5 Questions That Will Support Your Journey Of Change

Many of us, in our quest for self-development, personal growth and change, embark on courses, coaching packages, counseling sessions, therapy and more. However we all know that change can be difficult and as we are creatures of habit, acquiring new habits and new healthier patterns of behaviour can be challenging. When it comes to our journey of change, we may resist, self-sabotage, distract from or give up altogether on our attempts at transforming ourselves.

 What can we do to support our work towards self-development? How can we ensure that we follow through and stay on the path towards growth and change? What can keep us motivated when the going gets tough? How can we prevent ourselves from throwing in the towel and giving up on ourselves?

 Below are some questions to ask yourself and reflect upon that may be helpful. Answering those questions forms a contract, not with another, but a contract with yourself that you can adhere to and honour. I was introduced to this concept of making a contract, during my Transactional Analysis studies and I found it extremely helpful.  

 Let me share it with you.

 Get a piece of paper or a notebook and answer the following five questions as honestly as you can. Do this exercise, when you are about to embark on a programme or any kind of work that is towards your self-development, and that will involve you making profound changes in your life. Take time to reflect after each question and then write your answers down.

 These are the 5 questions to ask yourself:

 1      What do I want to change for myself by doing this work or being on this programme and why?

Answering this question will help you identify your needs and wants and clarify the reasons or purpose that is igniting your need for change. It helps you to see the benefits clearly and fires up your passion and your feelings of excitement. You need to know what you want before you can seek it.

 2      What steps do I need to take to achieve this?

This helps you identify what you already have at your disposal and what you are lacking by way of skills, knowledge or support. Maybe you need to organize childcare in order to be available for certain course dates for example and set the right environment for you to focus. . It can also help break the task down into smaller more achievable bite size pieces and thus reduce overwhelm.

 3      How will I know when I’ve made this change? And how will others know?

This is an important question because if you don’t know how the change you are seeking will look like, sound like or feel like, then you will not know when you have achieved it. It also creates a momentum towards a vision of the future that you want. Is it about demonstrating a change of behaviour in certain situations, or about mastering a new way of communicating and relating, or perhaps about managing stress better?

 4      How will I sabotage myself and what steps can I put in place to prevent this?

This will bring into your awareness the negative patterns of thinking or behaving that you have engaged in in the past, that got in the way of achieving what you want. It can also alert you to any obstacles that might stand in your way. Once you identify these patterns or obstacles then you can notice them early when they creep up and have some preventative ways planned ahead of how to manage them.

 5      How will I celebrate the success of change and with whom?

We often neglect this last step, which is extremely important. We must allow time and space to celebrate our successes, however small, instead of brushing them off and rushing into our next project. Take a pause and enjoy the moment with those that love you and support you. Plan a date for a party or a few days away to mark the successful end.

 Once you are done with this exercise, I suggest that you keep this piece of writing somewhere safe and re-visit it every time you feel that your motivation is waning or when the going gets tough.

 If you would like to explore this sort of work further then do get in touch and take advantage of my 15 minutes free call.

Tips For Revision The NLP Way

1. Find a suitable, quiet and well-lit place to work in. Preferably with enough space to allow movement and where you have a table or desk and chair so you are able to do some writing as well. It is ideal if you have such a space at home but if this is not possible then studying at your local library might be an option.

2. First and foremost draw up a timetable. List the subjects that you have to revise and check the number of days that you have available for revision. Allocate a number of days per subject depending on the subject load and then allocate a certain number of hours per topic per subject. In NLP we call this chunking down, breaking things into bits. This is important because for you to process information it needs to be in chunks of the right size. Here is a great way to diffuse that overwhelming sensation that you have when you are faced with a huge task such as revising for your exams. When a huge task is broken down into smaller chunks, it becomes more manageable and as you work through your timetable you will finish the huge task that seemed to be overwhelming earlier, in no time at all.

