C.G. Jung, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst.

The past reappears every time:

• You go into an inexplicable rage and direct it at someone in the present who ultimately is not responsible for the wrongs you have experienced in your past.

• You are terrified from things that terrify no one else because your body is responding to danger messages carried from your past.

• You sob uncontrollably for no valid reason because you are grieving for losses you had no opportunity to grieve for in your past.

• You laugh in situations that are actually distressing because it is easier to discount their significance instead of acknowledging the pain they carry for you from your past. 

Basically anytime when you find that your emotions and actions don’t fit the current situation. In that moment you have unconsciously time travelled to the past.

Moving on, as logical as it sounds, is not that simple. To move on you need to first look back and make peace with the past. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to do so. 

I invite you to do the same. Take a fresh look at your past, integrate and resolve it, so you can finally stop it from charging or contaminating your present, and affecting your current actions and experiences. This is how you can let it go once and for all. The result is less time travel and more grounding in the present. 

 “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift…that’s why they call it present.”   

- Kung Fu Panda, animated movie.

By becoming aware of the past and gaining the ability to live with it, you transform yourself from an unaware victim of the past into an empowered individual in the present. 

You don’t have to do this alone. You can get the support of a professional if need be, so you can begin to enjoy fully the gift of the present.

Are you ready to let your authentic self back in?

I grew up in an environment that conveyed the message to me that born as I was, I am not good enough. 

 As a result I worked hard to be, and do, what was expected of me in order to become good enough and accepted. Through that I was not being authentic. According to Gabor Maté, when we are faced with a choice between authenticity and attachment we will always choose attachment.

“We stray from being authentic to seeking acceptance. We let go of authenticity in order to stay connected.”

- Gabor Maté, Canadian physician & author

 In time this lack of authenticity became exhausting and I no longer recognised who I was. I crashed. 

 I got some help in the form of coaching, counselling and trauma therapy. It was transformational and motivated me to study and qualify in the very psychological concepts that supported my change. The crash indirectly brought an ending to this inauthentic life and from the ashes emerged the authentic me. What looked like a negative experience lead to a positive outcome as I found my courage to re-connect with and bring to the world the real me. 

 Do you find yourself doing one or more of the following:

•  Trying hard to fit with others’ expectations of you?

•  Focusing on others’ needs and neglecting your own?

•  Hiding your true emotions under a mask that permanently says, “I am fine”?

•  Putting in enormous efforts to be the perfect person in every role you occupy in life? 

•  Hurrying up through life to reach an end that always seems to elude you? 

 If you are, then like me once upon a time, you have lost touch with your authentic self. 

 Are you ready to open the gate and let your authentic self back in?

 Let’s talk

Life Lessons From My Grandmother

When I was in primary school in Lebanon, an incident at school taught me some important life lessons.

 During a writing assignment that we were instructed to carry out by our teacher, a classmate sitting next to me whispered something funny which got us both giggling.  At that very moment the teacher looked up and witnessed our playful interaction. She singled me out and instructed me to come to the front of the class. Then she picked up a piece of chalk from the writing board and asked me, as punishment, to put it in my mouth. I looked at her incredulously and refused. 

She became frustrated when despite her insistence I repeatedly refused to put the piece of chalk in my mouth. She then tried to force the piece of chalk into my mouth. I clenched my teeth and in the process the chalk slid across my clenched teeth and bruised my gum. I took the piece of chalk and flung it defiantly on the floor. At that moment the school bell rang signalling the end of the school day, so I collected my things and took the school bus home. 

 “We have absolutely no control over what happens to us in life but what we have paramount control over is how we respond to those events.”

- Viktor Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist

 When I arrived home I told my Teita (Arabic for grandma) what happened at school. Teita was furious, not with me but with the teacher. She headed straight to the phone and called the deputy head and made a formal complaint. The deputy head was very apologetic and assured my grandma that she would look into the matter. 

 When I went to school the following day, the class teacher called me to the front of the class again, however this time, with a stony expression on her face, she apologised for what she had done the previous day. I nodded my head in acceptance and went back to my seat.

 At the time I wasn’t able to make sense of my teacher’s behaviour. I felt hurt and confused by it. Various questions were going around in my mind. Why did she act so weird? How come she singled me out for punishment and not my classmate? Was she being discriminating? (I was the only black kid in class and one of two in the whole school), a concept I was too young to comprehend then. 

