Thoughts About Anxiety

“I was told that my thoughts are leading to my anxiety, and that changing my thoughts would get rid of my anxiety, but it doesn’t seem to work. What are your thoughts on this?”

 That was one of the questions asked at our recent Let's Talk About Anxiety event at The Hague Natural Health Centre. 

 When I became a mother for the first time I was gripped by intense anxiety. Yes, the anxiety was partly triggered by negative thoughts about the safety of my baby. However, there was something much deeper that my body was feeling yet my mind could not understand. It was much later on when I engaged in therapy that I understood what it was: trauma.

 Your negative thoughts can lead you to experience anxiety, because our brain does not decipher between what is real and what is imagined. However, depending on your unique circumstances, being simply told to change your thoughts to get rid of your anxiety, as the attendee shared, is not helpful. In fact, on top of the anxiety you might feel like a total failure. 

 In addition, we are not always consciously aware of our thoughts, and anxiety can also be a response to not only our cognitive processes, but also to our Body which, as Bessel Van Der Kolk wrote, Keeps The Score. 

 The deeper question to ask is: why do some people have the tendency towards negative thoughts in the first place, or have the tendency to feel things more deeply than others?

 The answer lies in one’s personal history. Your life experiences shape who you are, and have an impact on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, as well as your capacity to handle the various types of stresses that life throws at you. 

 Imagine that you carry a container into which you dump the stress you come across from day to day. This container also has a tap from which you can occasionally empty some of that stress. Things that help you relieve the stress, or empty out your container, include exercise, mindful activities, talking to a friend or doing a hobby. If anything interferes with this regulation system of the container, for example an unexpected big life event which fills up your container with a sudden huge amount of stress, or a blockage to the tap due to, say, missing out on regular exercise, then your container will overflow. Some signs of overflow can be irritability, sleep disturbance, being withdrawn, or outbursts of strong emotions. The idea is to be self-aware and closely monitor your container and take action in order to avoid overflow.

Another thing to consider is that the capacity to hold stress differs from person to person. 

 What causes this difference? 

 The answer again lies in our personal history. If you have had a life filled with childhood traumas, losses and upsets, then your container size will be smaller due to the sediments that such life experiences cause, which take up space in your container. These sediments get dislodged when you face life challenges and interfere with the flow. Talking to a professional can help process these life experiences and break the sediments into much smaller pieces that can easily flow out of your container. Also, you may be carrying baggage that does not belong to you which also adds to the sediments in your container. Again, a therapist will help you identify what is yours and return what is not to the rightful owners. This creates space in your container.

 Someone whose life was devoid of drama will have a much bigger container with no sediments and therefore have a bigger capacity to handle stress. 

 So, if you have had a life filled with traumatic events then you become a person who is more likely to have negative thoughts, and is generally more vigilant and defensive. That is because your experience taught you that the environment is not safe, that people are not to be trusted. You have a heightened sensitivity to your environment, and thus a more anxious personality. You are in survival mode. You go through life preparing to fight, flee or freeze, as expressed by one client who said,

“I feel that my head is full, I can’t focus or think clearly. All I want to do is run.” 

Understanding that how she was feeling is normal considering the severe trauma she has been through, already brings a degree of calm. She is not crazy. She is emotionally wounded and has not been given the appropriate first aid treatment.

 The more you address and heal the wounds of your past, the calmer you become and the safer you feel. We underestimate how much past events impact our present. 

 Of course, challenging your negative thoughts and practicing positive thinking is great, provided you have done the deeper work. 

“𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨.”

“𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨.”

 The statement above is often shared by some of my international clients who are living and working in a different culture to their own. On the one hand those experiences can be an opportunity for growth. However, on the other hand, depending on your childhood, they can also feel like rubbing salt on an open wound. A repetition of what was endured before. 

 As a black child growing up in Lebanon, I looked different, not only from members of the society at large but also from members in my own nuclear family. I faced racism which further drove the message that I did not belong. No matter how hard I tried the message that I did not fit in persisted. 

 As an adult I ended up leading an international life and I took my inner need to belong everywhere I went. I found myself having to repeatedly adapt and try to fit in within groups in different countries and different cultures. My efforts and hard work to fit in and belong sometimes left me emotionally exhausted. Having to constantly adapt to those changing environments meant that I no longer knew who I was. The most painful was witnessing my children grappling with their own sense of belonging. 

 The reality can be further complicated if you find yourself in multicultural groups, whether in a family setting or at work. What are the rules around belonging in such systems, and who defines them?

 Our sense of belonging starts at birth in the families that we are born into. We unconsciously carry those early experiences within us and they impact the rest of our lives. The feeling of not belonging might be old and gets re-enforced by present day experiences where you are treated like an outsider; where you get the message, “That’s not how things are done here.”

 So, you adapt, perhaps even over-adapt, a pattern of behaviour that you learnt as a child, and in doing so you lose your authentic self in the process.

 In the past, experiences that left me feeling like an outsider, caused me a lot of pain. After my years of therapy and re-training to become a coach and counsellor, I gained amazing insights into my personal journey and integrated a wealth of knowledge that helped resolve those deep patterns and dynamics from my childhood. 

 My personal experience, combined with my learnings, creates a great resource. This allows me to be a coach and counsellor who can support my international clients to explore,  and become aware, of the connection between their painful childhood experiences, and the pain and lack of belonging they are experiencing in the present. Sometimes that awareness on its own can bring relief, and in some cases perhaps more deep work and healing might be necessary. 

 We can’t change what happened to us, however we can choose what to do with what happened. We can choose to sit in pain or turn pain into purpose. 

𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦?

𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦? 

This month marks 5 years since my divorce was finalised.

As a counsellor, I have supported international clients who were going through divorce. The added difficulty here was that they were going through this difficult process away from their home country & the support of their extended family. In some cases their whole existence here in the Netherlands was tied to their spouse’s career, which added to their vulnerability. 

Divorce, although painful, can lead to enormous personal growth. It can initiate a healing journey during which you can reconnect with yourself, become unlocked and find your voice. 

These are some of the things that have come up in my sessions with clients: 

𝘋𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩. 𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮, 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘰𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮. 

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘈 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘷𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘴. 

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘮𝘦, 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴. 𝘏𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦, 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘮. 

At the same time, it is important to acknowledge that divorce is a death experience; the death of a relationship, of dreams, & a future that you had imagined. Allow yourself time to grieve the losses, and come to terms with those endings. Only then can you start to focus and engage in the new beginning with less anxiety & more energy. 

There are resources available to you in the community & networks around you such as working with a counsellor or attending support groups. 

If you would like to learn more about the counselling services I offer, or to take advantage of a 15-minute intake call with me free of charge, please get in touch via DM or my website: 𝘸𝘸𝘸.𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘦𝘴4𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦.𝘤𝘰𝘮

Speaking Fast And Slow

Are you a fast or slow speaker?  

Has the speed of your speech ever been an issue in your life?

I fall into the group of fast speakers. 

As a child and teenager I was ridiculed and laughed at repeatedly when I spoke. Often someone amongst the listeners would make a joke at my expense, and ask me through fits of laughter to, “please rewind and play it again.” 

I am sure the kids did not mean to be unkind, however the kid at the receiving end, me, felt shamed and hurt. Sometimes even adults in my environment imitated me and made fun of how I spoke. 

In time and out of awareness I formed a limiting decision that grew into a limiting belief. 

I am not good at public speaking and never will be. 

“It is important to see that whatever seems determined in your life has been determined by you unconsciously. You have written your own software. Depending on the way you have written your software, that is the way you think, that is the way you feel, that is the way you act, and that is what you invite into your life.”

- SADHGURU, a yogi, a mystic & founder of Isha Humanitarian Foundation

As I grew older this limiting belief turned into a strong fear of public speaking. I did everything I could to avoid speaking in public like it was the plague. 

On the occasions that I managed to avoid it, I felt relief mixed with shame and disappointment. I was disappointed because of the missed opportunity of sharing what I felt was of value. I felt shame at my inability to express my thoughts and opinions. 