3. Set realistic goals especially when you plan your revision timetable. Your revision plan should be something you can stick to daily. Plan in your breaks and meal times. It is important to set realistic and achievable targets each day, which you can tick as you finish. This gives a good feeling and a sense of achievement and propels you on to the next target. Achieving your small targets or set goals is motivating, adds to your confidence and this in turn puts you in a positive state, something that is extremely important in NLP as the next point will outline.

4. Get yourself into a positive state. When you are feeling happy, relaxed and positive, learning becomes easier and more fun. Being in an agitated and anxious state makes learning hard and you are less likely to retain what you have learnt. Using NLP to put yourself in a positive state involves using your senses. One great way is to make a future movie of yourself having passed your exams. Perhaps you are celebrating with your friends. You are both the star and director of this movie. As the director of your movie make any necessary changes to make it more powerful and compelling. Perhaps add colour, sounds and happy noises. Close your eyes and transport yourself to the future: see what you can see, hear what you can hear and feel what you can feel at the end of the successful completion of your exams. Doing this exercise is also great to get your motivation back. It reminds you of your ultimate goal, the goal beyond the goal — the benefits you stand to gain on passing your exams. This can be exciting and energising.

5. Peripheral vision: In life we very much see things in a kind of tunnel vision. We focus on one thing and we tend to ignore everything else around it. To understand this think of when you are watching TV, on your computer or I-pad, or reading a book. You tend to just see the screen or the page and you are totally unaware of what else is happening in the room around you. This kind of vision also goes with an inner tunnel vision where we tend to focus or get fixated on a problem or issue and tend not to notice the other possibilities surrounding it. This can often lead to worry, anxiety and even panic attacks. NLP teaches a technique that helps to expand our vision to the periphery, to what is happening at the edges. This is what we call peripheral vision. This helps to slow down negative internal dialogue, achieve a calm and relaxed state that is more conducive to learning and retaining information. This is how it is done: sit somewhere where there is movement going on around you such as a park or café. Look at a point straight ahead but without focusing. Without moving your eyes to the right or left, become aware of what is happening around you. Take in your full field of vision simultaneously. Soon you’ll start recognising the movements around you. Repeat this exercise regularly in order to improve your peripheral vision.

6. Incorporate your learning style. Take a good look at yourself and determine whether you are you a visual, auditory or kinaesthetic learner? A visual learner needs to see things in order to learn them. An auditory needs to hear it first and a kinaesthetic needs to feel it. If you are visual then it helps to make notes or mind maps using different colour markers. Also putting up posters with information around your room for you to look at is also useful. For the auditory learner, reciting or even recording your own voice so you can play it later might be helpful. For the kinaesthetic learner, writing down notes, which involves using your body, and walking around the room, while you recite, can help. Some people, like my daughters, find it useful to do all three. If you are a morning person then get up early and make the most of the early hours. Alternatively if you are a night person then get up later and work later into the evening hours. In any case make sure to get enough sleep, as this is necessary to integrate what you have learnt. Some people find that it helps to discuss what they have learnt with someone else. Using rhymes or mnemonics can be useful to trigger your memory.

7. Apart from sleep and healthy eating, physical activity is very important. Exercise offers a change of scenery to sitting down all day in your room. The fresh air and oxygen is invigorating. If you are organised and disciplined there is no reason why you can’t keep doing your sporting activities alongside your revision. Factor this in your timetable.
   
   My last tip is directed at parents…

8. Help your child by creating the ideal environment in which they can revise. I personally do not host any guests during my children’s revision and exam times. I feel it is unfair and distracting to have people around when my daughters are working hard and exercising discipline. Give your kids healthy meals, snacks and fresh drinks. It is a time to pamper and not scold. Often students feel extremely stressed and under pressure so I feel that it is important as parents to make sure that our kids feel loved, understood and supported in this overwhelming time. Exercise some tolerance of mood swings. Be there to listen to their worries and help diffuse those worries by showing them a different perspective. Listen to them discussing what they have learnt as it helps them integrate it. And in those moments when they are so tired and overwhelmed, give them a shoulder to cry on and remind them that it is but an exam, not a matter of life or death. Remind them of their earlier successes so you can reinforce their positive belief in their abilities and remind them that they can only do their best and their best is good enough.
   