 As usual I took my pain and confusion to my Teita who always made me feel better. Teita helped me learn a few important life lessons from this event:

•  Someone’s behaviour says a lot about him or her and nothing about me. 

•  To hold compassion: Even at that young age I was forgiving and remember feeling sorry for the teacher who I imagined was clearly going through some difficulties and made a big mistake. My Teita helped me separate the person from the behaviour. The teacher was a good person but her behaviour was bad. 

•  To call it out: I am glad I told my Teita about the incident as in my childlike mind I could have easily assumed that I was in the wrong for being playful in the middle of a task. By taking appropriate action, Teita demonstrated to me that bad behaviour is not to be tolerated. We need to call it out and take action.

•  Lastly and most importantly, I have people on my team. No matter what I faced in life I had people like my Teita who reminded me that I am loved cared for and supported. 

 Teita’s wisdom helped me learn that the way we respond to what happened, and the meaning we make of what happened, leaves a bigger impact on our lives than what actually happened.

What is your relationship with endings?

Endings are part of the many transitions we go through in life. Whether it’s a redundancy, a retirement, a job change, relocation, a marriage, a divorce, a war, political unrest, a birth or the death of a loved one. All of those experiences signal endings. 

I am writing this blog while on a visit with my daughter, with the knowledge that our special quality time together will shortly come to an end when I fly back home. 

Endings are sometimes big or small. No matter the size or significance, we rarely stop to explore our relationship with endings, or take a moment to pause and reflect on whether we want to change that relationship we have with endings. 

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”

-Paulo Coelho, a Brazilian lyricist & novelist.

On reflection I realised that my relationship with endings has changed over time. At first I was reacting from my past childhood family situation and the many abrupt endings that I have experienced growing up. I recollect that during that distant past the importance of endings was minimised. There was no time or space made available to reflect, process or learn. It was about survival and moving forward.

In contrast, nowadays I take my time with endings and recognise their importance. I sit with the pain and discomfort that sometimes comes with certain endings. I allow myself to grieve the loss so I can make space for what is to come, to say goodbye to the old so I can have the capacity to welcome and be present with the new. Embracing endings helps me saviour the present moment. 

How we end can impact how we begin. So spending sometime reflecting on how we cope with endings and becoming aware of the mind-set we carry in relation to endings can be helpful. Do you perhaps rush through endings, or linger on or avoid them altogether? Is that behaviour around endings something you recognise as a pattern from the environment in which you grew up? Is it an attitude that has been passed on from the previous generation? Most importantly do you want to continue to embrace this way of coping with endings or do you desire a change?

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”

-Ellen Goodman, an American journalist & syndicated columnist.

Are you struggling to come to terms with an ending? I invite you to give yourself the time and space to sit with the feelings that are coming up for you in relation to this ending. Give your emotions room to be expressed. While doing so ask yourself, “What is the story I am holding in my head about this ending? Is this story helpful? Can I possibly write a different and more helpful story that will allow me to move on?”

For additional support you can schedule a time to explore your situation with a coach or counsellor. 

Alternatively you can attend a workshop, such as the one I attended recently, which inspired this blog, given by Adrian Hall and Rebecca Gane entitled Rewriting Endings. Connect with them via LinkedIn to learn more.  

DECISIONS, FEAR & RAIN

We often make decisions based on an emotion.

Fear is an emotion that most often drives our decision making process. Fear signals danger and directs our mind to take an action that can hopefully get us back into safety.

However when intense fear is repeatedly experienced in the absence of real danger, then it is no longer serving to secure our survival. In these circumstances fear serves to make us feel trapped and ends up holding us back from living to our full potential.

Our emotion of fear is shaped by our personal history and can get contaminated by memories of past events. That’s why some of us fear things that for others hold no danger.

My personal history meant that I have experienced the rise and fall of fear most of my life. I often said no because I feared saying yes, and I said yes because I feared saying no. In time I have learnt to explore and befriend my fears so I can stop expending energy defending my life instead of living it; most importantly so I can make decisions from a calm instead of a reactive place. It seems that I am not alone as many of my clients have their own stories around fear and how it impacts their decision making.

So what can you do when fear, in the absence of real danger, seems to often hold you hostage and negatively impact your decision process?

“Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.”

- Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati, spiritual teacher

I personally find Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation practice extremely helpful. RAIN is an acronym for: Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture.

Recognise what is happening right in that moment and name it. What are you feeling exactly?

Allow those feelings and let them be without judgment. Don’t try to ignore them, criticise or get rid of them. On the contrary, let them be.