On the occasions when I could not escape from it, I suffered tremendous anxiety and stress leading up to the main event. During the event itself I would shake like a leaf, have a dry mouth and struggle to concentrate, as all I could focus on was the need to get myself off that visible stage as soon as possible. At the end I would feel relief that it was over plus disappointment and shame with my performance. It was a vicious cycle.

I tried different things to help me overcome my fear of public speaking, like for example joining Toastmasters (an international non-for-profit organisation that helps people develop communication, public speaking, and leadership skills). They helped a little, however my real transformation came when I embarked on my studies about human behaviour, and had therapy. It was only then that I unearthed the real underlying issues behind my fear of public speaking, and became aware of those past limiting decisions and beliefs that I have made as a child. I also became aware of deeper traumatic experiences that added to my fear of speaking publicly, of being centre of attention and of being visible. 

For each vow and limiting belief that I reprogram and reframe, I get another layer of freedom.”

- Katische Haberfield, author.

Awareness was key because you can’t change what you are not aware actually exists. Once aware then the healing and recovery can start followed by taking actions to make new empowering decisions and beliefs to replace the old ones.

Today I wouldn’t say that I am totally free of fear surrounding my public speaking, however, because I have had the awareness and healing work, I am able to use that knowledge and awareness to energise me instead of paralyse me. Added to this is my passion at sharing what I have learnt in order to support others.

I am perhaps still a fast speaker but this habit no longer evokes shame in me. I embrace it and take steps to remind myself to slow down so I can communicate effectively the message I want to share with my audience.

Why is it important to uncover limiting beliefs? 

Because they navigate our lives and they are essentially errors of judgement. By uncovering them we gain the ability to limit the damage they cause and increase our choices. 

How do you uncover the limiting beliefs that are holding you back from reaching your true potential?

• By taking time and space to reflect on your life, and discover the areas where you feel you have not gotten the results you want despite your efforts. The areas where you feel out of sync with what you really want to be, do or have.

• By paying close attention to what your body is trying to communicate to you. 

• By engaging the services of a coach, counsellor or therapist because they act as objective observers who are more likely to detect those errors of judgement that you confidently carried within you for so long. So do go ahead and treat yourself to a number of sessions to resolve these issues. You are worth it.

Does this resonate? Is this something you need support with?  

Let’s talk. 

Let's Bust The Myth

Let’s bust the myth.

 Being a coach, counsellor or therapist does not mean:

•  That you have all the answers.

•  That you can fix anything or anyone.

•  That your life is perfect and always together.

•  That you don’t experience bad days.

•  That you never doubt yourself or feel anxious or afraid.

 We are human after all. We are not perfect nor in possession of magical powers. 

 Let me demonstrate this through sharing a personal story. I am living up to the Arabic meaning of my name after all, the female storyteller.

 All the work I did in relation to mental and emotional well-being, provided me with insights into my childhood experiences and how they led me to have certain behavioural patterns as a result of those experiences. This is also often the case with most of us. The circumstances surrounding our childhood shape who we are as adults. The coping behavioural patterns we develop as a result were helpful then as children, however prove to be ineffective strategies when we are adults. One of the things I became aware of are the issues surrounding abandonment, feeling unloved and unaccepted as I am. It drove me to try hard to people please, to adopt a perfectionist attitude and to suppress my authentic emotions. Gaining that self-awareness was transformational on a personal as well as a professional level. 

 I quit working as a pharmacist after many years in the profession and retrained to become a coach and a counsellor. 

 In my existing professional role I do experience periods where I am busy with clients, inspired to write blogs and social media posts, interacting with other professionals in the field, and attending webinars and workshops as a form of continuing learning and education. 

 And there are also the periods when I am less busy, have fewer or no clients, feel uninspired, experience fewer interactions and sit in a kind of stagnation. 

 I noticed that those quieter periods make me feel uncomfortable, and I observed that I seem to fall back onto the old out-dated childhood strategies of trying too hard to be and do what I feel is expected of me, in order to escape this discomfort. This was mostly evident to me during the COVID lockdown years when the world felt like it came to a standstill.

 “How interesting”, I thought to myself, on noticing my discomfort. “I wonder what is happening here?” I questioned myself.

 So I decided to consciously take a different approach during those quiet periods. Instead of getting busy ‘doing’ I chose ‘being’, to instead sit quietly with that discomfort and discover its source. I remembered Dr Susan David’s famous quote, which I love, 

 “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.”

- Susan David, psychologist, speaker and author.

 It’s not surprising that I did gain some meaningful information through withstanding this discomfort. I discovered that the source of this discomfort was connected to my past abandonment issues and feeling unloved and unaccepted. The discomfort I experienced in those quiet periods was due to me connecting to my Inner Child’s old fear of being abandoned, forgotten and left behind. 

 That insightful moment was so helpful and healing. It meant that nowadays when I do experience quieter and less productive periods in my profession, I do not feel that uncomfortable anxiety anymore. I let myself be and trust the process. I embrace this time of quiet and enjoy the valuable reflections it brings me that ultimately are so helpful in the work I do with clients. I see them as periods of enrichment. 

 Being coaches, counsellors and therapists simply means that we have the knowledge about psychological models, and having experienced them during our own therapeutic and supervision sessions, we know their value in assisting others, as well as ourselves, to resolve emotional and mental issues. We know how to implement them to support others without judgement and with much empathy and compassion. 

 The solution to ease our suffering lies within us. In the same way I was able to support myself in easing my discomfort I support my clients in finding the answers within them to ease their own discomforts. 

 I am curious what other professionals in this field think? 

 Please share in the comments. 

What Out-dated Story Are You Still Living By Today?

What out-dated story are you still living by today?

 Are you aware of it, and it’s impacts on your life? 

 Would you like to bring it to your awareness? 

 After all, you can’t change what you are not aware exists in the first place. 

 “It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”

- Patrick Rothfuss, American author.

 Those who know me might also know that I am mixed. My mum was from Ghana and my dad from Lebanon. I was the intersection between an African and an Arab, a Catholic and a Muslim. I was baptised as a baby then when a toddler was raised in a Muslim household.

 My parents divorced before I was two years old. The circumstances then meant that I was shuffled around between carers and homes until I arrived, in the sixties, at the doorsteps of my Lebanese grandmother in Tripoli, Lebanon. 

 Not many people looked like me in those days. I was one of two black pupils in the whole school. The result was being subjected to discrimination and racism during the most impressionable years of my life. My brown skin became a reason to dislike me, reject me, call me names, poke fun at me, ignore me, or treat me with total inconsideration.

 It is no wonder that the combination of the unsettled early years and having to face those biases led me to make the decision that I was not good enough, and that I needed to try hard to earn people’s love.  

 When you tell yourself a story long enough, you believe it and it impacts all your life choices. 

 That was the story that I lived by for most of my teen and young adult years and it did negatively impact my personal and professional life. I experienced a crisis in my thirties, had a breakdown, and got myself some much needed help in the form of coaching and counselling. That was the moment when things started to change. 

 It was only then, in those therapeutic sessions, that I started to bring aspects of this old, out-dated story into my awareness. I started challenging its truth, and questioned its validity. Only then life began to slowly change, and I started first to love myself and then allow the love of others to flow into my life. Only then I began to experience joy and fulfilment, which spread around me and engulfed everyone in my world. 

 “There is a surrendering to your story and then a knowing that you don’t have to stay in your story.”

- Colette Baron-Reid, Intuitive Counsellor

 I observe a similar, yet unique experience, in my clients. I see how many of them are also still living according to an old, out-dated story. I witness how they carry heavily within them the limiting decisions and beliefs that they formed decades ago. The story that brought some comfort years ago is now the cause of so much discomfort because it is thwarting their chances of a happy and successful life. 

 The out-dated story could be stopping you from going after that promotion, or acing that interview, from speaking up and sharing your ideas during work meetings, or starting a relationship. It could be the reason you focus on the needs of others and neglect your own. The reason you can’t say no and try hard to meet the demands of others. The reason you are afraid to show your emotions and your vulnerability. The reason you strive for perfection and fear making mistakes. 

