What Out-dated Story Are You Still Living By Today?

What out-dated story are you still living by today?

 Are you aware of it, and it’s impacts on your life? 

 Would you like to bring it to your awareness? 

 After all, you can’t change what you are not aware exists in the first place. 

 “It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”

- Patrick Rothfuss, American author.

 Those who know me might also know that I am mixed. My mum was from Ghana and my dad from Lebanon. I was the intersection between an African and an Arab, a Catholic and a Muslim. I was baptised as a baby then when a toddler was raised in a Muslim household.

 My parents divorced before I was two years old. The circumstances then meant that I was shuffled around between carers and homes until I arrived, in the sixties, at the doorsteps of my Lebanese grandmother in Tripoli, Lebanon. 

 Not many people looked like me in those days. I was one of two black pupils in the whole school. The result was being subjected to discrimination and racism during the most impressionable years of my life. My brown skin became a reason to dislike me, reject me, call me names, poke fun at me, ignore me, or treat me with total inconsideration.

 It is no wonder that the combination of the unsettled early years and having to face those biases led me to make the decision that I was not good enough, and that I needed to try hard to earn people’s love.  

 When you tell yourself a story long enough, you believe it and it impacts all your life choices. 

 That was the story that I lived by for most of my teen and young adult years and it did negatively impact my personal and professional life. I experienced a crisis in my thirties, had a breakdown, and got myself some much needed help in the form of coaching and counselling. That was the moment when things started to change. 

 It was only then, in those therapeutic sessions, that I started to bring aspects of this old, out-dated story into my awareness. I started challenging its truth, and questioned its validity. Only then life began to slowly change, and I started first to love myself and then allow the love of others to flow into my life. Only then I began to experience joy and fulfilment, which spread around me and engulfed everyone in my world. 

 “There is a surrendering to your story and then a knowing that you don’t have to stay in your story.”

- Colette Baron-Reid, Intuitive Counsellor

 I observe a similar, yet unique experience, in my clients. I see how many of them are also still living according to an old, out-dated story. I witness how they carry heavily within them the limiting decisions and beliefs that they formed decades ago. The story that brought some comfort years ago is now the cause of so much discomfort because it is thwarting their chances of a happy and successful life. 

 The out-dated story could be stopping you from going after that promotion, or acing that interview, from speaking up and sharing your ideas during work meetings, or starting a relationship. It could be the reason you focus on the needs of others and neglect your own. The reason you can’t say no and try hard to meet the demands of others. The reason you are afraid to show your emotions and your vulnerability. The reason you strive for perfection and fear making mistakes. 

 My clients and I work together so they can become fully aware of the old story. This allows them to re-examine those decisions, and choose when and how to let this old story go, make new choices and live according to a changed and more authentic story. 

 What about you? 

 Are you still holding on to an out-dated story? 

 Would you like to bring it to your awareness? 

 Let’s talk.

DECISIONS, FEAR & RAIN

We often make decisions based on an emotion.

Fear is an emotion that most often drives our decision making process. Fear signals danger and directs our mind to take an action that can hopefully get us back into safety.

However when intense fear is repeatedly experienced in the absence of real danger, then it is no longer serving to secure our survival. In these circumstances fear serves to make us feel trapped and ends up holding us back from living to our full potential.

Our emotion of fear is shaped by our personal history and can get contaminated by memories of past events. That’s why some of us fear things that for others hold no danger.

My personal history meant that I have experienced the rise and fall of fear most of my life. I often said no because I feared saying yes, and I said yes because I feared saying no. In time I have learnt to explore and befriend my fears so I can stop expending energy defending my life instead of living it; most importantly so I can make decisions from a calm instead of a reactive place. It seems that I am not alone as many of my clients have their own stories around fear and how it impacts their decision making.

So what can you do when fear, in the absence of real danger, seems to often hold you hostage and negatively impact your decision process?

“Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.”

- Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati, spiritual teacher

I personally find Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation practice extremely helpful. RAIN is an acronym for: Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture.

Recognise what is happening right in that moment and name it. What are you feeling exactly?

Allow those feelings and let them be without judgment. Don’t try to ignore them, criticise or get rid of them. On the contrary, let them be.

Investigate with a sense of curiosity and interest the sensory experience in your body. Where exactly in your body is this feeling? How is it being expressed inside of you? Ask yourself, “What am I believing is happening?” Sense if there is a core belief there. Do you perhaps feel unlovable or unworthy? How does this feel somatically in your body? Place your hand gently on whatever part of your body where you are feeling those difficult emotions. Ask yourself, “What does this vulnerable part of me need?”. Is it forgiveness, compassion, understanding, love or trust?

