The Strength Of Tears And Laughter

“𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘦𝘥, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘱𝘵.”

- Khalil Gibran

I came across the above quote recently and it got me reflecting. 

I do observe that most of us can easily laugh with strangers. While we only weep with those with whom we feel safe, and have a trusting relationship. Perhaps it is because when we weep, we do so in times of emotional distress. In these moments we are showing a part of ourselves we don’t typically share with others, hence making that shared experience with that person unforgettable. 

In addition, we are reluctant to cry in public due to the fact that society has conditioned us that crying is a sign of weakness. This is especially so in cultures that have instilled in us a ‘𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨’ attitude where laughing is permitted but weeping is not. So, when we feel safe enough to let our guard down in front of another, and let them witness our emotional rawness, we create a special bond with that person as they make us feel seen, heard and acknowledged. No wonder they become unforgettable. 

Yet laughter is also an intense emotion, and those with whom we have laughed hard, and with whom we have shared meaningful joy are also unforgettable. Both laughter and tears have their own kind of power to build intimacy, yet the way society frames crying as “𝘯𝘦𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦”, and laughing as “𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦” plays into how we perceive both types of experiences. We associate crying with weakness, discomfort or shame, especially if done in public. On the other hand, laughing is linked to happiness, connection, and joy which society tends to value more openly. 

You don’t hear anyone apologising for laughing in public, while many apologise for crying in public. You are perceived as losing control for crying but not for laughing. As a result, crying is often done alone in isolation and is linked to emotions that are not seen by society as acceptable.  Meanwhile laughter is celebrated and viewed as an expression of well-being which is why people feel safer to express it in public. 

Therefore, the moments we cry with someone might seem more meaningful because we are breaking through societal pressures. 

I believe that both the act of crying and laughing with someone are equally profound. They are both a natural release of intense emotions, and it would be great if society stopped celebrating one and putting down the other. This can create a culture where all emotional expression is accepted without shame. 

Hopefully this way we can all feel empowered to be more open and to embrace both our tears and laughter. 

Whether it is through tears or laughter, these moments of emotionally connecting with others are unforgettable. 

What are your thoughts? 

How Intimate Are You In Your Relationships?

Opening up to someone needs courage because this act carries risks and rewards. The risk has to do with not knowing how they will respond to seeing your naked soul, to witnessing you at your most vulnerable. By choosing to avoid the risk you also avoid the pain associated with disappointment and perhaps rejection. However in playing it safe and avoiding pain you also might perhaps miss out on the rewards of love and acceptance, on the chance of experiencing a true connection and developing a meaningful and intimate relationship with another. 

How quickly or slowly we are willing to open up to another is impacted by our old as well as recent personal history. How safe and trusting our first ever attachments were when we were children and at our most vulnerable stage in life. More recently by whether we have experienced a painful betrayal of some kind. 

However no matter your history, healing and change is possible and you can learn to trust and open up again. You only can decide how, when and to whom to open up. You only can decide whether the rewards are worth the risks. 

The topic of daring to open up and show your true self to another often comes up in sessions with clients. Many find it difficult to show their vulnerability or be authentically themselves even with close friends and family members. They mask their fear, swallow their sadness and bottle their anger. I can relate as I too have experienced difficulties in the past with being authentic with others and myself.

The habit of suppressing parts of ourselves starts in childhood where we forgo authenticity in favour of attachment. This reminds me of a piece of theory from Transactional Analysis called Time Structuring, which I do share with my clients. It allows us to explore how intensely we spend time with others and ourselves. 

Time Structuring proposes that as humans we have a need to structure our time and relationships. We do that by moving through six modes: Withdrawal, Rituals, Pastimes, Activities, Psychological Games, and Intimacy. 

In Withdrawal we spend time isolated and out of contact with others and this may be physically, emotionally or both. We might be present physically but absent emotionally. We all need a degree of time to ourselves to get grounded and re-charged so some withdrawal time is necessary. Having a balance is important as too much withdrawal can lead to depression and anxiety. On the other hand a total absence of time to oneself can also negatively impact mental health, as connection to oneself is as important as connection to others. 

In Rituals we go through a familiar, safe and predictable pattern of interacting like shaking hands and saying “Hello, how are you?” Rituals provide comfort, a sense of belonging, and a way in into more intense conversations. They are culturally and trans-generationally based.

Pastimes is where we engage in polite and superficial conversations about safe topics such as the weather, food, jobs or hobbies. They happen typically at parties, social gatherings or in the waiting time before a formal group meeting. You certainly wouldn’t talk about personal stuff at this stage however Pastimes do form the basis for the selection of acquaintances, and are a tentative way of exploring greater closeness with others. 

Activities can sometimes be combined with Pastimes and are usually goal directed such as attending meetings or playing hockey. It is time spent doing things together be it at home or at work. It can be fun and possibly a way of avoiding intimate contact.

Psychological Games, in brief, are a series of interactions with others with a concealed motivation, and which end up with both parties experiencing familiar bad feelings. Here there is a social level interaction with an underlying and hidden psychological level interaction. 