 My clients and I work together so they can become fully aware of the old story. This allows them to re-examine those decisions, and choose when and how to let this old story go, make new choices and live according to a changed and more authentic story. 

 What about you? 

 Are you still holding on to an out-dated story? 

 Would you like to bring it to your awareness? 

 Let’s talk.

My Quest For Self-Esteem

Do you feel that you are not worthy of happiness?

 Do you feel the need to always prove yourself?

 Do you feel undeserving of love and destined to be hurt?

 Do you feel like you are an imposter?

 Do you feel the need to see others as inferior?

 Then you most probably are experiencing low self-esteem.

 Due to the circumstances surrounding my childhood I grew up with low self-esteem. 

 It was an obstacle that I fought to overcome throughout most of my teen and young adult life. It impacted all my decisions and choices in both my personal and professional life. 

 It was not surprising that when I became a mother, the one thing I intensely wished and hoped for, was for my children to have a healthy dose of self-esteem. I was willing to do everything in my power to give them that. I intuitively knew that it was something that will make them thrive instead of survive, like I had been doing most of my life. 

 Yet despite my intention and all my efforts I failed in this task as I observed signs of low self-esteem in my daughters during their early years. I was curious as to the reasons why. 

 I reflected and thought hard about this and read many books on the subject. It turns out that a lot of psychological problems are traceable, partly, to the problem of low self-esteem. One day I had a ‘eureka’ moment. In that moment I realised that I can’t teach something to another if I am not able to demonstrate it in myself. Children learn more from what we do than from what we say. To give my daughters the gift of higher self-esteem, I needed to gift it to me first. I needed to demonstrate this to them through my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I needed to be able to practice what I was preaching. 

 “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

- Mahatma Gandhi, Indian lawyer and anti-colonial nationalist.

 In my quest to learn, understand and raise my own self-esteem, I engaged in coaching, counselling and eventually trauma therapy. Seeing how positively this impacted my life, I followed up by studying the very psychological concepts that were personally transformational for me. 

 This kind of work naturally opened Pandora’s box. It was sometimes painful and challenging work, yet also very freeing and rewarding work. 

 In the midst of all this work something magical happened. 

 I observed that as my own self-esteem rose so did my children’s. I was paying it forward for generations to come because I was investing in my own personal development and my own mental and emotional well-being. I did not know then that this experience would later on lead me to my purpose and the work I am doing today. 

“Hope can be a powerful force. Maybe there’s no actual magic in it, but when you know what you hope for most and hold it like a light within you, you can make things happen, almost like magic.”

- Laini Taylor, American author.

 The above experience taught me that to raise an emotionally and mentally healthy next generation, something that was extremely important to me, I needed to start with myself, to work on my own emotional and mental well-being first. This way I ensure that I no longer unknowingly pass on to my children unhealthy beliefs and prejudices, unrealistic fantasies, and in general unhealthy patterns of thinking feeling and behaving. Instead I gain the ability to give my children the space to think for themselves, and give themselves the permission to be who they want to be, and do what they want to do in life. 

 I am grateful for having a curious mind that led me so many years ago to that ‘eureka’ moment of clarity. 

 I am grateful for having the courage to ask for help. 

 I am grateful for having the belief that things can change, and for realising that I have within me what it takes to make that change. 

 So to anyone out there who thinks that asking for help is a sign of weakness, I say to you that in fact it is a sign of strength.

 And to anyone who has doubts about investing in their personal growth and development, and in their mental and emotional well-being, I say stop hesitating and start engaging. It is the best gift you can give to yourself.

 You are worth it!

 If you are struggling with issues of self-esteem then do please get in touch. 

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Should I stay or should I go?

Have you ever been in a situation where you repeatedly asked yourself the above question? 

I have, in both my personal and professional life. 

I have also worked with some clients who found themselves at some point facing such a dilemma. 

Although being in this in-between stuck situation feels uncomfortable, the experience, with the guidance of a professional, might present opportunities for growth and self-discovery. It can offer a space for personal development.

As a coach and counsellor I of course do not have the answer to my clients’ question. It is not my place to tell them whether they should stay or indeed go. My role is to work with them and explore together, from the here and now, the best way forward for them. 

We explore together what aspects of their personal history are impacting the present situation. Together we decontaminate the present moment from past out-dated beliefs, prejudices and fantasies so the client can gain clarity and expand their capacities for an appropriate response in the here and now. 

 I do that by applying a model called the Ego State model from transactional analysis. This model proposes that we have three distinct parts to our personality: Parent, Adult and Child. Each of these parts has its own set of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that interact differently with the world. 

When we are in Parent ego state we interact with the world like a Parent figure from our childhood. We embody their beliefs and prejudices about the world and way of thinking, feeling and behaving. 

 When we are in Child ego state we interact with the world the way we did as children, emotional, spontaneous, creative and uninhibited. 

 When we are in Adult we interact with the world from the here and now moment using all the information and data available to us in the moment. 

 We reach a dilemma because we are trying to negotiate between Child needs and Parent demands. 

 Together with my client I explore the following:

 What are the past childhood needs that the client is trying to meet today?

 What past parental beliefs and prejudices are still forming an obstacle today?

 And in their quest to meet those needs and uphold those beliefs and prejudices are they losing their authenticity? 

 Being in a space and time when we are asking the question “Should I stay or should I go?” means that we are in a space between stories. The old past story and a possible new story. 

 The above curious exploration allows for discovery that in turn leads to recovery. The aim is to strengthen the client’s Adult so they can think for themselves and give themselves the permission to hold on or let go of what no longer feels harmonious to their authentic being. 

 This added clarity allows the client to take the right actions in the moment from their Adult ego state. 

 So if you find yourself like me, once upon a time, or like some of my clients, facing the kind of dilemmas where you are asking yourself the question above, then working with a coach or counsellor can help you arrive at making the appropriate decision. An outcome that is reached with awareness and is devoid of unwanted influences from your past. 

 Is this something you need support with? 

 Get in touch. 

Do You Unknowingly Carry Unconscious Bias?

At the junior school that I attended in Lebanon there was a small kiosk where students could order something to eat during lunch break. Students could make their orders through a small window and were served by two ladies. There was no such thing as a queue system. The only way to purchase something during the break was to push your way through dozens of other students doing the same until you reached the front and then got the attention of one of the ladies and asked for what you needed, paid, got your change and then fought your way out again.  

 On one such occasion I fought my way in, bought myself a sandwich then fought my way back out, only to find out that the lady who served me gave me the wrong change. She gave me back too much money. I had more on me than when I started. 

 “Oh no!” I thought to myself, because I knew that annoyingly I was going to have to fight my way back in again to return the extra cash that did not belong to me. Those were the values that my grandma brought me up with. She taught me to never steal or keep something that does not belong to me. 

 So I went back, before I even ate my sandwich, fought my way back to the front of the window then tried to shout louder than the other kids to get the attention of the lady who served me. When I got her attention I handed her the money back and told her that she gave me too much by mistake. She was shocked! She literally stood there with her mouth open in disbelief. Not at making a mistake but at the fact that I, the black girl who has been experiencing racism and discrimination at school and, no good were ever expected of her, voluntarily returned what was not hers to keep. The lady finally thanked me quietly once she recovered.

 Since that time and on every single occasion I fought my way to buy something from the kiosk, that lady would attend to my needs as soon as she saw my face emerge through the crowd of students, which was easy to spot as I was one of two black kids in the whole school. She would make a point of ignoring everyone’s screaming orders and look at me and ask me what I needed. It was her way of showing me appreciation for my action. 

"Systems do not maintain themselves; even our lack of intervention is an act of maintenance. Every structure in every society is upheld by the active and passive assistance of other human beings.”

