𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦?

𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦? 

This month marks 5 years since my divorce was finalised.

As a counsellor, I have supported international clients who were going through divorce. The added difficulty here was that they were going through this difficult process away from their home country & the support of their extended family. In some cases their whole existence here in the Netherlands was tied to their spouse’s career, which added to their vulnerability. 

Divorce, although painful, can lead to enormous personal growth. It can initiate a healing journey during which you can reconnect with yourself, become unlocked and find your voice. 

These are some of the things that have come up in my sessions with clients: 

𝘋𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩. 𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮, 𝘢 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘰𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮. 

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘈 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘷𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘴. 

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘢 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘮𝘦, 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘱𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴. 𝘏𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦, 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘮. 

At the same time, it is important to acknowledge that divorce is a death experience; the death of a relationship, of dreams, & a future that you had imagined. Allow yourself time to grieve the losses, and come to terms with those endings. Only then can you start to focus and engage in the new beginning with less anxiety & more energy. 

There are resources available to you in the community & networks around you such as working with a counsellor or attending support groups. 

If you would like to learn more about the counselling services I offer, or to take advantage of a 15-minute intake call with me free of charge, please get in touch via DM or my website: 𝘸𝘸𝘸.𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘦𝘴4𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦.𝘤𝘰𝘮

What is your relationship with endings?

Endings are part of the many transitions we go through in life. Whether it’s a redundancy, a retirement, a job change, relocation, a marriage, a divorce, a war, political unrest, a birth or the death of a loved one. All of those experiences signal endings. 

I am writing this blog while on a visit with my daughter, with the knowledge that our special quality time together will shortly come to an end when I fly back home. 

Endings are sometimes big or small. No matter the size or significance, we rarely stop to explore our relationship with endings, or take a moment to pause and reflect on whether we want to change that relationship we have with endings. 

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”

-Paulo Coelho, a Brazilian lyricist & novelist.

On reflection I realised that my relationship with endings has changed over time. At first I was reacting from my past childhood family situation and the many abrupt endings that I have experienced growing up. I recollect that during that distant past the importance of endings was minimised. There was no time or space made available to reflect, process or learn. It was about survival and moving forward.

In contrast, nowadays I take my time with endings and recognise their importance. I sit with the pain and discomfort that sometimes comes with certain endings. I allow myself to grieve the loss so I can make space for what is to come, to say goodbye to the old so I can have the capacity to welcome and be present with the new. Embracing endings helps me saviour the present moment. 

How we end can impact how we begin. So spending sometime reflecting on how we cope with endings and becoming aware of the mind-set we carry in relation to endings can be helpful. Do you perhaps rush through endings, or linger on or avoid them altogether? Is that behaviour around endings something you recognise as a pattern from the environment in which you grew up? Is it an attitude that has been passed on from the previous generation? Most importantly do you want to continue to embrace this way of coping with endings or do you desire a change?

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”

-Ellen Goodman, an American journalist & syndicated columnist.

Are you struggling to come to terms with an ending? I invite you to give yourself the time and space to sit with the feelings that are coming up for you in relation to this ending. Give your emotions room to be expressed. While doing so ask yourself, “What is the story I am holding in my head about this ending? Is this story helpful? Can I possibly write a different and more helpful story that will allow me to move on?”

For additional support you can schedule a time to explore your situation with a coach or counsellor. 

Alternatively you can attend a workshop, such as the one I attended recently, which inspired this blog, given by Adrian Hall and Rebecca Gane entitled Rewriting Endings. Connect with them via LinkedIn to learn more.