Nurture by intentionally offering whatever kindness is needed and is most going to serve you in that moment. Is it love, acceptance, understanding or belief in you? It can be something that you offer to yourself, or you can also imagine someone else offering it to you like a grandparent or a dear friend. Sense their presence and loving care. Communicate and offer what is being asked. Send a message that is simply helpful such as “thank you for trying to protect me but I am okay now” or “you are loved and safe now.”

Now take a moment and reflect on the situation. Notice what has shifted. What decision is now coming naturally to you? What have you learnt or discovered as a result of this practice?

It’s a simple mindful and self-compassionate practice yet very profound. As Tara says, the gift from practicing RAIN is that you start living from the truth of who you are rather than from your reactive self.

For more information you can check Tara Brach’s website: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/

Or read her book Radical Acceptance.

The Benefits Of Failure

Photo credits: Hicham Boumediane | @hicham_boumediane

Those of you who know me will know that my youngest daughter is a fairly high level athlete. As her mother I have witnessed closely her journey from the start to where she is now. She is hoping to make it to the Olympics. She might… and then again she might not.

I observe on a regular basis the benefits she gains from the many perceived failures and disappointments she encounters. She learns something valuable with every single run and competition that fails to meet the desired targets. I witness that her positive approach to setbacks is what has got her so far in her athletics career. There is a lot to be learnt from children and young people.

To be able to support her I read a lot about the subject of success and failure, of winning and losing, and on fear, which depending on how we manage it, can motivate us or paralyse us. I can tell you that fear of failure has played a big part in my life and in the lives of many clients that I have worked with.

I happen to be reading now a book by Dr. Pippa Grange, a renowned psychologist, called Fear Less.

Dr Grange says that there are many myths surrounding our concept of failure and success: the main one being that losing turns you into a loser. She believes that this is wrong.

She goes on to say this about failure:

“Really you shouldn’t see failure as part of you, but just as giving you a puzzle to solve. Yet that’s not the message most of us absorb. We let failure leave behind a smear on our character, rather than simply being an indicator of our performance on a given day. And that makes us reluctant to show imperfection or vulnerability, in case it’s mistaken for weakness. The truth? Losing is for winners. “

And I say that failures are the path to success. 

I agree with Dr Grange that it is not how we fail or lose that matters but our attitude towards it. 

How do you handle failure? 

My grandmother taught me early on how best to manage my failures. When I came home to her crying and disappointed at failing an exam, she would lovingly comfort me and then ask me a very important question: where do you think you went wrong Rawia? What can you learn from this experience that you can take with you to the next one?

Your willingness to examine closely the failure, see where you went wrong, where you can improve, reassess, re-think and then move forward with this added information is key. If we do this then failing becomes a valuable lesson because it allows us to learn and simply provides us with information about the areas where we need more growth and development. Failing might feel uncomfortable but by perceiving it differently we can reap the benefits.

Dr Grange goes on to say that the best attitude to failure is the one that willingly invites it. 

So how do you willingly invite failure in your personal and professional life?

How about by daring to step out of your comfort zone and do the things you so much desire to do but some old fear or limiting belief has been holding you back. I still remember how terrified I was the day I walked into the chamber of commerce in 2012 to register my coaching practice.

What if I fail? What if I am not good enough?  I felt the fear and did it anyway.

I confess that I have made mistakes and have failed many times on my journey. I am human after all. However through it all I have learnt to face my fears, fully identify them, name them and check which ones are truly mine, and which ones I have inherited from parents and carers and the environment. This has allowed me to do some growing up, and let go of limiting beliefs and decisions around those fears. The result is that I fear less as Dr Grange entitles her book. My failures have been extremely beneficial.

Fear of failure can explain a plethora of human behaviours. It can explain why many avoid public speaking roles and why members of an organisation hesitate to engage in a new scheme or procedure. As a team manager and a coach my experiential understanding of this fear helped me to be more supportive of members in my team and my clients who happen to have a similar experience. I was better equipped to guide them to a place where they felt encouraged to take a chance.

I encourage you to explore your fears and beliefs around failure on your own or with the support of a coach or counsellor. Dare to step out of your comfort zone and do the things that you find most challenging in your personal life or your business.  And let go of the idea of being perfect. Perfectionism is boring. Instead look forward to making mistakes and failing because that is where the most growth and learning occurs. At some point you will succeed. Ultimately in life we win some and lose some. I certainly have not reached the end of the road yet. However I am enjoying every minute of the journey.