- Sonya Renee Taylor, author and activist

 At the time I was struck by how my genuine behaviour caused a shift in this lady’s preconceived notion of black people. However now and with everything I have learnt over time about human behaviour and societal issues I realise what an unfair burden was put on that child that was me, to have felt that I needed to prove my worthiness as a black person by being a good little girl; that as a black person it is too risky for me to make mistakes. A similar message, that many black people experience in the US, UK and elsewhere. A message that was reinforced when I worked in the UK and was told by a well meaning line manager that as a black person I needed to work twice as hard as a white person to get the same recognition. 

 I hope this story makes you stop and think. Perhaps reflect on whether you unknowingly carry any unconscious biases and decide to confront those biases and change. One way to explore this is through working with a coach, counsellor or therapist.

What is your relationship with endings?

Endings are part of the many transitions we go through in life. Whether it’s a redundancy, a retirement, a job change, relocation, a marriage, a divorce, a war, political unrest, a birth or the death of a loved one. All of those experiences signal endings. 

I am writing this blog while on a visit with my daughter, with the knowledge that our special quality time together will shortly come to an end when I fly back home. 

Endings are sometimes big or small. No matter the size or significance, we rarely stop to explore our relationship with endings, or take a moment to pause and reflect on whether we want to change that relationship we have with endings. 

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”

-Paulo Coelho, a Brazilian lyricist & novelist.

On reflection I realised that my relationship with endings has changed over time. At first I was reacting from my past childhood family situation and the many abrupt endings that I have experienced growing up. I recollect that during that distant past the importance of endings was minimised. There was no time or space made available to reflect, process or learn. It was about survival and moving forward.

In contrast, nowadays I take my time with endings and recognise their importance. I sit with the pain and discomfort that sometimes comes with certain endings. I allow myself to grieve the loss so I can make space for what is to come, to say goodbye to the old so I can have the capacity to welcome and be present with the new. Embracing endings helps me saviour the present moment. 

How we end can impact how we begin. So spending sometime reflecting on how we cope with endings and becoming aware of the mind-set we carry in relation to endings can be helpful. Do you perhaps rush through endings, or linger on or avoid them altogether? Is that behaviour around endings something you recognise as a pattern from the environment in which you grew up? Is it an attitude that has been passed on from the previous generation? Most importantly do you want to continue to embrace this way of coping with endings or do you desire a change?

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”

-Ellen Goodman, an American journalist & syndicated columnist.

Are you struggling to come to terms with an ending? I invite you to give yourself the time and space to sit with the feelings that are coming up for you in relation to this ending. Give your emotions room to be expressed. While doing so ask yourself, “What is the story I am holding in my head about this ending? Is this story helpful? Can I possibly write a different and more helpful story that will allow me to move on?”

For additional support you can schedule a time to explore your situation with a coach or counsellor. 

Alternatively you can attend a workshop, such as the one I attended recently, which inspired this blog, given by Adrian Hall and Rebecca Gane entitled Rewriting Endings. Connect with them via LinkedIn to learn more.  

DECISIONS, FEAR & RAIN

We often make decisions based on an emotion.

Fear is an emotion that most often drives our decision making process. Fear signals danger and directs our mind to take an action that can hopefully get us back into safety.

However when intense fear is repeatedly experienced in the absence of real danger, then it is no longer serving to secure our survival. In these circumstances fear serves to make us feel trapped and ends up holding us back from living to our full potential.

Our emotion of fear is shaped by our personal history and can get contaminated by memories of past events. That’s why some of us fear things that for others hold no danger.

My personal history meant that I have experienced the rise and fall of fear most of my life. I often said no because I feared saying yes, and I said yes because I feared saying no. In time I have learnt to explore and befriend my fears so I can stop expending energy defending my life instead of living it; most importantly so I can make decisions from a calm instead of a reactive place. It seems that I am not alone as many of my clients have their own stories around fear and how it impacts their decision making.

So what can you do when fear, in the absence of real danger, seems to often hold you hostage and negatively impact your decision process?

“Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.”

- Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati, spiritual teacher

I personally find Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation practice extremely helpful. RAIN is an acronym for: Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture.

Recognise what is happening right in that moment and name it. What are you feeling exactly?

Allow those feelings and let them be without judgment. Don’t try to ignore them, criticise or get rid of them. On the contrary, let them be.

Investigate with a sense of curiosity and interest the sensory experience in your body. Where exactly in your body is this feeling? How is it being expressed inside of you? Ask yourself, “What am I believing is happening?” Sense if there is a core belief there. Do you perhaps feel unlovable or unworthy? How does this feel somatically in your body? Place your hand gently on whatever part of your body where you are feeling those difficult emotions. Ask yourself, “What does this vulnerable part of me need?”. Is it forgiveness, compassion, understanding, love or trust?

Nurture by intentionally offering whatever kindness is needed and is most going to serve you in that moment. Is it love, acceptance, understanding or belief in you? It can be something that you offer to yourself, or you can also imagine someone else offering it to you like a grandparent or a dear friend. Sense their presence and loving care. Communicate and offer what is being asked. Send a message that is simply helpful such as “thank you for trying to protect me but I am okay now” or “you are loved and safe now.”

Now take a moment and reflect on the situation. Notice what has shifted. What decision is now coming naturally to you? What have you learnt or discovered as a result of this practice?

It’s a simple mindful and self-compassionate practice yet very profound. As Tara says, the gift from practicing RAIN is that you start living from the truth of who you are rather than from your reactive self.

For more information you can check Tara Brach’s website: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/

Or read her book Radical Acceptance.

Embrace Your Fear. Don't Freeze It!

I believe fear must have been the first emotion that I have learnt to master. Growing up I feared many things. The first ever fear that I consciously remember experiencing was fear of taking the lift. I was stuck in a lift once as a child and found the experience extremely frightening and distressing. I refused to go into a lift after that and always took the stairs no matter how high I needed to go. It kept me fit but I hated the feeling of being afraid. At some point in my early teens I started to challenge myself and go in the lift for a short distance, a kind of exposure self-therapy and in time I managed to overcome it.

 The next fear on my list was fear of the deep. I was afraid of swimming at the deep end of a swimming pool or in the deep end in the sea. An incident when I was a teenager of jumping into the deep end of a pool by mistake and nearly drowning did not help matters. Movies about sharks that were popular in the eighties fuelled my imagination and only served to make this fear grow. My fear of the deep comes and goes depending on my level of exposure.

 Next was my fear of flying which is now a thing of the past. Neuro-Linguistic Programming concepts really helped me to overcome this particular fear because I became aware of the pictures and movies I was creating in my head that were contributing to my fear. Once I played around with those images my fear diminished considerably. Also reading and gathering knowledge about aviation risks helped me also realise the absurdity of that particular fear. 

 However my biggest fear to date I would say was or is fear of public speaking. So how have I learnt to manage this fear and speak in public? 

 Fear, like sadness, anger and joy is an important emotion. It signals danger and propels us to take action towards safety. However in some cases it can be experienced out of context and out of proportion to the situation. That is when it is important to delve into it and start exploring it. 

“Most of us experience fear as a kind of stop sign or flashing red light that warns: “Danger! Do not enter!” But we may need to decide that signal and consider what it’s trying to convey. What is the actual nature of the danger? Is it past or present, real or imagined? Are we feeling anxious because we are boldly charting new territory, or because we’re about to do something stupid?”

     - Harriet Learner, Ph.D., The Dance Of Fear

 

Fear is a misunderstood emotion. Experiencing fear is unpleasant and so we rush to block it, suppress it, ignore it or avoid the situations that cause it to arise in us. In the right context it is important to take measures for safety, however when it is out of context then we need to pay more attention to fear instead of blocking or ignoring it. That is because fear carries important messages about our past experiences and clues to understanding our behaviours in the present.

 Dr Pippa Grange writes that there are two types of fear: the one that is appropriate in the right context of a crisis which she calls in-the-moment fear, and the other type of fear that is out of sync with the situation and rules our lives, affects our choices and leaves us unfulfilled. She refers to this type as the not-good-enough fear. She echoes what Harriet Lerner wrote and adds that the not-good-enough fear is mixed up with what happened in the past and what might happen in the future.  Something that was true with my fear of public speaking. 

