A Simple Approach To Improve Your Communication
Miscommunication issues commonly arise when we can only see our own perspective and when we make wrong assumptions about the perspectives of others.
I am reminded of an incident years ago during my first couple of years living in the Netherlands when I used to take my daughters to swimming lessons. The cafe in the building formed a waiting area where all parents and children converged and waited in between lessons. One waiter served the entire cafe and everyone complained about how rude and unfriendly he was. I had recently finished my NLP studies and was starting to view the world differently. It was true that the waiter’s behaviour was rude and unfriendly however I was curious to explore beyond the surface impression so I took my focus from him and onto the surroundings.
The environment was that of total chaos. Noisy children running riot and school bags strewed everywhere. I thought to myself that if I had his job I would probably also be grumpy and possibly rude. That shift in perspective affected my behaviour such that when I went to order coffee and snacks I spoke to him from a place of compassion instead of animosity. Before I made my order that day I acknowledged the difficulty he faced regularly in managing such a crowd. His body immediately changed. He softened and agreed that yes it was difficult. He felt seen and heard. His situation was acknowledged. He then sweetly told me to take a seat and, to the astonishment of all the other parents, he brought my order to my table. On many future occasions he even helped my daughters with their Dutch homework which they did while waiting for their swimming lesson. The grumpy waiter was a nice person after all.
The reality is that we have no control over the behaviour of others but we have total control over our own. Often you can have an influence on the behaviour of others by starting with changing your own. Newton’s third law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. By changing the action you can ultimately change the reaction.
I changed my focus and perspective in order to view the world from the waiter’s perspective. That produced a shift in my thinking, feeling and therefore behaviour, which in turn impacted the waiter’s thinking, feeling and therefore his behaviour. Our communication was much improved because it came from a place of compassion, understanding and a wider frame of reference. We were able to really see each other as we were in that moment in time. I could see his viewpoint as a waiter managing a difficult crowd and he could see me as a parent navigating children between home, school and after school activities. We empathised with each other instead of taking out our frustrations on each other.
Many of my clients tell me about their communication issues. They often feel hurt that they get negative responses when their intentions were positive. They tend to put their focus on blaming others and wanting to change them. In our work together I bring them back to themselves. What can they change in their thinking, feeling and behaviour in order to get a different outcome? How can they change their actions in order to bring out a different reaction? Are they able, for a moment, to embody the other person and view the world from their perspective? That often, on its own, brings positive results.
Of course there are other aspects that influence our communication that are connected with regressing into our past where we use present people and situations to resolve past issues. Transactional Analysis offers many concepts that can help process and resolve those issues. However the simple approach I mention above can on its own bring profound change.
Please get in touch if you are experiencing communication issues and would like to explore resourceful ways of enhancing your interactions with others.