My journey to becoming a coach and a counsellor has given me so much more than I had anticipated. It has allowed me to experience the joy of finding myself, expanded my human experience, broadened my frame of reference, and increased my compassion and connection to others. It allowed me to transform pain into power, and poison into medicine as someone in my network once told me. I am very excited about sharing all of this knowledge and experience with others through my work.

As the saying goes “ it’s better to try and fail than fail to try”. Life is so much richer that way. My daughter’s attitude to setbacks constantly reminds me that we live and we learn.  She is always a winner in my eyes whether she makes it to the Olympics or not.

The Power of Beliefs

I woke up with a jolt. It was 7am on the 16th of August. The A level results are out. I knew that my daughter was probably already up trying to access her results online. I got out of bed and went looking for her. As I rounded the corner into the living room and heard her sigh I wondered for one split second whether it was a sigh of joy and relief or disappointment. I got my answer almost immediately as she turned her head round from the computer screen  and said to me, “ Two A* and an A!”

“Well done darling!” I exclaimed. “What did you get in chemistry?” I then asked.

“A*”, she said as she laughed knowingly.

My interest in her chemistry grade was related to something that happened seven weeks ago when my daughter was deep in the middle of her exams. Two days before her chemistry exam she broke down in tears and was in a kind of panic. On questioning her she told me that she believes she won’t be able to get the A grade she was aiming for in Chemistry.

I was really surprised that my daughter had such doubts. Her grades had always been excellent and her teachers had every confidence in her capabilities. I believed that she was more than capable of getting the grade that she was aiming for. However what I believed didn’t matter, as I wasn’t the one sitting the exam. It was what my daughter believed that was going to have a huge influence on her outcome. It was time to find out what was really holding her back from achieving what she wanted.

After using NLP type questions and techniques we finally arrived at the root cause of her problem.

“ I am not really smart and chemistry is the most difficult scientific subject. A high percentage of people fail it. I don’t know what I was thinking! How could I have, remotely, entertained the idea that I could get an A in such a subject!” my daughter finally blurted out.

“What makes you think that you are not smart?” I asked her eventually.

“Well…its because I always need to work hard to achieve good grades. Smart people don’t need to work hard.”

“Really?” I said. “Do you happen to know a smart person whom you look up to and admire?” I added.

“Yes”, she said after thinking for moment. “My dad”

“Right, apart from being smart, does your dad work very hard as well to achieve his excellent results?” I asked

My daughter took a few minutes to evaluate this question. I could see a change in her physiology. Her face became flushed and a smile slowly spread across her teary face.

“Oh my God! Dad works extremely hard! I was totally wrong. Smart people also need to work hard to get excellent results. What was I thinking?”

“In light of this, what do you believe about your chemistry exam now?” I asked

“ I can totally ace it!” she said confidently.

And she did.

What we believe has a huge impact on our mental state, behaviour and therefore our achievements and outcomes. What we believe to be true is unique to each and every one of us. What I believe to be true might be different from what you believe to be true. By beliefs I mean our perception at a deep, often unconscious, level. Beliefs operate out of conscious awareness, and we’re not aware of the degree to which they guide our behaviour and together with our values shape our personality and define our identity.

Some of the beliefs we have can be empowering, but many are limiting and so hold us back from doing what we want and achieving our goals. Beliefs are learnt and so they can be changed if they are working against what we want. Some beliefs change naturally with time – you no longer believe that Father Christmas is real.

One of the reasons that we don’t realise our beliefs are illogical is that they’re largely self-fulfilling. In some cases we act in such a way as to validate what we believe. That’s true whether it’s a positive or negative belief. The life we create and the experiences we have are determined to a significant degree by what we believe. When we believe we can’t do something, our behaviour will be such that we fail, perhaps by not trying hard enough or by sabotaging ourselves in some way.

Take as evidence the Placebo Effect. Placebos are pills that contain sugar or starch and no active ingredients. Research has shown time and time again that a significant proportion of patients who are given placebos and believe them to be therapeutic actually get well. Other similar studies show that our beliefs can determine the way things turn out. Our beliefs are not mere thoughts, they’re instructions. Believing something sends a psycho-neurological message through your entire mind/body system that seeks to make it happen.

NLP offers a set of tools and techniques that help you discover, understand and, if you so wish, work on your beliefs to ensure that they support you. 

So what is stopping you from getting what you want in life? Could the answer lie in your beliefs?

Recommended Reading: Beliefs: Pathways to Health and Wellbeing by Robert Dilts