DECISIONS, FEAR & RAIN

We often make decisions based on an emotion.

Fear is an emotion that most often drives our decision making process. Fear signals danger and directs our mind to take an action that can hopefully get us back into safety.

However when intense fear is repeatedly experienced in the absence of real danger, then it is no longer serving to secure our survival. In these circumstances fear serves to make us feel trapped and ends up holding us back from living to our full potential.

Our emotion of fear is shaped by our personal history and can get contaminated by memories of past events. That’s why some of us fear things that for others hold no danger.

My personal history meant that I have experienced the rise and fall of fear most of my life. I often said no because I feared saying yes, and I said yes because I feared saying no. In time I have learnt to explore and befriend my fears so I can stop expending energy defending my life instead of living it; most importantly so I can make decisions from a calm instead of a reactive place. It seems that I am not alone as many of my clients have their own stories around fear and how it impacts their decision making.

So what can you do when fear, in the absence of real danger, seems to often hold you hostage and negatively impact your decision process?

“Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.”

- Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati, spiritual teacher

I personally find Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation practice extremely helpful. RAIN is an acronym for: Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture.

Recognise what is happening right in that moment and name it. What are you feeling exactly?

Allow those feelings and let them be without judgment. Don’t try to ignore them, criticise or get rid of them. On the contrary, let them be.

Investigate with a sense of curiosity and interest the sensory experience in your body. Where exactly in your body is this feeling? How is it being expressed inside of you? Ask yourself, “What am I believing is happening?” Sense if there is a core belief there. Do you perhaps feel unlovable or unworthy? How does this feel somatically in your body? Place your hand gently on whatever part of your body where you are feeling those difficult emotions. Ask yourself, “What does this vulnerable part of me need?”. Is it forgiveness, compassion, understanding, love or trust?

Nurture by intentionally offering whatever kindness is needed and is most going to serve you in that moment. Is it love, acceptance, understanding or belief in you? It can be something that you offer to yourself, or you can also imagine someone else offering it to you like a grandparent or a dear friend. Sense their presence and loving care. Communicate and offer what is being asked. Send a message that is simply helpful such as “thank you for trying to protect me but I am okay now” or “you are loved and safe now.”

Now take a moment and reflect on the situation. Notice what has shifted. What decision is now coming naturally to you? What have you learnt or discovered as a result of this practice?

It’s a simple mindful and self-compassionate practice yet very profound. As Tara says, the gift from practicing RAIN is that you start living from the truth of who you are rather than from your reactive self.

For more information you can check Tara Brach’s website: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/

Or read her book Radical Acceptance.

You Are Not Alone

 When I established my coaching practice nearly 10 years ago, I did not expect fear and anxiety to be the most common issues that my clients would present with. I remember my trainer saying, during one of my NLP certification courses, that, often we end up attracting the clients that experience the very issues that we ourselves have dealt with in our lives. As counsellors and coaches we can only take our clients as far as we have taken ourselves. As someone who has experienced fear and anxiety, I am able to understand and relate to my client’s experience. As someone who has gained understanding on how I create this state of mind and learned how to manage it, I am in a better position to support my clients in understanding and managing their own fears and anxieties. Persistence and patience are key here, as behavioural change is a gradual process.

 “The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.”
― Barack Obama, former president of the United States

 I have come to realise that the issue of fear and anxiety being so common is really not that surprising because it is the underlying cause of many other problems that clients struggle with. At the heart of low self- confidence is essentially fear of failure; at the core of avoiding relationships is fear of rejection, the act of shying from promotions could be linked to fear of presenting and public speaking; underneath social anxiety is fear of being judged; you please others at the cost of discounting yourself because of fear of being abandoned and hypochondria can be related to fear of death. The list of fears that underlies surface issues is endless. 

 Often fear and anxiety hold a person back from living an authentic and fulfilled life. I am reminded of a couple of clients that I worked with in the past. They both lived with and were held back by their respective fears. One suffered from fear of flying and the other from fear of small confined spaces. At some point an opportunity presented itself to each of them that meant getting on a plane and flying to an exotic location. They had the possibility to do something that they strongly desired and dreamed of but the fear formed a big obstacle in their way. However, their desire to live out the dream finally motivated them and gave them enough leverage to work on their fears and make a change. These were stories with happy endings.