Investigate with a sense of curiosity and interest the sensory experience in your body. Where exactly in your body is this feeling? How is it being expressed inside of you? Ask yourself, “What am I believing is happening?” Sense if there is a core belief there. Do you perhaps feel unlovable or unworthy? How does this feel somatically in your body? Place your hand gently on whatever part of your body where you are feeling those difficult emotions. Ask yourself, “What does this vulnerable part of me need?”. Is it forgiveness, compassion, understanding, love or trust?

Nurture by intentionally offering whatever kindness is needed and is most going to serve you in that moment. Is it love, acceptance, understanding or belief in you? It can be something that you offer to yourself, or you can also imagine someone else offering it to you like a grandparent or a dear friend. Sense their presence and loving care. Communicate and offer what is being asked. Send a message that is simply helpful such as “thank you for trying to protect me but I am okay now” or “you are loved and safe now.”

Now take a moment and reflect on the situation. Notice what has shifted. What decision is now coming naturally to you? What have you learnt or discovered as a result of this practice?

It’s a simple mindful and self-compassionate practice yet very profound. As Tara says, the gift from practicing RAIN is that you start living from the truth of who you are rather than from your reactive self.

For more information you can check Tara Brach’s website: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/

Or read her book Radical Acceptance.

Embrace Your Fear. Don't Freeze It!

I believe fear must have been the first emotion that I have learnt to master. Growing up I feared many things. The first ever fear that I consciously remember experiencing was fear of taking the lift. I was stuck in a lift once as a child and found the experience extremely frightening and distressing. I refused to go into a lift after that and always took the stairs no matter how high I needed to go. It kept me fit but I hated the feeling of being afraid. At some point in my early teens I started to challenge myself and go in the lift for a short distance, a kind of exposure self-therapy and in time I managed to overcome it.

 The next fear on my list was fear of the deep. I was afraid of swimming at the deep end of a swimming pool or in the deep end in the sea. An incident when I was a teenager of jumping into the deep end of a pool by mistake and nearly drowning did not help matters. Movies about sharks that were popular in the eighties fuelled my imagination and only served to make this fear grow. My fear of the deep comes and goes depending on my level of exposure.

 Next was my fear of flying which is now a thing of the past. Neuro-Linguistic Programming concepts really helped me to overcome this particular fear because I became aware of the pictures and movies I was creating in my head that were contributing to my fear. Once I played around with those images my fear diminished considerably. Also reading and gathering knowledge about aviation risks helped me also realise the absurdity of that particular fear. 

 However my biggest fear to date I would say was or is fear of public speaking. So how have I learnt to manage this fear and speak in public? 

 Fear, like sadness, anger and joy is an important emotion. It signals danger and propels us to take action towards safety. However in some cases it can be experienced out of context and out of proportion to the situation. That is when it is important to delve into it and start exploring it. 

“Most of us experience fear as a kind of stop sign or flashing red light that warns: “Danger! Do not enter!” But we may need to decide that signal and consider what it’s trying to convey. What is the actual nature of the danger? Is it past or present, real or imagined? Are we feeling anxious because we are boldly charting new territory, or because we’re about to do something stupid?”

     - Harriet Learner, Ph.D., The Dance Of Fear

 

Fear is a misunderstood emotion. Experiencing fear is unpleasant and so we rush to block it, suppress it, ignore it or avoid the situations that cause it to arise in us. In the right context it is important to take measures for safety, however when it is out of context then we need to pay more attention to fear instead of blocking or ignoring it. That is because fear carries important messages about our past experiences and clues to understanding our behaviours in the present.

 Dr Pippa Grange writes that there are two types of fear: the one that is appropriate in the right context of a crisis which she calls in-the-moment fear, and the other type of fear that is out of sync with the situation and rules our lives, affects our choices and leaves us unfulfilled. She refers to this type as the not-good-enough fear. She echoes what Harriet Lerner wrote and adds that the not-good-enough fear is mixed up with what happened in the past and what might happen in the future.  Something that was true with my fear of public speaking. 

 I realised I had a fear of public speaking in my early twenties when I started university in the UK. Not only did I discover that I was terrified to stand in front of an audience and speak, I was also ashamed about having such a fear and so did not want anyone to know about it. This added to my stress as it meant that in addition to fear of public speaking, I was afraid of being exposed as having fear of public speaking. I believed that I would be laughed at and ridiculed if others found out. It meant that every time I needed to stand up and speak before an audience I was using lots of energy to block and also disguise my fear. I can tell you that it was exhausting and left me drained and unable to enjoy the experience. 

