Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
Should I stay or should I go?
Have you ever been in a situation where you repeatedly asked yourself the above question?
I have, in both my personal and professional life.
I have also worked with some clients who found themselves at some point facing such a dilemma.
Although being in this in-between stuck situation feels uncomfortable, the experience, with the guidance of a professional, might present opportunities for growth and self-discovery. It can offer a space for personal development.
As a coach and counsellor I of course do not have the answer to my clients’ question. It is not my place to tell them whether they should stay or indeed go. My role is to work with them and explore together, from the here and now, the best way forward for them.
We explore together what aspects of their personal history are impacting the present situation. Together we decontaminate the present moment from past out-dated beliefs, prejudices and fantasies so the client can gain clarity and expand their capacities for an appropriate response in the here and now.
I do that by applying a model called the Ego State model from transactional analysis. This model proposes that we have three distinct parts to our personality: Parent, Adult and Child. Each of these parts has its own set of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that interact differently with the world.
When we are in Parent ego state we interact with the world like a Parent figure from our childhood. We embody their beliefs and prejudices about the world and way of thinking, feeling and behaving.
When we are in Child ego state we interact with the world the way we did as children, emotional, spontaneous, creative and uninhibited.
When we are in Adult we interact with the world from the here and now moment using all the information and data available to us in the moment.
We reach a dilemma because we are trying to negotiate between Child needs and Parent demands.
Together with my client I explore the following:
What are the past childhood needs that the client is trying to meet today?
What past parental beliefs and prejudices are still forming an obstacle today?
And in their quest to meet those needs and uphold those beliefs and prejudices are they losing their authenticity?
Being in a space and time when we are asking the question “Should I stay or should I go?” means that we are in a space between stories. The old past story and a possible new story.
The above curious exploration allows for discovery that in turn leads to recovery. The aim is to strengthen the client’s Adult so they can think for themselves and give themselves the permission to hold on or let go of what no longer feels harmonious to their authentic being.
This added clarity allows the client to take the right actions in the moment from their Adult ego state.
So if you find yourself like me, once upon a time, or like some of my clients, facing the kind of dilemmas where you are asking yourself the question above, then working with a coach or counsellor can help you arrive at making the appropriate decision. An outcome that is reached with awareness and is devoid of unwanted influences from your past.
Is this something you need support with?
Get in touch.
Why April is my favourite month of the year
I was born on the 10th of April, yet for the first 10 years of my life I was told mistakenly that my birthday was on the 27th of March. I remember not feeling emotionally aligned with that date and only later, when my mother told me the correct date I was induced into the world, that I understood why. Yes the 10th of April felt good, it felt right.
I turn 60 this April. The most striking thing for me at this moment is the fact that I am so much happier at 60 than I was when 16, and that at 60, I still feel the curiosity, the excitement, the spontaneity and playfulness of a 6 year old. I am reminded by a piece of writing I came across ages ago that describes how a woman sees herself through the different ages. At 60, it says that, “She looks at herself and thinks of all those who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore and goes out and conquers the world.” (Find the link to the full piece below).
April also marks the anniversary of my business. It was pure coincidence, or perhaps a magical thing from the universe, that I ended up later on in life launching my practice Recipes4Change in this very month. I remember how at a networking event I handed out small bags of chocolate eggs with my business card since the launch coincided with Easter.
As some of you might know, I was not always in the role of coach and counsellor. I previously worked as a pharmacist for many years. How come, I get asked, I made this transition from a lucrative job to a role that many view as financially uncertain and less stable?
The answer involves a story, a personal story.
“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candour, more unashamed conversation.”
- Glenn Close
If you follow me on social media or read my blogs you will know that I do not hide the fact that I struggled emotionally and mentally in the earlier years of my life. A combination of an unsettled and traumatic early 5 years of my life, coupled with facing racism and discrimination later on, resulted in me making distorted decisions about who I am and what I can and cannot be and do in my life. It was through coaching and counselling that I grew myself up again, let go of those decisions, and reclaimed my self-worth bit by bit. It was during those sessions that my curiosity about the things that impact how we think, feel and behave was further ignited. Those sessions were later complimented with studies and qualifications in the field of human personality, behaviour and communication.
Those around me who observed my transformation asked for my support in various emotional issues that they were facing. Through supporting others I discovered my true purpose and my passion. This kind of work felt meaningful and rewarding. That is why I left pharmacy and set up Recipes4Change in April 2012.
Through sharing some aspects of my personal life and the empowering concepts that I have learnt and continue to practice, I want to promote an important message, which is that there is no shame in seeking support when life becomes too heavy and you are struggling emotionally and mentally. The stigma that many hold that people with emotional issues are crazy is obsolete. We now know better than that. Taking care of your mental and emotional well-being is not crazy. It is a sign that in fact, you are sane. You not only owe it to yourself to care for your mental and emotional well- being, but also to those around you. When you are not happy and emotionally healthy then you tend to take it out on those closest to you and this way pass on unhealthy patterns of being and doing from generation to generation. Through your unhealed emotional wounds you inflict wounds on others around you. All your relationships will be negatively impacted because essentially you neglect to pay attention to the most important relationship of all, your relationship with yourself.
“Nothing is as powerful as an idea whose time has come.”
- Victor Hugo
If this idea of prioritising our emotional and mental well-being grows, then perhaps we will have less suicide attempts, less depression and anxiety, and less abuse and violence.
Yes, April is my favourite month of the year because it reminds me of something much bigger than me. Plus nature blooms and flourishes in April, just like I did through receiving therapy, and like my idea to set up my practice bloomed in my soul so many years ago.
Thank you for being part of my network and professional journey, for your trust and support, and for sharing your expertise, thoughts and ideas.
This April marks 10 years of my practice and I am giving 10% discount on sessions throughout the whole month of April to the first 10 people that request it via commenting below or by direct messaging me.
Join me in spirit in celebrating the month of April, in which my business and I were born.
Cheers everyone!
https://www.scrapbook.com/quotes/doc/21939.HTML’s