 “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
— Marie Curie, physicist who conducted pioneering research on radioactivity

 Fear and anxiety can sometimes be so strong and paralysing that the person experiencing them can end up feeling confused and unable to perform simple tasks. One client I am supporting right now during these difficult times told me that they no longer recognise themselves, and so instead of reaching out to others for help, they shy away and isolate themselves, because of shame and embarrassment at letting others see who they have become. This isolation can take a person from being fearful and anxious to experiencing full-scale depression and even becoming suicidal. It can also put a great strain on their relationships. In such situations, conversations with a professional may be necessary and even life-saving.

 “Knowing is not enough. We must apply. Willing is not enough. We must do.”
― Bruce Lee, actor, martial artist and philosopher

 How proactive are you when it comes to your relationship with yourself and your relationships with others? Being proactive is now more important than ever before. Take action and check regularly on family members, friends or neighbours and ask how they are feeling. Do the same for yourself and monitor your thoughts and feelings frequently. Listen to yourself and others with compassion rather than judgment. If you deem it necessary then do reach out to a professional or advise others to take that necessary step. It might seem like a small and insignificant action to you, but it could mean the world to someone who is feeling alone and hopeless. Connection now is more important than ever and it can save lives.

 According to Bessel Van Der Kolk, a world-leading expert on traumatic stress and author of The Body Keeps The Score, being able to feel safe with other people is the single most important factor for maintaining mental health.  He also said that numerous studies of disaster response around the globe have shown that social support is the most powerful protection against becoming overwhelmed by stress and trauma. We are unable now to be there for each other physically, however we can still provide a lot of social support from a distance.

 “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” – Anne Frank, a diarist and a victim of the Holocaust

My 5 Steps For Managing Fear and Anxiety

Are you feeling anxious and afraid? I expect in this time of a COVID-19 pandemic many of us are.

 I know what anxiety and fear feels like. I witnessed that feeling and behaviour modelled in my dad on a regular basis while growing up. In fact many members of my extended family know what it feels like to be anxious and afraid. It’s not surprising as the experience of years of civil war in Lebanon in the 70’s and 80’s and a coup d’état in Ghana in 1979 only served to feed those feelings of fear and anxiety in us.  As always my curiosity about human behaviours led me to explore these feelings of fear and anxiety and in the process gain some valuable knowledge in addition to that from my own personal experience.  The result has not necessarily been an anxiety and fear free life, but a life where I am able to understand and manage my anxiety in order to lead a balanced, insightful and meaningful life. This experience and knowledge has also proven useful when working with clients who presented with similar symptoms.

 “Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.”– Sonia Ricotte, author and motivational speaker.

 Here are my steps on how to manage feelings of anxiety and fear. The acronym COVID makes them easy to remember. 

 The first step: Compassion, which starts with acceptance. It is perfectly okay to feel anxious and afraid, especially now when we are living in times of high uncertainty and unpredictability. Start by being kind and compassionate to yourself.  Feelings of fear and anxiety as you may already know exist for a reason - to protect us from imminent danger. Symptoms of anxiety and fear were once smart ways with which we survived difficult childhood circumstances. So instead of always viewing them as a negative let’s try and remember their positives. Let’s accept them and attempt to gain insight and understanding about their root cause and the wealth of information that they carry for us.

 “Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms.”― Paulo Coelho, novelist.

 The second step: Observation, in order to see where in your timeline you are putting your focus and attention. Fear and anxiety are hardly ever about the present moment unless you happen to be chased by a hungry lion. Often when we feel anxious and afraid, those feelings are either rooted in our past due to a traumatic or highly unpleasant experience, or they are in relation to projecting our thoughts into the future about a possible upcoming event.  That is why often when I ask my clients to replicate the anxiety and fear in the present they find that they can’t. Therefore, one way of managing your fear and anxiety is to bring your attention back to the present moment. It is the only moment that you have control over. I invite you to focus on the present moment rather than on the past or future, both of which are now out of reach, and therefore out of your control.

 “Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control It.” ― Kahlil Gibran, writer, poet, philosopher.

