It Is Time To Get Comfortable Discussing The Uncomfortable

I am mixed race. My mother was Ghanaian and racialised as black, whereas my father was Lebanese and racialised as white. Growing up I struggled with my sense of belonging and identity, as I was too black for the Lebanese and too culturally different for the Ghanaians. Yet those who know me probably hardly hear me discuss racism. The truth is that racism was not a topic that I was able to discuss comfortably or lightly before May 25th 2020 when news of George Floyd’s death spread around the globe. The reason being that growing up I was conditioned to avoid talking about race and racism, because it made people around me feel uncomfortable. I avoided the topic because I worried it would make my good intentioned white family members, my well meaning white friends and work colleagues, feel hurt. Instead I swallowed my own hurt. 

“You are growing into consciousness, and my wish for you is that you feel no need to constrict yourself to make other people comfortable.”
― Ta-Nehisi Coates, Author & Journalist.

 I remember being told the story that my dad’s relationship with my mother was kept secret from my paternal grandfather who was ill at the time – everyone feared that such terrible news about his son dating a black woman might finish him off. My birth was kept secret from my grandfather and he died not knowing of my existence. I don’t need to elaborate on the subliminal messages this sent about my identity and right to exist.

 Growing up, those closest to me told me lovingly that I should stay away from the sun, lest I get darker. An older member of my extended family once told me endearingly that I am such a lovely girl, pity that I was born black. How can I possibly convey the alienation I felt when my hair often seemed the subject of conversation and curiosity, so much so that people gave themselves permission to reach out and touch it without asking if it’s okay for me that they do so? My natural hair was deemed unruly and messy so that to fit in I succumbed to using chemicals to straighten it. I did that in the hope, in vain, that at least with straightened hair I, somehow, could, blend in, and feel a sense of belonging, however small, to the community that I was circumstantially thrust into. 

“Hating people because of their colour is wrong. And it doesn't matter which colour does the hating. It's just plain wrong.”
― Muhammad Ali, Professional boxer & Activist.

 Yes, I learnt very early on in life to avoid talking about racism, because it made people feel uncomfortable – especially those I love and am loved by. People who actually meant well by their words and behaviours, without being aware of how much unconscious bias they held or that their words and actions were racist and were chipping away at my identity. However, now I realise that we can’t change things without talking about them and bringing them into people’s awareness.

 When I was 14 years old we fled from Lebanon to Ghana as a result of the civil war. My dad was living and working in Ghana at the time. I remember vividly how struck I was by seeing the sea of black faces as I arrived at Kotoka airport in Accra. In a flash I was no longer the minority, “There are so many people who look like me”, I thought to myself. My time in Ghana left another impression on me through my visit to Elmina Castle, at a former slave trading port originally built by the Portuguese. It was there that I heard for the first time, the story and history of the slave trade that took place in that castle many years ago. We were taken around the castle, room after room, while our tour guide narrated the atrocities committed by the Portuguese and Dutch during the slave trade that went on for years until, it was abolished in 1814. My teenage ears heard how thousands were shackled and crammed into poorly ventilated dungeons without water and sanitation. The men were separated from the women who were regularly raped by their captors. I remember feeling sickened hearing about the plight of the slaves. As we exited I was struck by the words written on a memorial plaque:

“In everlasting memory of the anguish of our ancestors. May those who died rest in peace. May those who return find their roots. May humanity never again perpetrate such injustice against humanity. We the living vow to uphold this.”

 Despite the intense discomfort hearing this history brought inside of me I was struck by the importance of knowing it. So much so that years later I came back, this time with my daughters, so they too could learn and become aware of this part of their history. The advantage of knowing the past is to provide lessons in order to ensure that mistakes are not repeated. Yet here we are in 2020, we the “living” are still “perpetrating injustice against humanity!“ We have not upheld our vow! 

“The ultimate measure of a person is not where one stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where one stands in times of challenge and controversy.” – Martin Luther King, Jr., Minister & Activist.

 I remember standing in front of that plaque for a very long time feeling every emotion under the sun. So many questions raced through my mind. How can humans hurt other humans simply based on their colour, race, religion, gender identity, or sexuality?

 My time in Ghana taught me two valuable things: 

·      Humans look different, however that difference need not be treated as bad or negative.

·      It’s important to know our history and to learn from the past, as without this awareness we have no hope of creating a brighter future.

 I was lucky to have a loving paternal grandmother who was wise beyond her time and who planted in me the idea that others do not define who you are and when placed in a situation that you might be helpless to change, as I was as a child, then you can change how you respond to it. In the UK, I was told by many that as a black person I would need to study and work twice as hard to achieve the same level of success as a white person. In the Netherlands when once I expressed reluctance at biking in the rain, a co-worker found it perfectly appropriate to make a joke by assuring me that my brown skin colour would not wash away in the rain. In Oman, where I lived for several years, I observed that many domestic workers who came from India, Sri-Lanka and the Philippines were hugely discriminated against. My curiosity to understand human behaviour lead me to learn more and more about people’s fear of what they deem different whether it is physical, sexual, religious or cultural. My story originates in the sixties and seventies yet even today I hear similar stories of rejection and hurt narrated by some of my clients and acquaintances. My own children shared and continue to share stories and incidents of racism and discrimination that they have experienced and witnessed throughout their lives. This problem is still with us now. 

“No matter how big a nation is, it is no stronger than its weakest people, and as long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you might otherwise.” – Marian Anderson, Author & Contralto

 It has become apparent to me more recently, how uncomfortable some people feel talking about racism, now that I am finally daring to try. A well-meaning person recently stopped me mid sentence to share what someone in her community had said about racism …  “Why do we need to talk about this when we are one human race?”  Was this noble sentiment reflected in the way the policeman knelt for almost 9 minutes on George Floyd’s neck? Such statements deny the existence of the problem and shut down important conversations that need to be conducted in order to find solutions and achieve change. 

“If you have come to help me you are wasting your time. But if you recognise that your liberation and mine are bound up together, we can walk together.” – Lila Watson, Visual artist & Activist.

For change to happen we must start getting comfortable discussing the uncomfortable. By not doing so we are denying that racism exists. According to Afua Hirsch denial will not solve the problem of racism but will lead to two further problems. The first problem is that it gives the impression that seeing race is something bad. And secondly by not seeing race we shut down the analysis of the issue. Just because we choose not to see race, not to see discrimination, not to see bias, not to see inequality, does not mean that the problem disappears. On the contrary, the lack of acknowledgment and validation makes the situation much worse, because it means we are denying people who do experience racism their own identity. I highly recommend that you read her book Brit(ish) to gain a deeper understanding of this.

 I am inviting you all, myself included, to become comfortable to talk about race and racism, to talk about discrimination and inequality in general. These conversations will bring to our awareness the unconscious biases that we all hold. We all know that awareness precedes change. Only through this awareness can we bring about positive change in the world.