Write Your Way to a Happier and Healthier You

I was one of the candidates who took Jo Parfitt’s “The Naked Writer” course in October 2012. The course was made of six two and half hour sessions where we learn how to write from a place of pain. Incidentally, or perhaps this was orchestrated by my unconscious mind, two weeks prior to the start of the course I saw my eldest daughter through her move to the University in London. The experience of having to let go of a child to the care of the universe knocked me out of balance. I came back home and discovered that my mental/spiritual/emotional system was paralysed. I was able to carry out the basics but nothing more. My creative mind was at a standstill and I felt like an engine that had suddenly ran out of fuel, and no matter how many times I turned on the ignition, I couldn’t get it functioning again.

On my first session at “The Naked Writer”, I was raw with emotion. There was about 10 or 12 of us who made it to the first session. As fate would have it, Jo shared a poem she had written as part of her introduction to what it really means to write nakedly, from a place of pain. The poem was to do with how she felt when her son left home and went away to University. On hearing it I was so overcome with emotion that I had to rush to the powder room and compose myself. Since my experience was still so fresh, Jo suggested I write about this very thing that hurts as my homework for the next session. So I did. It was not easy and I started and stopped on many occasions, as sobbing sometimes made it impossible for me to continue writing. Somehow I persisted and finally I was able to finish my piece just in time to share with the class on our next session. Then something interesting happened. I turned the ignition on my life and I was able to function again! I felt peaceful and re-charged after being able to write about my experience. I was healed. This was the second time that I feel a sudden surge of energy and a feeling of peace within me after writing about a painful experience. It got me thinking about writing as a tool for healing, and how that tool is applied within NLP.

In NLP the first task we assign clients is ask that they write a personal history related to their issue at hand. We ask clients to write anything and everything that comes to mind in relation to their problem and when done to look at what they had written and see if they can see any patterns there. It is amazing how this exercise already makes a huge difference on the mental and emotional states of the clients, and how certain things they did not see before suddenly come to their awareness. In other words writing their personal history becomes the first step towards the positive change they are seeking — the first step towards healing.

Again, In NLP, we encourage clients to write down their goals. It has been proven time and again that you are more likely to achieve your goal if you have it written down.

Some lines of therapy suggest writing a letter in which you put down experiences or words that for one reason or another you weren’t able to say. In “Letters Never Sent”, Ruth Van Reken did just that, and she did admit to the fact that writing the book was extremely healing.

Niamh Ni Bhroin is another example of someone who experienced healing as a result of writing “The Singing Warrior” which tells her life story.

‘When people are given the opportunity to write about emotional upheavals, they often experience improved health” says Dr James Pennbaker of the University of Texas at Austin.

Dr Pennebaker has conducted studies for 20 years about the effect of writing as a healing tool. He gave people assignments to do with writing about an emotional upheaval in their lives for 15-20 minutes a day for 4 consecutive days. Those that did experienced positive changes such as a strengthened immune system, improved grades or even a total life change.

Mr Ron Capps, a war veteran used writing to make sense of his ten-year war experiences and used it to heal himself from PTSD. He was so inspired that he used what he learnt to help others by starting The Veterans Writing Project to help other Veterans transition into civilian life.

In order to write as a form of self-healing, grammar and punctuation is not important. What is important is using words that truly express your emotions.

Here are some tips on how to write to heal:    

• Set a time daily where you can have 20 minutes in which to write uninterruptedly.

• Practice free writing, writing anything that comes to mind regardless of the grammar or sentence structure.

• Sometimes sharing can help in the process of healing. Share your writing with a trusted person or persons. Your writing can help inspire and heal others.

• If, however, you do not want to share then perhaps take your piece of writing and burn it and scatter the ashes in nature during a forest or beach walk as a final step to healing.

So why not start now? Pick up a pen and write your way into a happier and healthier you.