 The third step: Victories, from your past, which we refer to as resources: Take time to remind yourself of your strengths, because you have plenty, which you might have forgotten while you were experiencing your episodes of fear and anxiety. The chances are that it is not the first time you have had those feelings of fear and anxiety, so how did you manage them before? What positive qualities about yourself are you forgetting while focusing on your fear and anxiety? Perhaps you are a warm, engaging, funny and energetic individual. What is your family history and what lessons does that history teach you about overcoming challenges? What wisdom and strengths can you uncover from the stories you have been told about your ancestors? Remember that most of our ancestors have been through two world wars, famines, and other pandemics in times when science and technology were much less developed than now. Apart from past resources, you also have some resources from the present in the form of people who love you and support you. Lean on them a little and ask them to stop telling you to stay calm and instead just be with you, hold you and tell you that they are there for you every step of the way. They are your support network.

 “Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming.” – Robert Tew, writer.

 The fourth step: Inspiration, which is available if you are willing to seek it.  I mentioned above how you can be inspired by victories from your past. However, there is so much inspiration to be had in the present. Talk and share with others how you feel. You will discover that you are not alone. Be curious about other people’s experiences. Perhaps they can inspire you with their own stories of how they overcame these sorts of challenges. Listening to podcasts or online talks can be another source of inspiration. The other day, I signed up for an online speaking event by Elizabeth Gilbert, an American author who is best known for her 2006 memoir, Eat, Pray, Love. Her talk was about uncovering our resilience and I found a wealth of inspiration and motivation in the wisdom she shared about how to find ways to adapt in the face of adversity and times of threat and stress. These sources of inspiration can lead you to change your mind-set. This might be the first action that supports you in managing your feelings of fear and anxiety.

 “We acquire the strength we have overcome.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, lecturer, philosopher, poet.

 The fifth step: Discovery, achieved by becoming creative in finding new ways to cope and manage your anxiety and fear. This is not a distraction but a recharging of your batteries: whether it is music and dance, writing in a daily journal or blogging, taking up a new hobby like painting, regular exercise that helps in the release of mood enhancing hormones, a walk in nature or laughter-inducing activities like watching an episode of Friends as my daughters used to do in times of stress. Laughter is certainly a strategy that I saw my dad use regularly to manage his feelings of fear and anxiety.  He possessed a wicked sense of humour and was often capable of getting a room full of people roaring with laughter. Incidentally Elizabeth Gilbert shared a creative tip on how to manage our fear that I would like to share with you here. She suggests that you stop fighting with your fear and instead grab a notepad and ask your “fear” to tell you everything that it is frightened of. Let your “fear” speak and you listen to it for a few minutes. Thank it for sharing those things and ask it kindly to step out and invite another voice in, the voice of “wisdom”. Ask the voice of “wisdom” to write an answer to “fear”, with regards those things that were listed previously. You will be amazed how much your wisdom has to say, if you give it a chance to speak.  Your wisdom can then give you the best advice because it will be tailor-made to your specific situation. It doesn’t matter what it is that you decide to do as long as it provides you with some relief and relaxation.  This is the time to start learning how to do things differently.

 “Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.” – Wayne W. Dyer, author, speaker.

 The next time you see the word COVID, instead of thinking of a virus that kills human beings, let it be an acronym that reminds you of steps that you can take to help you manage your feelings of fear and anxiety.

Your Past Could Hold The Key To Unlock Your Future

Many of my clients tell me at some point during our intake session that they don’t want to look back at their past, that they just want to shut the door on the past and never look back. For whatever reason, they have a great fear with regards reflecting on their past. 

 “I just want to move on”, they often say to me.

 However in some situations, just like driving a car, to move forward you need to glance backwards, to make sure that no obstacles are in the way.

 “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.“

Søren Kierkegaard, Philosopher

 There is no denying that sometimes examining the past can be painful. However, sometimes the issues that we take to a coach, counsellor or therapist can be deep rooted in our past.  Reflecting on the past, as painful as it might be, will most probably be less painful than suppressing it and pretending it’s not there.

 “The past is never where you think you left it.”

Katherine Anne Porter, Writer

 When we want to just shut the door on the past we might be in denial of the suffering that this past is causing us today and maybe by not processing it we may end up carrying that suffering into our future. 

 “We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.”

