What is your relationship with endings?
Endings are part of the many transitions we go through in life. Whether it’s a redundancy, a retirement, a job change, relocation, a marriage, a divorce, a war, political unrest, a birth or the death of a loved one. All of those experiences signal endings.
I am writing this blog while on a visit with my daughter, with the knowledge that our special quality time together will shortly come to an end when I fly back home.
Endings are sometimes big or small. No matter the size or significance, we rarely stop to explore our relationship with endings, or take a moment to pause and reflect on whether we want to change that relationship we have with endings.
“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”
-Paulo Coelho, a Brazilian lyricist & novelist.
On reflection I realised that my relationship with endings has changed over time. At first I was reacting from my past childhood family situation and the many abrupt endings that I have experienced growing up. I recollect that during that distant past the importance of endings was minimised. There was no time or space made available to reflect, process or learn. It was about survival and moving forward.
In contrast, nowadays I take my time with endings and recognise their importance. I sit with the pain and discomfort that sometimes comes with certain endings. I allow myself to grieve the loss so I can make space for what is to come, to say goodbye to the old so I can have the capacity to welcome and be present with the new. Embracing endings helps me saviour the present moment.
How we end can impact how we begin. So spending sometime reflecting on how we cope with endings and becoming aware of the mind-set we carry in relation to endings can be helpful. Do you perhaps rush through endings, or linger on or avoid them altogether? Is that behaviour around endings something you recognise as a pattern from the environment in which you grew up? Is it an attitude that has been passed on from the previous generation? Most importantly do you want to continue to embrace this way of coping with endings or do you desire a change?
“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”
-Ellen Goodman, an American journalist & syndicated columnist.
Are you struggling to come to terms with an ending? I invite you to give yourself the time and space to sit with the feelings that are coming up for you in relation to this ending. Give your emotions room to be expressed. While doing so ask yourself, “What is the story I am holding in my head about this ending? Is this story helpful? Can I possibly write a different and more helpful story that will allow me to move on?”
For additional support you can schedule a time to explore your situation with a coach or counsellor.
Alternatively you can attend a workshop, such as the one I attended recently, which inspired this blog, given by Adrian Hall and Rebecca Gane entitled Rewriting Endings. Connect with them via LinkedIn to learn more.
DECISIONS, FEAR & RAIN
We often make decisions based on an emotion.
Fear is an emotion that most often drives our decision making process. Fear signals danger and directs our mind to take an action that can hopefully get us back into safety.
However when intense fear is repeatedly experienced in the absence of real danger, then it is no longer serving to secure our survival. In these circumstances fear serves to make us feel trapped and ends up holding us back from living to our full potential.
Our emotion of fear is shaped by our personal history and can get contaminated by memories of past events. That’s why some of us fear things that for others hold no danger.
My personal history meant that I have experienced the rise and fall of fear most of my life. I often said no because I feared saying yes, and I said yes because I feared saying no. In time I have learnt to explore and befriend my fears so I can stop expending energy defending my life instead of living it; most importantly so I can make decisions from a calm instead of a reactive place. It seems that I am not alone as many of my clients have their own stories around fear and how it impacts their decision making.
So what can you do when fear, in the absence of real danger, seems to often hold you hostage and negatively impact your decision process?
“Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.”
- Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati, spiritual teacher
I personally find Tara Brach’s RAIN meditation practice extremely helpful. RAIN is an acronym for: Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture.
Recognise what is happening right in that moment and name it. What are you feeling exactly?
Allow those feelings and let them be without judgment. Don’t try to ignore them, criticise or get rid of them. On the contrary, let them be.
Investigate with a sense of curiosity and interest the sensory experience in your body. Where exactly in your body is this feeling? How is it being expressed inside of you? Ask yourself, “What am I believing is happening?” Sense if there is a core belief there. Do you perhaps feel unlovable or unworthy? How does this feel somatically in your body? Place your hand gently on whatever part of your body where you are feeling those difficult emotions. Ask yourself, “What does this vulnerable part of me need?”. Is it forgiveness, compassion, understanding, love or trust?
Nurture by intentionally offering whatever kindness is needed and is most going to serve you in that moment. Is it love, acceptance, understanding or belief in you? It can be something that you offer to yourself, or you can also imagine someone else offering it to you like a grandparent or a dear friend. Sense their presence and loving care. Communicate and offer what is being asked. Send a message that is simply helpful such as “thank you for trying to protect me but I am okay now” or “you are loved and safe now.”
Now take a moment and reflect on the situation. Notice what has shifted. What decision is now coming naturally to you? What have you learnt or discovered as a result of this practice?
It’s a simple mindful and self-compassionate practice yet very profound. As Tara says, the gift from practicing RAIN is that you start living from the truth of who you are rather than from your reactive self.
For more information you can check Tara Brach’s website: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/
Or read her book Radical Acceptance.
Burnout, a blessing or a curse?
I have worked with a few clients who have shared with me that they have experienced burnout several times in their lives, and they are afraid of experiencing it yet again.
As always I do all that I can to fully understand my clients’ experience, be it taking on more courses, attending workshops, reading a book or tapping into my own personal experience. In this quest I came across a book written by Dr Dina Glouberman, entitled The Joy of Burnout. Yes you read correctly, Joy! As I read it and reflected, I was reminded of a very challenging time I went through just prior to starting my coaching practice.