Games are re-plays of childhood strategies that are no longer appropriate when grown up. Games can be seen as a failed attempt to be intimate with another person, as both parties do not take the full risk of being open and authentic with each other. The result is a repetitive pattern of interacting from set roles.

Intimacy is when we have an authentic encounter with another, a moment of shared openness, trust and honesty. In intimacy there are no hidden messages as the social and psychological level interactions are congruent. Intimacy means emotionally intimate, not necessarily sexually intimate. It also doesn’t necessarily mean nice and peaceful. An intimate interaction can involve an angry argument. The difference is that both parties are open and respectful and able to articulate their thoughts and feelings respectfully. Each person accepts his or her own responsibility for the outcome instead of blaming the other. In Intimacy we experience the highest level of emotional intensity as well as taking the greatest risks as we do face the possibility of being rejected or ridiculed. 

In a lot of our relationships it’s the moments of emotional intimacy that may be missing and which are so important to us all. Intimacy is an exchange of authentic wants and feelings and the offering of our authentic selves in relationships is a way to connection. All modes of time structuring can be viewed as a route into greater connection as we have observed during the COVID lockdowns when we were forced to withdraw and as a consequence we longed to connect through any and every aspect of time structuring.

So it is clear that as we move from one mode to another, the risks are higher and so are the rewards.

Again how much time we stay in each mode and how quickly we move from one mode to the next is related to our personal history. Working with a practitioner can help you unpack your personal history and become more self-aware of how you structure your time at home and at work, and how this is impacting your relationships. Perhaps with this awareness you might like to make some changes. This kind of self-awareness can lead you to have a healthy connection with self so you can access your inner resources and creativity, and in turn develop more intimate relationships with others. 

You Are Not Alone

 When I established my coaching practice nearly 10 years ago, I did not expect fear and anxiety to be the most common issues that my clients would present with. I remember my trainer saying, during one of my NLP certification courses, that, often we end up attracting the clients that experience the very issues that we ourselves have dealt with in our lives. As counsellors and coaches we can only take our clients as far as we have taken ourselves. As someone who has experienced fear and anxiety, I am able to understand and relate to my client’s experience. As someone who has gained understanding on how I create this state of mind and learned how to manage it, I am in a better position to support my clients in understanding and managing their own fears and anxieties. Persistence and patience are key here, as behavioural change is a gradual process.

 “The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.”
― Barack Obama, former president of the United States

 I have come to realise that the issue of fear and anxiety being so common is really not that surprising because it is the underlying cause of many other problems that clients struggle with. At the heart of low self- confidence is essentially fear of failure; at the core of avoiding relationships is fear of rejection, the act of shying from promotions could be linked to fear of presenting and public speaking; underneath social anxiety is fear of being judged; you please others at the cost of discounting yourself because of fear of being abandoned and hypochondria can be related to fear of death. The list of fears that underlies surface issues is endless. 

 Often fear and anxiety hold a person back from living an authentic and fulfilled life. I am reminded of a couple of clients that I worked with in the past. They both lived with and were held back by their respective fears. One suffered from fear of flying and the other from fear of small confined spaces. At some point an opportunity presented itself to each of them that meant getting on a plane and flying to an exotic location. They had the possibility to do something that they strongly desired and dreamed of but the fear formed a big obstacle in their way. However, their desire to live out the dream finally motivated them and gave them enough leverage to work on their fears and make a change. These were stories with happy endings.

 “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
— Marie Curie, physicist who conducted pioneering research on radioactivity

 Fear and anxiety can sometimes be so strong and paralysing that the person experiencing them can end up feeling confused and unable to perform simple tasks. One client I am supporting right now during these difficult times told me that they no longer recognise themselves, and so instead of reaching out to others for help, they shy away and isolate themselves, because of shame and embarrassment at letting others see who they have become. This isolation can take a person from being fearful and anxious to experiencing full-scale depression and even becoming suicidal. It can also put a great strain on their relationships. In such situations, conversations with a professional may be necessary and even life-saving.

 “Knowing is not enough. We must apply. Willing is not enough. We must do.”
― Bruce Lee, actor, martial artist and philosopher

 How proactive are you when it comes to your relationship with yourself and your relationships with others? Being proactive is now more important than ever before. Take action and check regularly on family members, friends or neighbours and ask how they are feeling. Do the same for yourself and monitor your thoughts and feelings frequently. Listen to yourself and others with compassion rather than judgment. If you deem it necessary then do reach out to a professional or advise others to take that necessary step. It might seem like a small and insignificant action to you, but it could mean the world to someone who is feeling alone and hopeless. Connection now is more important than ever and it can save lives.

 According to Bessel Van Der Kolk, a world-leading expert on traumatic stress and author of The Body Keeps The Score, being able to feel safe with other people is the single most important factor for maintaining mental health.  He also said that numerous studies of disaster response around the globe have shown that social support is the most powerful protection against becoming overwhelmed by stress and trauma. We are unable now to be there for each other physically, however we can still provide a lot of social support from a distance.

 “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” – Anne Frank, a diarist and a victim of the Holocaust