Let's Talk About Fear And Anxiety
Anxiety was a constant companion throughout my childhood and young adult life. Growing up, I saw it demonstrated clearly by parental figures and society at large. A civil war, a coup d’état and a sudden death in the family only served to perpetuate this anxiety and add trauma to injury.
Anxiety or fear has a purpose: to signal danger in life threatening situations and alert us to do one of three things: fight, flight or freeze. In our world today we mostly face non-life threatening events that build up and elicit a false fight-flight-freeze response. Since we can’t avoid these modern day stresses, such as paying the bills, giving a presentation, or getting a PCR test result in time for a flight, as they build up we can end up with a nervous system overload. Although this response is in tune with how your brain is programmed to respond, it is out of proportion with the actual danger of the situation.
Anxiety comes in many different forms: chronic worrying, fears and phobias, performance anxiety, public-speaking anxiety, shyness, panic attacks, fear of stepping outside your home, obsessions and compulsions, post traumatic stress disorder, concerns about your appearance or worries about your health. No matter the type of anxiety or fear you are experiencing, there are elements in common to all anxieties:
They all involve negative patterns of thinking. Often when you feel anxious and afraid you are telling yourself that something terrible is about to happen. You conjure a negative scenario in your head, for example about taking a flight, standing in front of an audience or meeting someone new. The fear is as a result of the negative messages and scenarios you are playing in your head.
They all lead you to avoid the thing that you fear. Depending on what it is you fear, you go through life avoiding it. You avoid flying for example, or giving a speech, or taking the lift, or meeting new people.
They involve suppressing your authentic emotions. Perhaps you grew up in a culture where emotions were kept in. Perhaps the messages you got growing up were that it’s not okay to talk about your feelings. Therefore anxiety is a result of these unprocessed feelings surfacing in response to experiencing certain life changing events such as a new relationship, a breakup, a promotion, a relocation, having children or the death of a loved one. These events can arouse inner unresolved conflicts and trigger feelings of fear and anxiety.
The symptoms of anxiety are not always obvious. They can manifest themselves in different ways such as talking too much and exhibiting endless energy or talking too little and being withdrawn. They can be mild but chronic, or severe and acute. Some ailments, such as headaches or digestive problems, can also be related to chronic anxiety.
I went through a big part of my life not addressing my own anxiety and instead suppressing feelings of discomfort. Eventually, through my psychological studies and therapy I gained valuable awareness and understanding of my own anxiety related issues and in turn learnt resourceful ways to manage them.
It’s interesting that many of the clients that seek me as a coach also suffer from and want to relieve their fears and anxieties. My personal experience allows me to fully appreciate their struggle and my professional knowledge allows me to support them to discover helpful ways to alleviate their own anxiety.
The reality is that life is stressful and certain events can lead us to be anxious and afraid. It’s not about leading a life devoid from anxiety but learning how to manage it so it is proportional to the event being experienced.
Here are four suggestions on how to manage your fears and anxieties:
1. Anxiety = Fear
And Fear is an acronym for:
F - False
E - Evidence
A - Appearing
R - Real
One of the ways to manage anxiety and fear is to do a reality check. Essentially checking out the evidence. The brain does not distinguish between what is fantasy and what is reality. If you imagine a horror scenario your physiology will soon change in response to that imagined scenario. You will feel stressed, anxious and afraid, as if the scenario is happening in a real sense. In this emotional state you will feel disabled, even paralysed. You cannot access the creative part in your brain that can employ the resources you have at your disposal to find solutions, because in this state you will be blinded to them and will see little or no options.
So why not use this amazing brain skill to your advantage? If you want to imagine, then imagine positive scenarios and outcomes. Make them as joyful and as vivid as you wish and enjoy the warm, fuzzy, and energised sensations that will flood your body as a consequence. In this positive emotional state you will be more joyful and therefore more resourceful, more empowered and more productive.
Doing this helps to re-programme your brain to seek out positive scenarios. Remember that practice makes perfect.
2. Instead of suppressing your anxiety, try engaging with it instead. Often anxiety is trying to communicate something to us, something that needs our attention. Listen to it and try to understand what it is trying to tell you about your present life situation. Do you need to take action with regards a personal relationship or a work situation? Once the appropriate actions are taken the anxiety often subsides.
3. Anxiety typically is in relation to a future event. We can’t control the past or the future. We only can exercise some control over the present moment. A quick way to bring yourself to the present moment is to bring your attention to your breathing. Breathe in and then slowly breathe out. Repeat this for a few minutes and enjoy the effects. Again it is helpful if you incorporate such a meditative technique into your everyday life.
4. Anxiety often leads us to regress to a past childhood experience where we needed to be comforted and reassured. Here is an exercise that I do that almost always works to calm me down.
Close your eyes and imagine your child self as a baby or toddler perhaps. Imagine this baby coming to you and is anxious and frightened. What do you normally do to comfort a frightened child? Yes, you hold that child close, whisper in their ears and tell them that you will keep them safe. That they are loved and taken care of. Hold your inner child and comfort them for as long as needed. Usually it only takes a minute or two and you will feel calm again.