 My way of managing this fear at first was to avoid speaking in public. However there were times when I couldn’t avoid it as my grades depended on it. In those situations I suffered tremendously before, during and after the event. 

 Yet at the same time I wanted to share important thoughts and ideas with people. I felt often that I had meaningful things to talk about that can make a positive difference in people’s lives and perhaps offer them clarity or alleviate their pain. This drove me to explore more deeply my fear by first allowing myself to be exposed to it, which meant doing the very thing I feared doing, stand in front of an audience and speak through joining clubs like Toastmasters of The Hague.

 More recently during my Transactional Analysis studies I explored further my fear using the tools and concepts the course offered and also during therapy and supervision. The most transforming thing that I learnt on this emotional journey was to withstand the discomfort that engulfed my being when I experienced the fear. To sit with the fear for a bit and listen to what was happening in my body and to the possible messages and information that this fear was trying to convey. 

 I discovered that my fear was associated with childhood traumas. The fear of public speaking was a disguise to a bigger fear. Fear of being abandoned, unloved and rejected. Fear of being shamed and humiliated. Although my mind could not pinpoint specific events, my body somehow remembered and kept the score. So whenever I was in a situation that put me at the centre of attention, like speaking in public, my body reacted and signalled to me that I was in danger. Gaining that self-awareness was extremely helpful in managing my fear. I realised that my fear was a thing from the past and did not belong to the present moment. I felt gratitude and compassion towards my body and it’s attempts to protect me from what it perceived as dangerous due to past traumatic experiences. I realised that the present is different and that I am no longer facing that danger. Furthermore it is okay to be afraid sometimes. There is no shame in that and no need to hide this fact. In fact in the first speech I gave at Toastmasters I started my talk by acknowledging my fear and anxiety. This resonated with many people who later came and shared their own fears with me. These insights were also helpful in my work as a coach and counsellor as many of my clients also struggle with fears and anxieties. 

 Have I stopped being afraid of public speaking? No. However nowadays it no longer silences my authentic voice. It no longer stops me from acting with compassion and courage. By embracing my fear I was able to manage it better.

 Dr Pippa Grange, a sports psychologist, writes in her book, Fear Less, that facing our fears is a kind of growing up and is about shedding our parents’, generational and social fears. She adds that facing our fears will free us to explore our true ambitions and allow us to look at the world with a new perspective. 

“The best thing we can do with fear is to befriend it. That is, we can learn to expect, allow, and accept fear, observe it, watch it rise and fall, attend to how it feels in the body, watch it mindfully, and understand that fear will always reappear. Fear is a physiological process that cavorts and careens through our bodies and makes us miserable. Eventually it subsides — only, of course to return. The real culprits are our knee-jerk responses to fear, and the ways we try to avoid fear, anxiety, and shame.”

- Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance Of Fear

I invite you to also embrace your fear rather than freeze it. Learn to sit with the discomfort for a bit and find out what you can learn. Perhaps you might find that befriending your fear yields better results than avoiding it.

Do you want to feel better? Then move your body.

We often hear the phrase “mind over body” but not much the phrase “body over mind”. The body’s impact on the mind is what Caroline Williams, author of Move, wrote about in her book, and in an article she has written for New Scientist in May 2021 entitled Mind-altering moves. 

 I discovered a lot about how our body can affect our mind years ago during my NLP training and later on I learnt more about our body’s connection to our mental well being during my TA training. 

 Caroline confirms that neuroscience research shows that the way we move our body can change the way we think and feel and lists six ways through which we can achieve this:

 ✔ Walking/ Running

 Moving and thinking are intertwined and walking or running at a pace that feels easy for you allows the mind to wander and thus allow for broader and more creative ideas to flow. I certainly experience this every time I do some exercise. Caroline suggests that a walk is the best thing to do before an ideas meeting. These activities, when done at the right pace, have a big impact on blood flow to the brain, which increases memory and spatial awareness. 

 ✔ Strength Training

 Studies have shown that today’s sedentary life style is causing a decrease in our muscle strength. This is not only relevant to our physical health but also our mental health because strength training appears to increase grey matter in the brain and improve memory. The reason is linked to the release of a hormone called osteocalcin from bones during weight bearing exercise that has been linked to age related cognitive ability. Feeling strong, says Caroline, also positively affects our self-esteem and mental resilience possibly because “our sense of what we can achieve in the world is built on the foundation of our bodily sensations”.

