𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦?

𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦? 

This month marks 5 years since my divorce was finalised.

As a counsellor, I have supported international clients who were going through divorce. The added difficulty here was that they were going through this difficult process away from their home country & the support of their extended family. In some cases their whole existence here in the Netherlands was tied to their spouse’s career, which added to their vulnerability. 

Divorce, although painful, can lead to enormous personal growth. It can initiate a healing journey during which you can reconnect with yourself, become unlocked and find your voice. 

These are some of the things that have come up in my sessions with clients: 

𝘋𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩. 𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮, 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘰𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮. 

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘈 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘷𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘴. 

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘮𝘦, 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴. 𝘏𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦, 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘮. 

At the same time, it is important to acknowledge that divorce is a death experience; the death of a relationship, of dreams, & a future that you had imagined. Allow yourself time to grieve the losses, and come to terms with those endings. Only then can you start to focus and engage in the new beginning with less anxiety & more energy. 

There are resources available to you in the community & networks around you such as working with a counsellor or attending support groups. 

If you would like to learn more about the counselling services I offer, or to take advantage of a 15-minute intake call with me free of charge, please get in touch via DM or my website: 𝘸𝘸𝘸.𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘦𝘴4𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦.𝘤𝘰𝘮

What Out-dated Story Are You Still Living By Today?

What out-dated story are you still living by today?

 Are you aware of it, and it’s impacts on your life? 

 Would you like to bring it to your awareness? 

 After all, you can’t change what you are not aware exists in the first place. 

 “It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”

- Patrick Rothfuss, American author.

 Those who know me might also know that I am mixed. My mum was from Ghana and my dad from Lebanon. I was the intersection between an African and an Arab, a Catholic and a Muslim. I was baptised as a baby then when a toddler was raised in a Muslim household.

 My parents divorced before I was two years old. The circumstances then meant that I was shuffled around between carers and homes until I arrived, in the sixties, at the doorsteps of my Lebanese grandmother in Tripoli, Lebanon. 

 Not many people looked like me in those days. I was one of two black pupils in the whole school. The result was being subjected to discrimination and racism during the most impressionable years of my life. My brown skin became a reason to dislike me, reject me, call me names, poke fun at me, ignore me, or treat me with total inconsideration.

 It is no wonder that the combination of the unsettled early years and having to face those biases led me to make the decision that I was not good enough, and that I needed to try hard to earn people’s love.  

 When you tell yourself a story long enough, you believe it and it impacts all your life choices. 

 That was the story that I lived by for most of my teen and young adult years and it did negatively impact my personal and professional life. I experienced a crisis in my thirties, had a breakdown, and got myself some much needed help in the form of coaching and counselling. That was the moment when things started to change. 

 It was only then, in those therapeutic sessions, that I started to bring aspects of this old, out-dated story into my awareness. I started challenging its truth, and questioned its validity. Only then life began to slowly change, and I started first to love myself and then allow the love of others to flow into my life. Only then I began to experience joy and fulfilment, which spread around me and engulfed everyone in my world. 

 “There is a surrendering to your story and then a knowing that you don’t have to stay in your story.”

- Colette Baron-Reid, Intuitive Counsellor

 I observe a similar, yet unique experience, in my clients. I see how many of them are also still living according to an old, out-dated story. I witness how they carry heavily within them the limiting decisions and beliefs that they formed decades ago. The story that brought some comfort years ago is now the cause of so much discomfort because it is thwarting their chances of a happy and successful life. 

 The out-dated story could be stopping you from going after that promotion, or acing that interview, from speaking up and sharing your ideas during work meetings, or starting a relationship. It could be the reason you focus on the needs of others and neglect your own. The reason you can’t say no and try hard to meet the demands of others. The reason you are afraid to show your emotions and your vulnerability. The reason you strive for perfection and fear making mistakes. 

 My clients and I work together so they can become fully aware of the old story. This allows them to re-examine those decisions, and choose when and how to let this old story go, make new choices and live according to a changed and more authentic story. 

 What about you? 

 Are you still holding on to an out-dated story? 

 Would you like to bring it to your awareness? 

 Let’s talk.

It Is Time To Get Comfortable Discussing The Uncomfortable

I am mixed race. My mother was Ghanaian and racialised as black, whereas my father was Lebanese and racialised as white. Growing up I struggled with my sense of belonging and identity, as I was too black for the Lebanese and too culturally different for the Ghanaians. Yet those who know me probably hardly hear me discuss racism. The truth is that racism was not a topic that I was able to discuss comfortably or lightly before May 25th 2020 when news of George Floyd’s death spread around the globe. The reason being that growing up I was conditioned to avoid talking about race and racism, because it made people around me feel uncomfortable. I avoided the topic because I worried it would make my good intentioned white family members, my well meaning white friends and work colleagues, feel hurt. Instead I swallowed my own hurt. 

“You are growing into consciousness, and my wish for you is that you feel no need to constrict yourself to make other people comfortable.”
― Ta-Nehisi Coates, Author & Journalist.

 I remember being told the story that my dad’s relationship with my mother was kept secret from my paternal grandfather who was ill at the time – everyone feared that such terrible news about his son dating a black woman might finish him off. My birth was kept secret from my grandfather and he died not knowing of my existence. I don’t need to elaborate on the subliminal messages this sent about my identity and right to exist.