 I realised I had a fear of public speaking in my early twenties when I started university in the UK. Not only did I discover that I was terrified to stand in front of an audience and speak, I was also ashamed about having such a fear and so did not want anyone to know about it. This added to my stress as it meant that in addition to fear of public speaking, I was afraid of being exposed as having fear of public speaking. I believed that I would be laughed at and ridiculed if others found out. It meant that every time I needed to stand up and speak before an audience I was using lots of energy to block and also disguise my fear. I can tell you that it was exhausting and left me drained and unable to enjoy the experience. 

 My way of managing this fear at first was to avoid speaking in public. However there were times when I couldn’t avoid it as my grades depended on it. In those situations I suffered tremendously before, during and after the event. 

 Yet at the same time I wanted to share important thoughts and ideas with people. I felt often that I had meaningful things to talk about that can make a positive difference in people’s lives and perhaps offer them clarity or alleviate their pain. This drove me to explore more deeply my fear by first allowing myself to be exposed to it, which meant doing the very thing I feared doing, stand in front of an audience and speak through joining clubs like Toastmasters of The Hague.

 More recently during my Transactional Analysis studies I explored further my fear using the tools and concepts the course offered and also during therapy and supervision. The most transforming thing that I learnt on this emotional journey was to withstand the discomfort that engulfed my being when I experienced the fear. To sit with the fear for a bit and listen to what was happening in my body and to the possible messages and information that this fear was trying to convey. 

 I discovered that my fear was associated with childhood traumas. The fear of public speaking was a disguise to a bigger fear. Fear of being abandoned, unloved and rejected. Fear of being shamed and humiliated. Although my mind could not pinpoint specific events, my body somehow remembered and kept the score. So whenever I was in a situation that put me at the centre of attention, like speaking in public, my body reacted and signalled to me that I was in danger. Gaining that self-awareness was extremely helpful in managing my fear. I realised that my fear was a thing from the past and did not belong to the present moment. I felt gratitude and compassion towards my body and it’s attempts to protect me from what it perceived as dangerous due to past traumatic experiences. I realised that the present is different and that I am no longer facing that danger. Furthermore it is okay to be afraid sometimes. There is no shame in that and no need to hide this fact. In fact in the first speech I gave at Toastmasters I started my talk by acknowledging my fear and anxiety. This resonated with many people who later came and shared their own fears with me. These insights were also helpful in my work as a coach and counsellor as many of my clients also struggle with fears and anxieties. 

 Have I stopped being afraid of public speaking? No. However nowadays it no longer silences my authentic voice. It no longer stops me from acting with compassion and courage. By embracing my fear I was able to manage it better.

 Dr Pippa Grange, a sports psychologist, writes in her book, Fear Less, that facing our fears is a kind of growing up and is about shedding our parents’, generational and social fears. She adds that facing our fears will free us to explore our true ambitions and allow us to look at the world with a new perspective. 

“The best thing we can do with fear is to befriend it. That is, we can learn to expect, allow, and accept fear, observe it, watch it rise and fall, attend to how it feels in the body, watch it mindfully, and understand that fear will always reappear. Fear is a physiological process that cavorts and careens through our bodies and makes us miserable. Eventually it subsides — only, of course to return. The real culprits are our knee-jerk responses to fear, and the ways we try to avoid fear, anxiety, and shame.”

- Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., The Dance Of Fear

I invite you to also embrace your fear rather than freeze it. Learn to sit with the discomfort for a bit and find out what you can learn. Perhaps you might find that befriending your fear yields better results than avoiding it.

Do you want to feel better? Then move your body.

We often hear the phrase “mind over body” but not much the phrase “body over mind”. The body’s impact on the mind is what Caroline Williams, author of Move, wrote about in her book, and in an article she has written for New Scientist in May 2021 entitled Mind-altering moves. 

 I discovered a lot about how our body can affect our mind years ago during my NLP training and later on I learnt more about our body’s connection to our mental well being during my TA training. 

 Caroline confirms that neuroscience research shows that the way we move our body can change the way we think and feel and lists six ways through which we can achieve this:

 ✔ Walking/ Running

 Moving and thinking are intertwined and walking or running at a pace that feels easy for you allows the mind to wander and thus allow for broader and more creative ideas to flow. I certainly experience this every time I do some exercise. Caroline suggests that a walk is the best thing to do before an ideas meeting. These activities, when done at the right pace, have a big impact on blood flow to the brain, which increases memory and spatial awareness. 

 ✔ Strength Training

 Studies have shown that today’s sedentary life style is causing a decrease in our muscle strength. This is not only relevant to our physical health but also our mental health because strength training appears to increase grey matter in the brain and improve memory. The reason is linked to the release of a hormone called osteocalcin from bones during weight bearing exercise that has been linked to age related cognitive ability. Feeling strong, says Caroline, also positively affects our self-esteem and mental resilience possibly because “our sense of what we can achieve in the world is built on the foundation of our bodily sensations”.

 ✔ Dancing

 Bopping to music makes us feel good. It is also a natural human trait. You only have to watch what a baby does when you play music. I certainly saw this when my girls were babies. Apparently this feel good factor is “because our brains work as prediction machines that constantly make guesses about what is likely to happen next”. Therefore a regular beat is easy to predict and so provides a pleasurable sensation due to a dopamine hit every time we get it right. When this occurs repetitively, it can lead us to feel  “powerful and in control” according to music psychologist Edith Van Dyck. So we can access this kind of powerful pleasure alone, or experience bonding if we choose to do it with others. 

 ✔‍ Breathing 

 An ability to control the muscles of your chest and diaphragm, to regulate and synchronise your breath, has been shown to make a big difference to the way you think and feel, lead to deep relaxation (a state of “ being” rather than “ thinking”) and even achieve an altered state of consciousness. Wim Hoff’s method to cope with stress is heavily based on learning to control our breath. I enjoy cold showers much more when I control my breathing. 

 ✔ Posture

 Standing or sitting up straight has been associated with a positive mental attitude. New research links this to neural pathways between the brain and adrenal glands, which are responsible for the adrenaline rush caused by stress. This neural pathway also has a connection with the muscles of the core that stabilise the torso and support posture. This can explain the stress- relieving factor of exercises like Pilates, yoga and Tai chi. Therefore the more upright your posture the more confident you will feel and the less stress you will experience. This certainly helps when it comes to public speaking. 

 ✔ Stretching

 Apart from feeling good and loosening tight muscles, it seems stretching has the additional benefits of reducing inflammation and boosting our immune system through releasing adenosine triphosphate, a molecule that manages levels of inflammation, inflammation being the immune system’s response that increases in times of stress, injury or infection. Stretching also seems to stimulate drainage of toxins through the lymphatic system. This helps the mind because the less inflammation you have in your body, the less depression, chronic pain and fatigue you experience.

 Michelle Obama and Beyoncé joined forces in 2011 in a campaign to get the Nation to “move their body” to tackle obesity. What they might not have known are the benefits they also imparted to mental health. 

 Do you want to feel better? Then move your body.

“Don’t just stand there on the wall

Everybody just move your body”

- Beyoncé

The Secret To Happy Relationships

I have been preoccupied the past couple of weeks with the wedding of my daughter, who got married on the 4th of June. I took a break from all other activities in order to be fully present with her, close family members and friends, on this special occasion. We had a beautiful and joyful day. Luckily I had been practicing my ‘one leg’ dance (check previous posts) as we ended up performing it later that evening 😃. 

 In the run up to the wedding day my daughter asked me this question:

“What is the secret to a happy relationship?”

 My answer without any hesitation was:

 “The secret to a happy relationship with another, is to have a happy and healthy relationship with yourself first.”

 I truly believe in the importance of having a healthy relationship with yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with others. I also believe that this applies not only to romantic relationships but all other relationships too. This is what my life experience has revealed to me and what I later learnt when I studied human behaviour and personality. 