Rick Warren, Author

 What I usually tell my clients is to have courage and to be brave. To dare to look back at the past, because this time, they will be looking at it from a grounded ‘here and now’ place. They will be looking at it with a new lens and a fresh perspective.

 “Study the past if you would define the future.”

Confucius, Philisopher

 This healthy way of reflecting on the past will allow them to gather knowledge and arm themselves with important lessons from their past.

By shutting the door on the past we are missing out on a wealth of resources that can help us navigate our present and in turn our future.

 “We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place; we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.”

Pascal Mercier, Philosopher

 By looking and learning from our past we can discover how to make the necessary changes so our past doesn’t necessarily equal our future.

 Personally, it’s not the thought of looking at my past that I find scary, rather the idea of walking into my future without the back up knowledge and wisdom from my past.

 “My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.”

Steve Goodier, Writer

 I always invite my clients to let go of their fear of the past as it maybe holding them back from making the changes that they desire in their life.  To let go of fear and experience true freedom.

 “Everything has a past; everything; a person, an object, a word; everything. If you don’t know the past, you can’t understand the present and plan properly for the future.”

Chaim Potok, Author

Fear Of Flying

Are you afraid to fly? I certainly was. I don’t quite remember at what age I developed this fear of flying but I did notice that it got progressively worse after having children.

Becoming a mother made me think more about this fear as I didn’t want any of my children to inherit my fear of flying or anything else that might hold them back from living life to the full.

Although I am able to manage this fear while on a plane journey, it did influence my choice of destination when we were planning our family holidays. Any destination that would involve a long flight was out of the question. The only long flights that I have taken were those of the necessary kind like a new work posting, a wedding or visiting a sick loved one. I often envied people who always said that the best part of the journey for them was the time they spent on a plane.

“It is so exciting!” they would say to me, “Don’t you think so?”

“Definitely not!” would come my shocked answer.

I always thought that there isn’t much I could do about this fear until I learnt about NLP. NLP has made it possible for me to be able to have a reasonably relaxed plane journey, to stop fretting and worrying weeks before the upcoming journey and to be comfortable with the fact that I have techniques at my disposal that will instantly calm my nerves should I experience any signs of panic.

The interesting thing about fear is that it is quite personal. What I mean by that is this:

Not everyone who is afraid of flying experiences this fear in the same way. This becomes evident when we use NLP questions designed to get to the root of the fear.

For example, the root of my fear of flying was linked to a fear of heights. The awareness that I am suspended in mid air, thousands of kilometres above ground, was extremely unnerving. Even a simple NLP technique that involved replacing this negative image that I held in my minds’ eye was enough to make me instantly calmer. It is really the thought here that counts.

For some people, like my sister, the underlying fear is being in small closed spaces where, it is not possible for them to get out at will. They feel the same way in a lift as in a plane.

Some individuals become afraid of flying following a negative experience while on a plane. A client of mine developed fear of flying after she heard the news about 9/11 while flying back home from a holiday in Turkey. That was when she experienced her first fear. Since then her fear got so much worse that she needed tranquilizers before she could board a plane. In this case playing around with the submodalities of the images she created in her head in relation to flying was helpful.

Another client I worked with experienced fear of flying for a completely different reason. His had trust issues. He had a problem with placing his life in the hands of a complete stranger, the pilot.

“Are you afraid of riding on the train?” I remember asking him.

“No” came his quick response.

“Is that because you are friends with the train driver?”

“No, he is a complete stranger to me.” my client said.

“So you are trusting your life in the hands of a complete stranger!” I said with an element of surprise, “why not on a plane?”

“Wow! You are absolutely right!” he said with a smile. “I never realised that I indeed have been trusting strangers with my life on a regular basis and am still alive and well.”

This simple belief change was enough for my client to get rid of his fear of flying, just like replacing the picture in my head of a plane suspended in mid air with that of my living room, was enough for me to fly comfortably and without fear.

What are the reasons underlying your fear of flying? What thoughts, pictures, sounds or feelings do you associate with this fear? Did you  ever stop to consider those? You might find a clue that will help you get rid of this fear or at least control it instead of being controlled by it.

Have a pleasant flight!

Recommended reading: The Easy Way to Enjoy Flying by Allen Carr