 Growing up, those closest to me told me lovingly that I should stay away from the sun, lest I get darker. An older member of my extended family once told me endearingly that I am such a lovely girl, pity that I was born black. How can I possibly convey the alienation I felt when my hair often seemed the subject of conversation and curiosity, so much so that people gave themselves permission to reach out and touch it without asking if it’s okay for me that they do so? My natural hair was deemed unruly and messy so that to fit in I succumbed to using chemicals to straighten it. I did that in the hope, in vain, that at least with straightened hair I, somehow, could, blend in, and feel a sense of belonging, however small, to the community that I was circumstantially thrust into. 

“Hating people because of their colour is wrong. And it doesn't matter which colour does the hating. It's just plain wrong.”
― Muhammad Ali, Professional boxer & Activist.

 Yes, I learnt very early on in life to avoid talking about racism, because it made people feel uncomfortable – especially those I love and am loved by. People who actually meant well by their words and behaviours, without being aware of how much unconscious bias they held or that their words and actions were racist and were chipping away at my identity. However, now I realise that we can’t change things without talking about them and bringing them into people’s awareness.

 When I was 14 years old we fled from Lebanon to Ghana as a result of the civil war. My dad was living and working in Ghana at the time. I remember vividly how struck I was by seeing the sea of black faces as I arrived at Kotoka airport in Accra. In a flash I was no longer the minority, “There are so many people who look like me”, I thought to myself. My time in Ghana left another impression on me through my visit to Elmina Castle, at a former slave trading port originally built by the Portuguese. It was there that I heard for the first time, the story and history of the slave trade that took place in that castle many years ago. We were taken around the castle, room after room, while our tour guide narrated the atrocities committed by the Portuguese and Dutch during the slave trade that went on for years until, it was abolished in 1814. My teenage ears heard how thousands were shackled and crammed into poorly ventilated dungeons without water and sanitation. The men were separated from the women who were regularly raped by their captors. I remember feeling sickened hearing about the plight of the slaves. As we exited I was struck by the words written on a memorial plaque:

“In everlasting memory of the anguish of our ancestors. May those who died rest in peace. May those who return find their roots. May humanity never again perpetrate such injustice against humanity. We the living vow to uphold this.”

 Despite the intense discomfort hearing this history brought inside of me I was struck by the importance of knowing it. So much so that years later I came back, this time with my daughters, so they too could learn and become aware of this part of their history. The advantage of knowing the past is to provide lessons in order to ensure that mistakes are not repeated. Yet here we are in 2020, we the “living” are still “perpetrating injustice against humanity!“ We have not upheld our vow! 

“The ultimate measure of a person is not where one stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where one stands in times of challenge and controversy.” – Martin Luther King, Jr., Minister & Activist.

 I remember standing in front of that plaque for a very long time feeling every emotion under the sun. So many questions raced through my mind. How can humans hurt other humans simply based on their colour, race, religion, gender identity, or sexuality?

 My time in Ghana taught me two valuable things: 

·      Humans look different, however that difference need not be treated as bad or negative.

·      It’s important to know our history and to learn from the past, as without this awareness we have no hope of creating a brighter future.

 I was lucky to have a loving paternal grandmother who was wise beyond her time and who planted in me the idea that others do not define who you are and when placed in a situation that you might be helpless to change, as I was as a child, then you can change how you respond to it. In the UK, I was told by many that as a black person I would need to study and work twice as hard to achieve the same level of success as a white person. In the Netherlands when once I expressed reluctance at biking in the rain, a co-worker found it perfectly appropriate to make a joke by assuring me that my brown skin colour would not wash away in the rain. In Oman, where I lived for several years, I observed that many domestic workers who came from India, Sri-Lanka and the Philippines were hugely discriminated against. My curiosity to understand human behaviour lead me to learn more and more about people’s fear of what they deem different whether it is physical, sexual, religious or cultural. My story originates in the sixties and seventies yet even today I hear similar stories of rejection and hurt narrated by some of my clients and acquaintances. My own children shared and continue to share stories and incidents of racism and discrimination that they have experienced and witnessed throughout their lives. This problem is still with us now. 

“No matter how big a nation is, it is no stronger than its weakest people, and as long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you might otherwise.” – Marian Anderson, Author & Contralto

 It has become apparent to me more recently, how uncomfortable some people feel talking about racism, now that I am finally daring to try. A well-meaning person recently stopped me mid sentence to share what someone in her community had said about racism …  “Why do we need to talk about this when we are one human race?”  Was this noble sentiment reflected in the way the policeman knelt for almost 9 minutes on George Floyd’s neck? Such statements deny the existence of the problem and shut down important conversations that need to be conducted in order to find solutions and achieve change. 

“If you have come to help me you are wasting your time. But if you recognise that your liberation and mine are bound up together, we can walk together.” – Lila Watson, Visual artist & Activist.

For change to happen we must start getting comfortable discussing the uncomfortable. By not doing so we are denying that racism exists. According to Afua Hirsch denial will not solve the problem of racism but will lead to two further problems. The first problem is that it gives the impression that seeing race is something bad. And secondly by not seeing race we shut down the analysis of the issue. Just because we choose not to see race, not to see discrimination, not to see bias, not to see inequality, does not mean that the problem disappears. On the contrary, the lack of acknowledgment and validation makes the situation much worse, because it means we are denying people who do experience racism their own identity. I highly recommend that you read her book Brit(ish) to gain a deeper understanding of this.

 I am inviting you all, myself included, to become comfortable to talk about race and racism, to talk about discrimination and inequality in general. These conversations will bring to our awareness the unconscious biases that we all hold. We all know that awareness precedes change. Only through this awareness can we bring about positive change in the world.