 When you have a healthy relationship with yourself:

 ✔ You take responsibility for your own behaviours instead of carrying the blame for everyone else’s. 

 ✔ You do not entertain the fantasy that you can fix everything and everyone, and recognise that you can only manage and bring about change in yourself. This in turn will most probably lead to changes in your environment.

 ✔ You will not always neglect yourself and put others’ needs above your own, and then feel resentful because they do not follow suit. Instead you will recognise that to give to others you need to give to yourself first. 

 ✔ You will not say yes when you actually want to say no, then feel overwhelmed and have a sense of failure because ultimately you are unable to meet all those demands you have put on yourself. 

 ✔ You will not feel constantly anxious, agitated and on shaky ground, due to self-doubt, and instead feel secure, confident and grounded with your sense of self-worth.

 ✔ You will speak to and treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you show others. 

 ✔ Having a healthy relationship with yourself means that when you disagree with another you manage the situation with the ability to still show love, kindness and respect.

 ✔ When you have a healthy relationship with yourself you will know that you are good enough. 

 From this vantage point every other relationship you form, will be healthier and happier, and if it is not, then you will spot the signs early on, and have the awareness and self-worth to intervene early on, and take steps to exit a toxic relationship or set boundaries that protect you from harm. 

 “every time I meet more of myself 

i can know and love more of you”

- Yung Pueblo, poet and philosopher

 What do you think is the secret to healthy and happy relationships? Please share your insights in the comments. 

5 Questions That Will Support Your Journey Of Change

Many of us, in our quest for self-development, personal growth and change, embark on courses, coaching packages, counseling sessions, therapy and more. However we all know that change can be difficult and as we are creatures of habit, acquiring new habits and new healthier patterns of behaviour can be challenging. When it comes to our journey of change, we may resist, self-sabotage, distract from or give up altogether on our attempts at transforming ourselves.

 What can we do to support our work towards self-development? How can we ensure that we follow through and stay on the path towards growth and change? What can keep us motivated when the going gets tough? How can we prevent ourselves from throwing in the towel and giving up on ourselves?

 Below are some questions to ask yourself and reflect upon that may be helpful. Answering those questions forms a contract, not with another, but a contract with yourself that you can adhere to and honour. I was introduced to this concept of making a contract, during my Transactional Analysis studies and I found it extremely helpful.  

 Let me share it with you.

 Get a piece of paper or a notebook and answer the following five questions as honestly as you can. Do this exercise, when you are about to embark on a programme or any kind of work that is towards your self-development, and that will involve you making profound changes in your life. Take time to reflect after each question and then write your answers down.

 These are the 5 questions to ask yourself:

 1      What do I want to change for myself by doing this work or being on this programme and why?

Answering this question will help you identify your needs and wants and clarify the reasons or purpose that is igniting your need for change. It helps you to see the benefits clearly and fires up your passion and your feelings of excitement. You need to know what you want before you can seek it.

 2      What steps do I need to take to achieve this?

This helps you identify what you already have at your disposal and what you are lacking by way of skills, knowledge or support. Maybe you need to organize childcare in order to be available for certain course dates for example and set the right environment for you to focus. . It can also help break the task down into smaller more achievable bite size pieces and thus reduce overwhelm.

 3      How will I know when I’ve made this change? And how will others know?

This is an important question because if you don’t know how the change you are seeking will look like, sound like or feel like, then you will not know when you have achieved it. It also creates a momentum towards a vision of the future that you want. Is it about demonstrating a change of behaviour in certain situations, or about mastering a new way of communicating and relating, or perhaps about managing stress better?

 4      How will I sabotage myself and what steps can I put in place to prevent this?

This will bring into your awareness the negative patterns of thinking or behaving that you have engaged in in the past, that got in the way of achieving what you want. It can also alert you to any obstacles that might stand in your way. Once you identify these patterns or obstacles then you can notice them early when they creep up and have some preventative ways planned ahead of how to manage them.

 5      How will I celebrate the success of change and with whom?

We often neglect this last step, which is extremely important. We must allow time and space to celebrate our successes, however small, instead of brushing them off and rushing into our next project. Take a pause and enjoy the moment with those that love you and support you. Plan a date for a party or a few days away to mark the successful end.

 Once you are done with this exercise, I suggest that you keep this piece of writing somewhere safe and re-visit it every time you feel that your motivation is waning or when the going gets tough.

 If you would like to explore this sort of work further then do get in touch and take advantage of my 15 minutes free call.

Why April is my favourite month of the year

I was born on the 10th of April, yet for the first 10 years of my life I was told mistakenly that my birthday was on the 27th of March. I remember not feeling emotionally aligned with that date and only later, when my mother told me the correct date I was induced into the world, that I understood why. Yes the 10th of April felt good, it felt right. 

 I turn 60 this April. The most striking thing for me at this moment is the fact that I am so much happier at 60 than I was when 16, and that at 60, I still feel the curiosity, the excitement, the spontaneity and playfulness of a 6 year old. I am reminded by a piece of writing I came across ages ago that describes how a woman sees herself through the different ages. At 60, it says that,  “She looks at herself and thinks of all those who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore and goes out and conquers the world.” (Find the link to the full piece below).

 April also marks the anniversary of my business. It was pure coincidence, or perhaps a magical thing from the universe, that I ended up later on in life launching my practice Recipes4Change in this very month. I remember how at a networking event I handed out small bags of chocolate eggs with my business card since the launch coincided with Easter.

 As some of you might know, I was not always in the role of coach and counsellor. I previously worked as a pharmacist for many years. How come, I get asked, I made this transition from a lucrative job to a role that many view as financially uncertain and less stable? 

 The answer involves a story, a personal story. 

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candour, more unashamed conversation.”

- Glenn Close

 If you follow me on social media or read my blogs you will know that I do not hide the fact that I struggled emotionally and mentally in the earlier years of my life. A combination of an unsettled and traumatic early 5 years of my life, coupled with facing racism and discrimination later on, resulted in me making distorted decisions about who I am and what I can and cannot be and do in my life. It was through coaching and counselling that I grew myself up again, let go of those decisions, and reclaimed my self-worth bit by bit. It was during those sessions that my curiosity about the things that impact how we think, feel and behave was further ignited. Those sessions were later complimented with studies and qualifications in the field of human personality, behaviour and communication.

 Those around me who observed my transformation asked for my support in various emotional issues that they were facing. Through supporting others I discovered my true purpose and my passion. This kind of work felt meaningful and rewarding. That is why I left pharmacy and set up Recipes4Change in April 2012. 

 Through sharing some aspects of my personal life and the empowering concepts that I have learnt and continue to practice, I want to promote an important message, which is that there is no shame in seeking support when life becomes too heavy and you are struggling emotionally and mentally. The stigma that many hold that people with emotional issues are crazy is obsolete. We now know better than that. Taking care of your mental and emotional well-being is not crazy. It is a sign that in fact, you are sane. You not only owe it to yourself to care for your mental and emotional well- being, but also to those around you. When you are not happy and emotionally healthy then you tend to take it out on those closest to you and this way pass on unhealthy patterns of being and doing from generation to generation. Through your unhealed emotional wounds you inflict wounds on others around you. All your relationships will be negatively impacted because essentially you neglect to pay attention to the most important relationship of all, your relationship with yourself. 

“Nothing is as powerful as an idea whose time has come.”

- Victor Hugo

 If this idea of prioritising our emotional and mental well-being grows, then perhaps we will have less suicide attempts, less depression and anxiety, and less abuse and violence. 

 Yes, April is my favourite month of the year because it reminds me of something much bigger than me. Plus nature blooms and flourishes in April, just like I did through receiving therapy, and like my idea to set up my practice bloomed in my soul so many years ago. 

 Thank you for being part of my network and professional journey, for your trust and support, and for sharing your expertise, thoughts and ideas. 

 This April marks 10 years of my practice and I am giving 10% discount on sessions throughout the whole month of April to the first 10 people that request it via commenting below or by direct messaging me. 