Recommended reading: Writing to Heal by James W. Pennebaker, PH.D.

The Power of Beliefs

I woke up with a jolt. It was 7am on the 16th of August. The A level results are out. I knew that my daughter was probably already up trying to access her results online. I got out of bed and went looking for her. As I rounded the corner into the living room and heard her sigh I wondered for one split second whether it was a sigh of joy and relief or disappointment. I got my answer almost immediately as she turned her head round from the computer screen  and said to me, “ Two A* and an A!”

“Well done darling!” I exclaimed. “What did you get in chemistry?” I then asked.

“A*”, she said as she laughed knowingly.

My interest in her chemistry grade was related to something that happened seven weeks ago when my daughter was deep in the middle of her exams. Two days before her chemistry exam she broke down in tears and was in a kind of panic. On questioning her she told me that she believes she won’t be able to get the A grade she was aiming for in Chemistry.

I was really surprised that my daughter had such doubts. Her grades had always been excellent and her teachers had every confidence in her capabilities. I believed that she was more than capable of getting the grade that she was aiming for. However what I believed didn’t matter, as I wasn’t the one sitting the exam. It was what my daughter believed that was going to have a huge influence on her outcome. It was time to find out what was really holding her back from achieving what she wanted.

After using NLP type questions and techniques we finally arrived at the root cause of her problem.

“ I am not really smart and chemistry is the most difficult scientific subject. A high percentage of people fail it. I don’t know what I was thinking! How could I have, remotely, entertained the idea that I could get an A in such a subject!” my daughter finally blurted out.

“What makes you think that you are not smart?” I asked her eventually.

“Well…its because I always need to work hard to achieve good grades. Smart people don’t need to work hard.”

“Really?” I said. “Do you happen to know a smart person whom you look up to and admire?” I added.

“Yes”, she said after thinking for moment. “My dad”

“Right, apart from being smart, does your dad work very hard as well to achieve his excellent results?” I asked

My daughter took a few minutes to evaluate this question. I could see a change in her physiology. Her face became flushed and a smile slowly spread across her teary face.

“Oh my God! Dad works extremely hard! I was totally wrong. Smart people also need to work hard to get excellent results. What was I thinking?”

“In light of this, what do you believe about your chemistry exam now?” I asked

“ I can totally ace it!” she said confidently.

And she did.

What we believe has a huge impact on our mental state, behaviour and therefore our achievements and outcomes. What we believe to be true is unique to each and every one of us. What I believe to be true might be different from what you believe to be true. By beliefs I mean our perception at a deep, often unconscious, level. Beliefs operate out of conscious awareness, and we’re not aware of the degree to which they guide our behaviour and together with our values shape our personality and define our identity.

Some of the beliefs we have can be empowering, but many are limiting and so hold us back from doing what we want and achieving our goals. Beliefs are learnt and so they can be changed if they are working against what we want. Some beliefs change naturally with time – you no longer believe that Father Christmas is real.

One of the reasons that we don’t realise our beliefs are illogical is that they’re largely self-fulfilling. In some cases we act in such a way as to validate what we believe. That’s true whether it’s a positive or negative belief. The life we create and the experiences we have are determined to a significant degree by what we believe. When we believe we can’t do something, our behaviour will be such that we fail, perhaps by not trying hard enough or by sabotaging ourselves in some way.

Take as evidence the Placebo Effect. Placebos are pills that contain sugar or starch and no active ingredients. Research has shown time and time again that a significant proportion of patients who are given placebos and believe them to be therapeutic actually get well. Other similar studies show that our beliefs can determine the way things turn out. Our beliefs are not mere thoughts, they’re instructions. Believing something sends a psycho-neurological message through your entire mind/body system that seeks to make it happen.

NLP offers a set of tools and techniques that help you discover, understand and, if you so wish, work on your beliefs to ensure that they support you. 

So what is stopping you from getting what you want in life? Could the answer lie in your beliefs?

Recommended Reading: Beliefs: Pathways to Health and Wellbeing by Robert Dilts