 ✔ Dancing

 Bopping to music makes us feel good. It is also a natural human trait. You only have to watch what a baby does when you play music. I certainly saw this when my girls were babies. Apparently this feel good factor is “because our brains work as prediction machines that constantly make guesses about what is likely to happen next”. Therefore a regular beat is easy to predict and so provides a pleasurable sensation due to a dopamine hit every time we get it right. When this occurs repetitively, it can lead us to feel  “powerful and in control” according to music psychologist Edith Van Dyck. So we can access this kind of powerful pleasure alone, or experience bonding if we choose to do it with others. 

 ✔‍ Breathing 

 An ability to control the muscles of your chest and diaphragm, to regulate and synchronise your breath, has been shown to make a big difference to the way you think and feel, lead to deep relaxation (a state of “ being” rather than “ thinking”) and even achieve an altered state of consciousness. Wim Hoff’s method to cope with stress is heavily based on learning to control our breath. I enjoy cold showers much more when I control my breathing. 

 ✔ Posture

 Standing or sitting up straight has been associated with a positive mental attitude. New research links this to neural pathways between the brain and adrenal glands, which are responsible for the adrenaline rush caused by stress. This neural pathway also has a connection with the muscles of the core that stabilise the torso and support posture. This can explain the stress- relieving factor of exercises like Pilates, yoga and Tai chi. Therefore the more upright your posture the more confident you will feel and the less stress you will experience. This certainly helps when it comes to public speaking. 

 ✔ Stretching

 Apart from feeling good and loosening tight muscles, it seems stretching has the additional benefits of reducing inflammation and boosting our immune system through releasing adenosine triphosphate, a molecule that manages levels of inflammation, inflammation being the immune system’s response that increases in times of stress, injury or infection. Stretching also seems to stimulate drainage of toxins through the lymphatic system. This helps the mind because the less inflammation you have in your body, the less depression, chronic pain and fatigue you experience.

 Michelle Obama and Beyoncé joined forces in 2011 in a campaign to get the Nation to “move their body” to tackle obesity. What they might not have known are the benefits they also imparted to mental health. 

 Do you want to feel better? Then move your body.

“Don’t just stand there on the wall

Everybody just move your body”

- Beyoncé

The Secret To Happy Relationships

I have been preoccupied the past couple of weeks with the wedding of my daughter, who got married on the 4th of June. I took a break from all other activities in order to be fully present with her, close family members and friends, on this special occasion. We had a beautiful and joyful day. Luckily I had been practicing my ‘one leg’ dance (check previous posts) as we ended up performing it later that evening 😃. 

 In the run up to the wedding day my daughter asked me this question:

“What is the secret to a happy relationship?”

 My answer without any hesitation was:

 “The secret to a happy relationship with another, is to have a happy and healthy relationship with yourself first.”

 I truly believe in the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with others. I also believe that this applies not only to romantic relationships but all other relationships too. This is what my life experience has revealed to me and what I later learnt when I studied human behaviour and personality. 

 When you have a healthy relationship with yourself:

 ✔ You take responsibility for your own behaviours instead of carrying the blame for everyone else’s. 

 ✔ You do not entertain the fantasy that you can fix everything and everyone, and recognise that you can only manage and bring about change in yourself. This in turn will most probably lead to changes in your environment.

 ✔ You will not always neglect yourself and put others’ needs above your own, and then feel resentful because they do not follow suit. Instead you will recognise that to give to others you need to give to yourself first. 

 ✔ You will not say yes when you actually want to say no, then feel overwhelmed and have a sense of failure because ultimately you are unable to meet all those demands you have put on yourself. 

 ✔ You will not feel constantly anxious, agitated and on shaky ground, due to self-doubt, and instead feel secure, confident and grounded with your sense of self-worth.

 ✔ You will speak to and treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you show others. 

 ✔ Having a healthy relationship with yourself means that when you disagree with another you manage the situation with the ability to still show love, kindness and respect.

 ✔ When you have a healthy relationship with yourself you will know that you are good enough. 

 From this vantage point every other relationship you form, will be healthier and happier, and if it is not, then you will spot the signs early on, and have the awareness and self-worth to intervene early on, and take steps to exit a toxic relationship or set boundaries that protect you from harm. 

 “every time I meet more of myself 

i can know and love more of you”

- Yung Pueblo, poet and philosopher

 What do you think is the secret to healthy and happy relationships? Please share your insights in the comments.