 Join me in spirit in celebrating the month of April, in which my business and I were born.

 Cheers everyone!

https://www.scrapbook.com/quotes/doc/21939.HTML’s 

What is the most important quality in a leader?

“Is being a leader a choice or a skill set?”

 A question posed by Alastair James during the latest Purpose Collective conversation I attended. During the breakout room discussion that followed, someone mentioned how at school some of us were told that you could either be a leader or a follower. It occurred to me in that moment that, as a young person, I never saw myself as a leader because I was way too emotionally reactive and had zero self-confidence.

 I grew up in an environment that discriminated against people who look like me. The rejection and the feeling of not belonging chipped at my sense of identity, and self-worth. I did not have the confidence to speak up or share my creative thoughts and ideas for fear of being ridiculed. In addition, my need to belong and feel accepted meant that my focus was on meeting the needs of others and neglecting my own. This environment did not offer me safety to be me or to make mistakes. I bottled up my emotions and tried hard to adapt to the expectations of others around me and in that process I temporarily lost myself.

“Sometimes, it is only in the getting lost that we can find our way back home.” 

-Jeanette LeBlanc, speaker, coach & mentor 

When you grow up in a challenging environment you instinctively develop patterns of thinking and behaving to survive that harsh environment. You carry those behaviours unconsciously into adulthood and they become part of your skill set and character traits. However what served you so well as a child can become an obstacle in your adult life. For example in my case, caring for others is great, however not so great when it is at the expense of neglecting my own self-care.

 To be able to meet the needs of others I developed great powers of observation and an ability to read people and anticipate what they might do next. That ensured my safety and protection in the past. By being discriminated against and ‘othered' , I became someone who can empathise, show compassion and understanding towards people who have been viewed or treated as intrinsically different. Instead of being angry and bitter, I was curious about people’s behaviours including my own. In my curiosity I often asked myself the question “How” instead of “Why”. How do we become the way we are? How do we develop certain ways of thinking, feeling and behaving? What are the factors in our environment that influence this? More importantly, is it possible for people to change, if so, then how? The fact that I survived childhood traumas also demonstrates a degree of resilience and perseverance. I was not fully aware that those qualities were my signature strengths when it comes to leadership. As a coach I observe a similar lack of awareness in some of the clients I work with. I make sure that our work together re-connects them with those forgotten inner strengths.

 Many years later when I started my career as a pharmacist, my hard work paid off and I got promoted. Promotion thrust me in leadership positions and my emotional and mental struggles made this role difficult. I inevitably made mistakes along the way, which, in some cases, deepened the wounds from childhood.

 In my thirties I finally got the coaching and counselling I so needed and desired, and that brought about a wonderful transformation within me and outside of me. The counselling addressed a lot of the distorted decisions I made about myself and others as a result of childhood trauma, and that positively impacted my role as a leader.

 ✨ My self-esteem and confidence grew.

✨ I became more responsive instead of being reactive.

✨ The care I gave to my emotional and mental well-being meant, that as a leader, I am also able to convey to members of the team this same important message.

✨ It meant caring for others without neglecting my own self-care.

✨ It meant being open and curious about what I can learn when mistakes are made, instead of being hard and unforgiving of myself.

✨ It meant having the ability to be honest without being hurtful, to listen to feedback without feeling shame and rejection, and to create a safe environment where we can all enjoy together the journey of learning and discovery.

 Most importantly I found my voice and dared to speak up and share my thoughts and ideas especially on the subject of emotional and mental health. My vulnerability became my strength. We can’t shine bright without acknowledging that we all do have a dark side that is in need of change. 

“I raise up my voice-not so I can shout but so that those without a voice can be heard...we cannot succeed when half of us are held back.”

―Malala Yousafzai, an activist for female education and a Nobel Peace Prize laureate

Taking care of my mental and emotional health was a game changer for me on the personal and professional front. Nowadays I find myself again in a leadership role in my work with ACCESS, alongside my coaching practice, at The Hague International Centre, where I lead a team of amazing, talented and skilled individuals, navigating their own personal challenges as well as supporting internationals to have a smooth transition into the Netherlands. We work well together as a team despite our cultural, religious, gender, and age differences. Perhaps that is what makes us so suited at providing a service to a similar diverse audience.  

 I think that we always have a choice when it comes to leadership. We can choose what kind of leader we want to be and, with that in mind, take the necessary steps to acquire the skills needed to be that leader.

 I believe that there is a leader in every one of us. We are influencing someone somewhere all of the time. This is not the case only at work but at home too. As a parent you are the shining example for your kids. What you say and do will form a big part of their life values. Therefore we all have the responsibility to personally develop ourselves so we become a healthy example to be followed. This may mean doing the work necessary to heal our wounds, understand how the past has impacted our personality and behaviour and learn the tools necessary to grow ourselves up again into leaders that can demonstrate the qualities that Alastair shared with us: care, courage, curiosity, collaboration, candour and consistency. To lead effectively it is paramount that you first take care of your emotional and mental health so you are leading through responding to the current reality and not to wounds and triggers from your past. 

 To lead when thrust in a leadership position might not be a conscious choice but how to lead is!

Are you feeling stuck?

Stuck in an unwanted job?

Stuck in a toxic relationship?

Stuck in a state of indecision?

“I feel stuck.” This is a common phrase that some clients say to me when they come to the sessions. 

“Stuckness” is often the result of an inner conflict between two parts inside us. The Parent part,  that took on all the parental messages from childhood about what we should or shouldn’t do, and the Child part in us, that wants to satisfy our needs and wants. Both of these parts are operating on information from our past personal history. To be able to resolve the conflict and get unstuck, we need to come back to the present moment and use the information available to us in the here and now. That is to access the Adult part in us, which focuses on current reality. 

We also get stuck as a result of denying our reality. As long as we are in the denial loop we stay in the stuck loop. This happens when we live our lives according to old decisions we have made in the past. We are no longer aware of these decisions yet we are still following them automatically. The behaviours resulting from these decisions are no longer useful to us, yet we still defend those behaviours and carry on. The act of defending behaviours that are no longer useful in the present moment is called denial or discounting, in Transactional Analysis terminology. 

When we discount, we are denying our responsibility to act appropriately in relation to a current reality. We can discount on four different levels: 

🙈Discount that a problem exists - no problem. 

🙈Discount the seriousness of the problem - not serious.

🙈Discount the solvability of the problem - no solution.

🙈Discount our ability to find options to resolve the problem - no self capacity.

We can discount ourselves and others. 

When we think, feel and behave from one of these discounts then we feel stuck and powerless to change the situation. We can’t change the things that we continue to deny the existence of. 

The first step to getting unstuck and feeling empowered is to bring to awareness and explore on a deeper level those inner conflicts, the discounting patterns and past decisions that are still influencing our present life. 

Does this resonate? Would you like to explore your personal situation further? 

Get in touch. 

Burnout, a blessing or a curse?

I have worked with a few clients who have shared with me that they have experienced burnout several times in their lives, and they are afraid of experiencing it yet again.

 As always I do all that I can to fully understand my clients’ experience, be it taking on more courses, attending workshops, reading a book or tapping into my own personal experience. In this quest I came across a book written by Dr Dina Glouberman, entitled The Joy of Burnout. Yes you read correctly, Joy! As I read it and reflected, I was reminded of a very challenging time I went through just prior to starting my coaching practice.

 I set up my coaching practice, Recipes4change, almost 10 years ago. What I did not realise then, but fully comprehend now, was that the symptoms I have experienced just prior to setting it up were in fact burnout. I worked for many years as a pharmacist and enjoyed it. However what I really enjoyed about the job had nothing to do with pharmaceuticals and more to do with human connection and a desire to make a difference. In those times I remember that patients often talked to me about issues that were not directly related to their medicines. They felt comfortable, safe and had enough trust in me to share their troubles. What I observed was that often the fact that I took time to listen and acknowledge their issues was sometimes enough to make them feel better. I in turn also felt good after those interactions and wanted to give more of my time to this kind of work.  It took some more years for me to become aware of my true passion and even more years to envision it. Yet fear stood in the way. Burnout finally got me to face my fears, and was the final catalyst that spurred me into taking a series of actions that led to the work that I do today. I quit pharmacy work for good and put my focus on my coaching and counselling training and practice. In doing so I reaped the joys of my burnout. The book has many such personal stories.

