How Intimate Are You In Your Relationships?
Opening up to someone needs courage because this act carries risks and rewards. The risk has to do with not knowing how they will respond to seeing your naked soul, to witnessing you at your most vulnerable. By choosing to avoid the risk you also avoid the pain associated with disappointment and perhaps rejection. However in playing it safe and avoiding pain you also might perhaps miss out on the rewards of love and acceptance, on the chance of experiencing a true connection and developing a meaningful and intimate relationship with another.
How quickly or slowly we are willing to open up to another is impacted by our old as well as recent personal history. How safe and trusting our first ever attachments were when we were children and at our most vulnerable stage in life. More recently by whether we have experienced a painful betrayal of some kind.
However no matter your history, healing and change is possible and you can learn to trust and open up again. You only can decide how, when and to whom to open up. You only can decide whether the rewards are worth the risks.
The topic of daring to open up and show your true self to another often comes up in sessions with clients. Many find it difficult to show their vulnerability or be authentically themselves even with close friends and family members. They mask their fear, swallow their sadness and bottle their anger. I can relate as I too have experienced difficulties in the past with being authentic with others and myself.
The habit of suppressing parts of ourselves starts in childhood where we forgo authenticity in favour of attachment. This reminds me of a piece of theory from Transactional Analysis called Time Structuring, which I do share with my clients. It allows us to explore how intensely we spend time with others and ourselves.
Time Structuring proposes that as humans we have a need to structure our time and relationships. We do that by moving through six modes: Withdrawal, Rituals, Pastimes, Activities, Psychological Games, and Intimacy.
In Withdrawal we spend time isolated and out of contact with others and this may be physically, emotionally or both. We might be present physically but absent emotionally. We all need a degree of time to ourselves to get grounded and re-charged so some withdrawal time is necessary. Having a balance is important as too much withdrawal can lead to depression and anxiety. On the other hand a total absence of time to oneself can also negatively impact mental health, as connection to oneself is as important as connection to others.
In Rituals we go through a familiar, safe and predictable pattern of interacting like shaking hands and saying “Hello, how are you?” Rituals provide comfort, a sense of belonging, and a way in into more intense conversations. They are culturally and trans-generationally based.
Pastimes is where we engage in polite and superficial conversations about safe topics such as the weather, food, jobs or hobbies. They happen typically at parties, social gatherings or in the waiting time before a formal group meeting. You certainly wouldn’t talk about personal stuff at this stage however Pastimes do form the basis for the selection of acquaintances, and are a tentative way of exploring greater closeness with others.
Activities can sometimes be combined with Pastimes and are usually goal directed such as attending meetings or playing hockey. It is time spent doing things together be it at home or at work. It can be fun and possibly a way of avoiding intimate contact.
Psychological Games, in brief, are a series of interactions with others with a concealed motivation, and which end up with both parties experiencing familiar bad feelings. Here there is a social level interaction with an underlying and hidden psychological level interaction.
Games are re-plays of childhood strategies that are no longer appropriate when grown up. Games can be seen as a failed attempt to be intimate with another person, as both parties do not take the full risk of being open and authentic with each other. The result is a repetitive pattern of interacting from set roles.
Intimacy is when we have an authentic encounter with another, a moment of shared openness, trust and honesty. In intimacy there are no hidden messages as the social and psychological level interactions are congruent. Intimacy means emotionally intimate, not necessarily sexually intimate. It also doesn’t necessarily mean nice and peaceful. An intimate interaction can involve an angry argument. The difference is that both parties are open and respectful and able to articulate their thoughts and feelings respectfully. Each person accepts his or her own responsibility for the outcome instead of blaming the other. In Intimacy we experience the highest level of emotional intensity as well as taking the greatest risks as we do face the possibility of being rejected or ridiculed.
In a lot of our relationships it’s the moments of emotional intimacy that may be missing and which are so important to us all. Intimacy is an exchange of authentic wants and feelings and the offering of our authentic selves in relationships is a way to connection. All modes of time structuring can be viewed as a route into greater connection as we have observed during the COVID lockdowns when we were forced to withdraw and as a consequence we longed to connect through any and every aspect of time structuring.
So it is clear that as we move from one mode to another, the risks are higher and so are the rewards.
Again how much time we stay in each mode and how quickly we move from one mode to the next is related to our personal history. Working with a practitioner can help you unpack your personal history and become more self-aware of how you structure your time at home and at work, and how this is impacting your relationships. Perhaps with this awareness you might like to make some changes. This kind of self-awareness can lead you to have a healthy connection with self so you can access your inner resources and creativity, and in turn develop more intimate relationships with others.