I set up my coaching practice, Recipes4change, almost 10 years ago. What I did not realise then, but fully comprehend now, was that the symptoms I have experienced just prior to setting it up were in fact burnout. I worked for many years as a pharmacist and enjoyed it. However what I really enjoyed about the job had nothing to do with pharmaceuticals and more to do with human connection and a desire to make a difference. In those times I remember that patients often talked to me about issues that were not directly related to their medicines. They felt comfortable, safe and had enough trust in me to share their troubles. What I observed was that often the fact that I took time to listen and acknowledge their issues was sometimes enough to make them feel better. I in turn also felt good after those interactions and wanted to give more of my time to this kind of work. It took some more years for me to become aware of my true passion and even more years to envision it. Yet fear stood in the way. Burnout finally got me to face my fears, and was the final catalyst that spurred me into taking a series of actions that led to the work that I do today. I quit pharmacy work for good and put my focus on my coaching and counselling training and practice. In doing so I reaped the joys of my burnout. The book has many such personal stories.
Dr Glouberman, a psychotherapist and formerly a Senior Lecturer in Psychology, and someone who experienced burnout herself, says, “when we burnout, it is our old personality that burns itself out. Then our soul fire begins to light our way and to bring us joy.”
Her words resonate with me and seem in sync with an article I came across during my Transactional Analysis (TA) training. The article explores further, and from a TA perspective, a research carried out in 1975 by German- born American psychologist Herbert Freudenberger, who classified different personality types that are vulnerable to burnout. He found a link between the phenomenon of burnout and a person’s identity as a professional. He classified three personality types:
1-The Dedicated & Committed:
Who work hard to meet the increasing demands made upon them and do not question those that make such demands. This person is not able to say no because of a belief system that the needs of others are more worthy than their own needs. They tend to feel good about themselves through the service to others. When their efforts meet with less success, they work even harder and get caught in a vicious cycle of hard work, frustration and become less efficient and ineffective. This compounds feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Such personality types over- identify with the people they serve.
2- The Overcommitted & Work Enmeshed:
Who indeed are overcommitted with an unsatisfactory private life and work becomes their only source of meaning and worth. They have no real boundaries between their professional and personal lives. They become over involved in their work environment and spend more and more time at work.
3-The Authoritarian & Patronising:
Who need to be in control and believe that no one else can do the job as well they can. They believe that others are inadequate and incompetent and need micromanaging and controlling.
Do you see aspects of yourself in any of those personality types? I recognise behaviours that I used to exhibit in the past that fit in with the first type, the dedicated & committed. I used to always put others’ needs above my own and certainly struggled to say no.
Dr Glouberman outlines also a typical burnout profile that shows some similarity to the above personality types. In her book she writes that those prone to burnout tend to be:
- Ambitious, high achievers with high energy
- Enthusiastic, work hard and do whatever is needed and at any cost
- Perceive themselves as holding together situations that they perceive would fall apart without them
- Think that they are unlimited in energy, superwomen or supermen
- Generally driven and have a high need to be needed or approved of
- Have a pattern of overdoing and over-giving without a regard for themselves
She says that all of these are patterns that may have begun way back in childhood when in our families we felt loved for what we achieved or gave, rather than for being who we are.
If we read those above profiles and classifications, it is no surprise that when we give so much of ourselves, coupled with an environment that is not supportive, understanding or appreciative, we can sometimes burn out. My clients’ fears of re- experiencing burnout again is valid, because often it is not a one off event, and can recur again in different forms and different areas of our lives, including within intimate relationships, until we do the work necessary to address the underlying issues and process the messages that burnout is trying to convey to us. In this way burnout can lead to powerful transformations and challenge us to create a new way of life.
We tend to experience burnout in the areas that are close to our heart and soul and where we invest our creativity. They are also the very same areas from which we draw our sense of identity and belonging. When things are going well and our efforts are met with appreciation or reward, we feel energised and vibrant and life seems positive and successful. It is when something upsets this picture that we become candidates to burnout. That was exactly my personal experience almost a decade ago.
The general message of the book is that burnout, although a painful experience, can ultimately lead to positive results if we are open to its message of examining our personal and professional life and see if we are living the life we want and that our work reflects who we truly are.
Burnout is simply the body’s way to let us know that we have reached the end of a particular path, yet we are refusing to acknowledge this fact. By having burnout we are forced to slow down, sometimes, even stop for a while, reflect and re-assess. This can allow us to connect again to our true self and acknowledge that the way we have been leading our lives before is not working and we need to make a change going forward.
I am glad that I had courage to do the work necessary, with the support of a professional, to understand my patterns and my needs, to gain awareness of how my personal history impacted my beliefs and behaviours and to work on my fears and to re- connect with my true self. The awareness I gained coupled with my willingness to change and follow a new path meant that I was finally able to be who I want to be and do what I want to do.
I wish that too for all my clients and I will share what I know to support their growth.
This book, alongside working with a professional, can be helpful to those who have experienced burnout, those going through it right now and to those who would like to learn how to recognise the signs early in order to prevent burnout.