 Dr Glouberman, a psychotherapist and formerly a Senior Lecturer in Psychology, and someone who experienced burnout herself, says, “when we burnout, it is our old personality that burns itself out. Then our soul fire begins to light our way and to bring us joy.”

 Her words resonate with me and seem in sync with an article I came across during my Transactional Analysis (TA) training. The article explores further, and from a TA perspective, a research carried out in 1975 by German- born American psychologist Herbert Freudenberger, who classified different personality types that are vulnerable to burnout. He found a link between the phenomenon of burnout and a person’s identity as a professional. He classified three personality types:

 1-The Dedicated & Committed:

Who work hard to meet the increasing demands made upon them and do not question those that make such demands. This person is not able to say no because of a belief system that the needs of others are more worthy than their own needs. They tend to feel good about themselves through the service to others. When their efforts meet with less success, they work even harder and get caught in a vicious cycle of hard work, frustration and become less efficient and ineffective.  This compounds feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Such personality types over- identify with the people they serve.

 2- The Overcommitted & Work Enmeshed: 

Who indeed are overcommitted with an unsatisfactory private life and work becomes their only source of meaning and worth. They have no real boundaries between their professional and personal lives. They become over involved in their work environment and spend more and more time at work. 

 3-The Authoritarian & Patronising:

Who need to be in control and believe that no one else can do the job as well they can. They believe that others are inadequate and incompetent and need micromanaging and controlling. 

 Do you see aspects of yourself in any of those personality types? I recognise behaviours that I used to exhibit in the past that fit in with the first type, the dedicated & committed. I used to always put others’ needs above my own and certainly struggled to say no.

 Dr Glouberman outlines also a typical burnout profile that shows some similarity to the above personality types. In her book she writes that those prone to burnout tend to be:

-       Ambitious, high achievers with high energy

-       Enthusiastic, work hard and do whatever is needed and at any cost

-       Perceive themselves as holding together situations that they perceive would fall apart without them

-       Think that they are unlimited in energy, superwomen or supermen

-       Generally driven and have a high need to be needed or approved of

-       Have a pattern of overdoing and over-giving without a regard for themselves

She says that all of these are patterns that may have begun way back in childhood when in our families we felt loved for what we achieved or gave, rather than for being who we are.

 If we read those above profiles and classifications, it is no surprise that when we give so much of ourselves, coupled with an environment that is not supportive, understanding or appreciative, we can sometimes burn out. My clients’ fears of re- experiencing burnout again is valid, because often it is not a one off event, and can recur again in different forms and different areas of our lives, including within intimate relationships, until we do the work necessary to address the underlying issues and process the messages that burnout is trying to convey to us. In this way burnout can lead to powerful transformations and challenge us to create a new way of life.

 We tend to experience burnout in the areas that are close to our heart and soul and where we invest our creativity. They are also the very same areas from which we draw our sense of identity and belonging. When things are going well and our efforts are met with appreciation or reward, we feel energised and vibrant and life seems positive and successful. It is when something upsets this picture that we become candidates to burnout. That was exactly my personal experience almost a decade ago.

 The general message of the book is that burnout, although a painful experience, can ultimately lead to positive results if we are open to its message of examining our personal and professional life and see if we are living the life we want and that our work reflects who we truly are. 

 Burnout is simply the body’s way to let us know that we have reached the end of a particular path, yet we are refusing to acknowledge this fact. By having burnout we are forced to slow down, sometimes, even stop for a while, reflect and re-assess. This can allow us to connect again to our true self and acknowledge that the way we have been leading our lives before is not working and we need to make a change going forward.

 I am glad that I had courage to do the work necessary, with the support of a professional, to understand my patterns and my needs, to gain awareness of how my personal history impacted my beliefs and behaviours and to work on my fears and to re- connect with my true self. The awareness I gained coupled with my willingness to change and follow a new path meant that I was finally able to be who I want to be and do what I want to do.

 I wish that too for all my clients and I will share what I know to support their growth.

 This book, alongside working with a professional, can be helpful to those who have experienced burnout, those going through it right now and to those who would like to learn how to recognise the signs early in order to prevent burnout. 

The One Thing You Can Do To Ensure Healthy Parenting

When I became a mother for the first time I remember being very anxious, over-protective and obsessively worrying about the safety of my daughter. I thought that it was part and parcel of motherhood. However I observed that not all parents around me were exhibiting the same behaviour. This made me curious. 

When my daughter was six months old, I remember being gripped with anxiety as I watched her happily playing with her toys on the living room floor. It struck me then that I was exactly that age when my mother left me and went on a scholarship abroad. This was the first realisation that slowly exposed the root cause of my anxiety and overly protective attitude. Unconsciously, my daughter at that age, was reminding me on a bodily level, of the emotions I went through when I was at her age. I was unaware that my own childhood experience was contaminating my parenting behaviour in that present moment. 

Parenting is by far the most important role we may encounter with probably the least amount of formal training and preparation. We tend to either parent the way we were parented or do the extreme opposite. 

However there is a more balanced way to be the best parent you can be. How? By investing in your own personal growth and development. By reflecting on your own childhood experience and upbringing so you can become more self-aware and learn healthy ways to stop passing on negative patterns from generation to generation. 

My desire to be a better parent motivated me to invest in my own emotional and mental well-being and in my own personal growth and development. I was, thus, able to explore and reflect on my own upbringing so that I could identify and understand my own discomforts in the hope of not passing them on to my children. This supported me in learning healthy ways of relating to myself and others, most importantly to my children. This allowed me to process my inherited fear and anxiety so I could stop passing it on to my daughters. 

You also can make such an investment in yourself. It will help you reshape that parenting link that stretches way back to your ancestors and way forward to the next generations to come. This ensures that you pass on the good stuff from your own upbringing and hold back on the unhealthy aspects of it. 

If you had a healthy and happy childhood then this exercise of examining your childhood is unlikely to be painful. However for many of us that was not the case and therefore looking back on our childhood may bring emotional discomfort. However the rewards for the present and future far outweigh this discomfort.

As Philippa Perry, a renowned psychotherapist, writes in her book entitled, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, “It is necessary to become more self-aware around that discomfort so that we can become more mindful of ways to stop us passing it on. So much of what we have inherited sits just outside of our awareness. That makes it hard sometimes to know whether we are reacting in the here and now to our child’s behaviour or whether our responses are more rooted in our past.” 

It is not about being a perfect parent. I personally do not believe in such a thing. As Perry says, children need parents to be real and authentic , not perfect. It is about reflecting on your own childhood experience in order to understand how it may have an effect on your parenting. It is about accepting that you will make mistakes and how to learn from those mistakes. It is about letting go of judgment of yourself and others. It is about improving your chances of having a healthy relationship with your children so they in turn will be able to perpetuate that healthy relationship with their children. 

It is important as parents that we do not feel disheartened when inevitably we make mistakes that can be hurtful. Hurts and misunderstandings are common in intimate family relationships. What is important is that when we realise our mistakes we take steps to mend the hurt. 

Perry stresses that it is not the rupture that is important, it is the repair that matters. In other words mending the hurt. This can be achieved through working on changing the way we respond through recognising our triggers and using that awareness to behave differently as parents. My personal experience confirms this. Feel proud at noticing the issues and taking steps to bring about a positive change.

As parents we play a major role in our child’s environment, which in turn plays a big part in forming the unique person that our child will be. Healthy parenting starts with looking at you, how you feel about yourself and how much responsibility you are willing to take for your behaviour. If you are a parent or considering becoming one then I highly recommend reading Perry’s book. 

Contact me if you are interested to explore this further.