It’s important to address your anxiety and seek professional help if necessary, as in some serious cases it can lead to depression and even suicide.
7 Tips to Stay Calm in this Frantic Time
working from home
We all at some point in our lives probably experienced fear and anxiety. At the moment with what has been happening in our world we are all probably worried, anxious and afraid. Some of us might even be experiencing panic attacks. I thought it might be useful to share a few tips that might help you manage your emotions in order to stay more calm and rational in these difficult and unprecedented times.
“If you’re always focused on what you can’t control you’re going to feel overwhelmed. You’re going to feel fearful. You’re going to feel frustrated. You’re going to feel stressed. You’ve got to focus on what you can control, not what you can’t control.” - Tony Robbins, Author, public speaker, life coach.
1- Cognitive technique
As cognitive theories have explained, our feelings reflect our thoughts. So one way of managing how we feel would be to manage our thoughts. Often fear and anxiety result from distorted and illogical thoughts. At the moment we are constantly interpreting what is happening and this process happens without our awareness. Our thoughts just flow through our minds and create powerful and strong positive or negative emotions. Therefore if you were feeling anxious and afraid at the moment then I would invite you to take a step back and check on the kind of things that you are telling yourself. What kind of thoughts are you engaging in that are leading to your feelings of fear and anxiety? Once you become aware of those thoughts then take each thought one at a time and check on how realistic and true it is. What is the evidence if any that supports it? This will hopefully lead you to separate between neurotic fear and healthy fear.
“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another. “ - William James, philosopher & psychologist
2- Fantasy versus reality
Why is it that some people are more vulnerable to feeling fear and anxiety as compared to others? This relates to your imagination and the fantasies you might be creating that are leading to your fear and panic. One technique that helps bring these fantasies or horror scenarios into your awareness is the “What If” technique. The way it’s done is by starting with a negative thought that you may have and writing it down then you draw an arrow underneath it and ask yourself “what if this were true, what’s the worst thing that can happen?” A new fantasy will pop into your mind. Write it down under the arrow and continue asking yourself the same question and repeat several times until it will lead you to the core fear that is triggering your fears. Knowing your core fear can help you process it and hopefully arrive at a healthier way of managing and thus avoid panic. For example, my daughters are in a different country to me at the moment and my core fear is that one or both of them might get seriously ill and have no one as caring as their mother to look after them. If I stay with this thought it can drive me insane. However, I challenge it with the reality that they are with their partners and friends who are as loving and as caring as myself. This new thought diffuses my fear immediately.
“To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life. “ Jill Bolte Taylor, neuroanatomist, author & public speaker.
3- Compassion technique
The reality is that most of us are kinder to others than we are to ourselves. This technique invites you to talk to yourself the way you might talk encouragingly and kindly to a family member or a friend who is having anxious, depressive and negative thoughts. Be willing to talk to yourself in the same compassionate way that you use with others.
“Choose to be optimistic. It feels better. “ - Dalai Lama, spiritual leader.
4- Virtual community
Stay connected, as physical isolation these days, thanks to technology, does not mean emotional and mental isolation. Use the various means available to you to get in touch online with friends, family, work colleagues and your coach or therapist. There is plenty to choose from: Zoom, Skype, FaceTime, WhatsApp, Messenger, Linkedin, Instagram and so on. Through technology we can be there for each other virtually if not physically and support each other and feel a certain degree of comfort. All my group activities have moved online plus I regularly do a group video call with my daughters and my sisters and feel very happy and comforted after such calls.
5- Mind your language
If there was ever a time to pay attention to your words then it is now. Your brain is always actively listening so make sure your language is clean so you can re-enforce a positive and enabling attitude at all times. We are constantly engaging in self-talk so bring that internal dialogue into your awareness and choose your words carefully. Some words and phrases will enable you and others will bring you down. Instead of saying “Quarantine is going to drive me crazy”, you can say “Now I will have the opportunity to do the re-organising that I never had time to do before”. We are all forced to slow down. Look at this time as an opportunity to start a new hobby like writing or meditating. Engage in a family activity like sorting and looking at old photos. Be creative and use this time to reflect and perhaps make some important changes in the way you have been living your life.
“ A different language is a different vision of life. “ - Federico Fellini, film director & screenwriter.
6- Exercise
We know that regular exercise helps release happy hormones so do it daily. You don’t need a gym as you can do fitness anywhere, even indoors. Dancing, skipping, hoola-hooping , yoga or running up the stairs several times. There are many videos again online that can give you creative ideas on how to stay fit indoors so keep on moving.
7- Humour
Don’t forget to laugh as laughter teaches us something that words can only allude to. When you laugh you stop taking your self so seriously and therefore can see the absurdity of your fears and distorted thinking. Laughter delivers a message of self acceptance as well as acceptance of others. There have been a lot of funny videos and captions being passed around online at this difficult time and some have made me laugh till tears came rolling down my face. Laughter still remains the best medicine!
“The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter. “ -Mark Twain, writer.
I hope you find these tips helpful. If you have any other ideas then please share in the comments. Stay safe and calm in this frantic time.